


must be a d-men thing

by jennycaakes



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Denial of Feelings, Drinking, Feelings, Friends With Benefits, Happy Ending, M/M, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Secret Relationship, Smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2019-10-25 18:40:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 49,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17730542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jennycaakes/pseuds/jennycaakes
Summary: Literally no problem has ever been solved by secretly hooking up with one of your good friends whom you are not in love with to cope with the fact that the person who you are actually in love with does not love you. In fact, more problems are probably started by doing this than anything else.Holster and Nursey do it anyway.





	1. hell of a kegster

**Author's Note:**

> i started this forever ago because i wanted nursey and holster to make out at least once and then it turned into THIS
> 
> it's a holsom/nurseydex fic. like that's how it's gonna end up. so if you are seeking more nurseholtz or a nurseholtz ending i apologize my friends as you will not find it here. however you will find nursey and holster having a lot of sex because WHY NOT. this fic is a mess of feelings and these boys are literally all stupid as hell. but again. holster and ransom will be ending up together. nursey and dex will be ending up together. no matter how sticky it gets in the meantime do not fret my friends.
> 
> but anyway i hope you like it! it's been hella fun to write and work through all the different dynamics. i'll say again that these boys get their happy ending, just don't rush it! 
> 
> love y'all, enjoy! <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Ransom out of town and Holster as the only acting captain, he takes their loss more personal than he should. Nursey's bummed about it too (among other things). So they're bummed together. And then they figure out how to stop moping about it.

They lost.

It’s all Holster’s thinking about as they slide from the ice, as they pack up in the locker room. _They lost_. It echoes again and again in his head and he takes the brute of it himself, not having anyone to share it with.

Ransom’s out this game because his auntie’s marrying her long time partner and he had to go to Toronto for it, so Holster had to captain alone. He didn’t get a lot of time on the ice because it doesn’t make sense for him to play without Rans, and so the one thing that can normally settle the buzzing under his skin from such a poor game wasn't even an option.

They lost and it’s Holster’s fault. He’s a shitty captain when he’s on his own and he knows it. He couldn’t hype the team the way they needed it in the third period. He couldn’t inspire the boys and the morale dropped and they got sloppy and it’s his fault. If Ransom were here they could've recovered. Or the loss wouldn’t feel _half_ as bad, but sending the text after with the update just fucking sucks.

 **Ransom**  
i’m sorry holtzy ):  
just know that it wasn’t your fault ok? we weren’t ready for a team like them so early in the semester  
i wish i was there

Holster’s in the kitchen of the Haus now, because for some reason someone thought a kegster would be a good idea. It’s been in the works for a while so it didn’t make sense to cancel but Holster’s really not in the party mood. Even seeing Ransom say it wasn’t his fault doesn’t feel better. He wishes Ransom was _here_ , his arm looped around his lower back, his head on Holster’s shoulder.

It’d ease the pain of their loss way more than anything else.

 **Holster**  
wish you were here too  
but have fun ok? it’s fine i’m fine  
send pics

 **Ransom**  
i love you dude!!  
try and have fun tonight!  
take a shot for me

“Whatever you say, Ransy,” Holster mutters, pouring himself a shot.

He knocks it back alone, which is kinda depressing, but whatever. He’ll mingle for a bit, make sure the team is okay, and then disappear to his room and pass the fuck out. It’s still early in the season so he knows they have time to recover, but he can’t shake the feeling from this loss. The loneliness of it makes it harder. 

Lardo comes in a few minutes later giving him an update on the status of the tub juice and he smiles at her attempt to lighten things up.

“It’s not as strong as Shitty’s,” she says, “but it’s still pretty good.”

“Doesn’t need to be,” Holster tells her. “I don’t think anyone’s in the mood for that kind of party tonight. Me especially.”

Lardo laughs. “Gotchu, Holtz. Want me to bring you some?”

“I’m gonna mix something,” he says, gesturing back to the counter.

She reaches up to squeezing his shoulder. “You did good tonight, Holster,” Lardo tells him before disappearing back into the party.

It takes Holster a while to figure out what he’s in the mood for, mostly because the longer it takes him to decide the less time he has to spend actually interacting with people, but eventually he decides on a rum and coke. There’s still some coconut stuff leftover from when Bitty briefly swore off beer a while back so at least it has some flavor.

He’s nearly finished with the proportions when Nursey enters the kitchen.

“Aye, cap-i-tan,” Nursey calls. Holster looks up from his drink and frowns immediately. “What’s that look?” Nursey asks, his own smile fading.

“Where’s Dex?” Holster asks. Dex is supposed to be on Nursey Patrol, and _yes_ , Nursey Patrol _is_ necessary. Especially after they lose.

“Probably with _Rachel_ ,” Nursey tells him, his voice just a little sing-songy, but more sad than anything. “Don’t worry,” Nursey says, grabbing the bottle of rum out of Holster’s hand. “I’m not even really drinking tonight. Just not feeling it.”

Holster looks back at what he’s mixing and sighs. There’s music blasting and the crowd seems to be having fun, but Nursey seems to be in the same mindset as Holtz. 

“Me neither,” Holster says. “I’m bummed as shit.”

Nursey clinks the rum with Holster’s red plastic cup. “Me too.”

“They were so much fucking better than us,” Holster groans. “If Ransom was here--”

“Stop it,” Nursey cuts him off. “You’re a great captain, Holster, with or without Ransom.” _Doubtful_ , Holster thinks. “We were just off our game. It happens.”

“I’m still bummed as shit,” Holster says.

“Okay fine. Cheers.” Nursey takes a swig from the bottle and winces a little, causing Holster to laugh. “Let’s get fucked up then.”

“If you’re going hard you need patrol, Nurse,” Holster says, finally letting his smile linger. “We’ve talked about this. And if Dex bailed…” he trails off. Nursey takes another drink from the bottle in a rush, like he’s preparing for Holster to tell him he’s cut off, and Holster laughs. “Then I guess I’m Nursey Patrol.”

Nursey’s mouth pops off the bottle. “Fuck yeah, Holtzy!”

“Better than a pity party,” Holster decides. At least it’ll give him some purpose. “Here, I already had a shot.” He grabs another plastic cup and tugs the bottle out of Nursey’s hands. “We’ll mix something for you and I’ll match you,” Holster says.

Nursey whistles, long and slow. “Thought people were advised to mind their liquor when on patrol?” he asks, though it’s clear he’s kidding.

“Whatever. Fuck Nursey Patrol.”

“Hell yeah!” Nursey agrees with a grin. “Fuck Nursey Patrol! This is…” his eyes unfocus a little. “Birknurse time?”

“Nurseholtz?” Holster offers.

“Oh! Hell! Yeah!” Nursey high fives him. “It’s fucking Nurseholtz time!”

Might as well.

They clink their cups together and right away, Holster feels a little better. Having a purpose at least gets him to stop lingering so much. He and Nursey knock back their drinks and make their way into the party slowly.

They dance in the crowd a bit and mingle with Chowder and Farmer and dance some more and it’s actually okay. Bitty’s been put in charge of the music and Holster and Bitty’s music taste is more or less the same, so he feels good and loose the longer he dances along.

 **Ransom  
**update?

 **Holster  
**i think whiskey’s making out with a lax bro

 **Ransom**  
are you serious????  
(also i meant with you)

 **Holster  
**ok it wasn’t whiskey but how the FUCK did a lax bro get in here

 **Ransom**  
tbd later  
holtzy! you having fun?  
you been drinking?

Holster looks up from his phone when he hears Nursey sigh.

Something shifts on Nursey’s faces, eyes growing sad, and before Holster can follow his gaze to see where he’s looking he’s back again.

“You okay?” Holster asks.

“Yeah.” His classic Nursey smile returns, but it’s sadder than normal. And they’ve been lightening up so the fact that this look is back makes Holster pause. “Losing just. Makes me wish I had someone?”

Holster thinks of Ransom at once.

“Me too,” he admits. He wishes Ransom was here for a million reasons. Ransom’s the only one who knows how to comfort Holster when he gets inside his head, and it more often than not includes spooning. Not that Ransom’s his _someone_ , but Ransom is also totally his someone. “We need more alcohol,” Holster says.

“Good plan.”

The two of them return to the kitchen and pour more shots, clinking their glasses and allowing themselves to smile.

“To…” Holster starts.

“To ignoring the fuck out of feelings,” Nursey declares.

“Fuck, cheers to that.” They knock back the shots and Holster winces. He’s not the biggest fan of Fireball, but apparently Farmer brought it and Chowder was insistent everyone at least have a little. “To Nurseholtz,” he offers.

“To Nurseholtz!” Nursey agrees.

The night mostly carries on like this. They’ll wander, drink a little, play some pong, change the music, and check their phones. But he hasn’t answered Ransom in a few hours now and the texts have shifted from trying to make conversation to flat out worry.

 **Ransom**  
holtzy please just text me back  
i know ur okay but i want you to tell me ur okay  
please  
it’s just one game adam it’ll be fine!

Holster pockets his phone.

It’s past midnight now and he should just retire, but he’s still kind of on Nursey Patrol and Nursey’s slipped back into bummed too. They’re a few drinks in now, tucked in the shadows of the party, when Nursey turns to him.

“You can leave,” Nursey says.

“I’m good.”

“Well then what do you need, Holtzy?” Nursey asks, turning to face him. “I’m not getting what I want tonight. So what do you want?” Holster shrugs, not really sure. He misses Ransom more than anything else but he’s going to torture himself a bit longer before texting him back. Honestly he wants to ask Nursey what he means by him not getting what he wants tonight - maybe he just meant a win? “We could take another shot? Dance some?”

“An orgasm would be nice,” he mutters, mostly joking.

There’s a beat of silence. Nursey tips his head to the side. “I can help with that.”

“Ugh,” Holster groans, lifting his hands to his face. He already regrets opening his mouth. “Thanks, Nurse, but I just don’t have it in me tonight. Going through all the effort to flirt and win someone over, blah blah whatever.” Holster drops his hands from his face and goes to turn away, maybe for more alcohol, but Nursey reaches out and grabs his wrist. “Yeah?”

“Not what I meant,” Nursey says.

The air between them stills. Holster’s not gonna deny that Nursey’s attractive. Most everyone on their team is hot, but Nursey’s like, really hot. His eyes drop to Nursey’s lips and watches as he smirks.

“Oh,” Holster says.

“Just offering,” Nursey says with a little laugh. He lets go of Holster’s wrist but Nursey’s mischievous smile lingers, and Holster knows right away that this isn’t anything serious.

“Well we shouldn’t jump bases, Nurse,” Holster murmurs, riding his buzz. “Let’s start small, hm?”

Nursey’s tongue darts out to wet his lips. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Holster rushes.

Why the fuck not?

It’s not like he hasn’t made out with people on the team after drinking before. Some older members from years ago, Shitty a couple of times, and even Ransom once last year. But that’s really as far as he’s gone with teammates, and if they’re gonna do this then they’ve gotta start there.

Nursey shrugs. “Okay.” He grabs Holster’s shirt and tugs him toward him without any hesitation.

It’s pretty good. They’re smiling at first so it’s hard to get past the curve of their mouths but soon enough they ease into something softer. It’s fun getting to know a new kisser. They set their cups aside and Nursey’s hands settle on Holster’s hip and Holster props himself up, his arm slightly above them so he can lean in.

It’s only once Holster realizes he’s actually getting turned on does he pull away. Nursey offered, after all, but it’s still weird new territory.

“Is this okay?” Holster asks, and Nursey nods into the next kiss. “Nurse,” Holster exhales. He presses his forehead to Nursey’s and closes his eyes as Nursey’s hands ease up under Holster’s shirt. There’s a small voice in the back of Holster’s head that sounds suspiciously like Ransom’s telling him to stop. “What are we doing?” Holster asks.

He opens his eyes just in time to watch Nursey’s lip dart out to wet his bottom lip.

“Fucking around?” Nursey offers. He tugs Holster a touch closer, offering a smile that settles something in Holster at once. “Dude, we’re both hot. We’re both sad.”

“We’re both drunk,” he reminds him.

Nursey laughs. “You’re Nursey Patrol,” he says. “We matched. How drunk are you?”

Holster’s not drunk. Buzzed, for sure, but not drunk.

“I’m bigger than you,” Holster tells him.

“Barely!” He laughs, lifting his elbow to nudge Holster’s chest, and Holster laughs too as something inside of him loosens. “You’re the fucking lightweight!”

“Me?!” Holster can handle chirping. “Derek Nurse, how _dare_ you call me such a thing!”

Nursey laughs again, pitching himself forward and dropping his forehead on Holster’s shoulder. “Chill, Holtzy, I’m teasing.” Other than Rans, Nursey’s the most physically affectionate person on the team. And even then, Ransom’s really only physically affectionate with Holster. But Holster fucking loves just _touching_ people and being _held_ , and with Nursey all tucked in against him Holster’s all kinds of comfortable. “Could be fun,” Nursey murmurs after a while. “But we can stop, if you want.”

“I mean I don’t _want_ ,” Holster says without thinking. Nursey’s eyes light up. “Are we doing this?”

“We should do this.”

“It’s just sex,” Holster reasons.

“For sure, bro.”

“And we’re both hot and sad.”

“And not drunk,” Nursey agrees.

“I’ll get you off too,” Holster promises, and Nursey grins.

“I’d hope so.”

Holster leans in again for another kiss. “No strings?”

“Fuck strings,” Nursey laughs.

“‘Swawesome.” Holster glances over his shoulder before calling the coast clear, and then the two of them hurry up to the attic together.

No one sees them.

When they get to Holster’s room and kick the door shut, all bets are off. They make out like they’re horny teenagers behind the bleachers, laughing against one another’s lips.

This is so much easier than using the kegster as a distraction. Kissing is easy and fun and Nursey’s _hot_. They tug their clothes off quickly until they’re just in their boxers and--yeah. They’re doing this. They’re really doing this.

“Lay down,” Holster says, jerking his head toward the bed.

“Why?”

“I said I’d get you off.”

Nursey hums, leaning back on Holster’s mattress. “I figured I’d get you first,” he says. Holster readjusts himself before striding toward him. “I mean I’m not _complaining_ ,” Nursey carries on as Holster stoops down. He slides his hands under the elastic and tugs the fabric down until Nursey’s cock pops out. “You’ve seen my dick before, Holster,” Nursey says, suddenly sounding breathless, and Holster’s eyes dart up to his face. He looks flushed, his eyes dark. “No need to _linger_.”

Holster laughs. “You went from _I’ll make you come first_ to _suck my dick_ reaaal fast, Nurse.”

“Bruh,” Nursey huffs, dropping his head back. “This is way hotter than I thought it’d be.”

Holster laughs again and reaches out for him. “You’re clean?” he asks.

“Mm-hm, got tested last month and haven’t been with anyone since. You?”

“Same but a couple months back.”

“It’s been a couple months since someone else has touched your dick?” Nursey asks, voice higher. “Who ya holdin’ out for, Holtzy?”

Instead of answering, instead of letting _that_ thought push itself into this moment Holster puts his mouth on Nursey’s cock. Nursey groans and the sound goes straight to Holster’s dick. He knows whenever Nursey gets his hands on him that he’s not going to last long. The suddenness of all of this, the fact that it’s his teammate and friend, it makes all of it so much more exciting.

They settle into a rhythm, Nursey murmuring semi-incoherent things about Holster’s mouth as they go. It’s sooner than Holster expects it to be when Nursey says he’s close.

“Oh, shit, Holtz,” Nursey groans, threading his fingers into Holster’s hair and tugging. “Your mouth _fuck.”_ Holster moans around him and doubles his effort, tightening his fist at the base of Nursey’s cock. “Holtzy, I’m--I’m gonna--”

Nursey shoves his fist into his mouth with the hand that isn’t in Holster’s hair to keep quiet when he comes, but over the party downstairs it’s not like anyone would hear them anyway. When Holster swallows and pulls off, Nursey tugs him toward him at once.

“You good?” Holster asks.

“Fuck, dude.” Nursey cups Holster’s cheeks and kisses him sloppily. “So fucking good, Holster. Damn.” Holster grins, all teeth, and Nursey laughs into the space between them. “How’d you get so good at that?” he exhales, still breathless from his orgasm.

“Practice?” Nursey tips his head to the side a little, like he’s trying to figure out who Holster’s been practicing with, before Holster rolls his hips forward just a little. He knows the look in Nursey’s eyes, the assumption that’s going to be made, because it won’t be the first time. Everyone always thinks it’s Ransom. And it’s not. And it’s never going to be. “You gonna make good on your offer?” he asks. “Cause you don’t have to, but--”

“Shuddup and c’mere.” Nursey sits up. “I haven’t had as much practice,” Nursey murmurs, eyeing Holster’s bulge.

“Anything’ll be good,” Holster exhales. His voice is tighter than he expects it to be. It’s just been awhile since he’s done this and God he needs it. Jerking off in his bunk at night or in the shower to the thought of his best friend is really not cutting it these days. “I’m serious, Nursey, literally anything. No pressure.”

“Well let’s.” He presses his hands against Holster’s hips slips his fingers past the elastic of his boxers, tugging them down as well. “Jesus.” Nursey’s tongue darts out to wet his lips and Holster whimpers. Nursey’s eyes dart up and he grins. “Damn, Holtz.”

“ _Nursey_.”

Nursey kisses him with a small laugh. “I got you.” The moment Nursey’s hands are on his cock, Holster’s sure this’ll be over way too soon. “Good?” Nursey asks.

“Uh-huh,” Holster exhales. Nursey licks the palm of his hand and returns it to Holster’s dick. “Fuck.” He drops his forehead to Nursey’s, eyes snapping shut. This is incredible. This is exactly what Holster needed. It doesn’t take long for Nursey to settle into a familiar pull and soon enough Holster’s muttering swears under his breath. “Nurse your hands,” Holster exhales. “I can’t--I--so goddamn...” Holster drops his forehead to Nursey’s shoulder and shudders as Nursey strokes him, long and slow. “Holy fuck.”

Nursey chuckles warmly and Holster’s hips jerk forward on their own. “So hot, Holtzy.”

“Not gonna last.”

Nursey catches his cheek and kisses him again. “Whenever you’re ready.”

When Holster comes he spills between them with a moan, all over Nursey’s hands, and their loss is the farthest thing from his brain. Holster sinks down onto his mattress feeling boneless and Nursey grins up at him as he settles down. They sit there for a moment in the quiet before Nursey takes a breath.

“You think I can make it to the bathroom downstairs and back unnoticed?”

“Too risky,” Holster murmurs, already half-asleep. “My water bottle’s in my bag,” he says, gesturing vaguely to his hockey duffle. “Just grab an old shirt or something.”

Nursey, bless him, hops up right away to get to work. By the time he wets the shirt and gently wipes down Holster’s stomach, Holster’s feeling hazy. Nursey kisses his way up Holster’s chest as he goes, gentle fingers against against his hip bones, his scruff against Holster’s skin.

It’s not what he wants, but it’s nice.

“Mmm.” Holster reaches out for him. “Stay?”

Nursey laughs, settling in beside him. “You thought I was gonna leave? Really?”

“I knew you cuddled after sex,” Holster says with a grin. “Please spoon me.”

“I wanna be the little spoon,” Nursey chirps.

“Next time.”

Nursey winds himself around Holster, burying his face into Holster’s neck and sliding one of his legs between Holster’s. “Next time?” Nursey asks.

Holster’s asleep before he can answer.

* * *

When Nursey wakes up, he’s pretty disoriented.

It’s not that he’s never been in the Haus attic before, it’s just that he’s never _slept_ there. It’s Holster and Ransom’s space, and unless there’s some sort of giant video game competition going on then Nursey’s typically down in the living room.

But the early morning light filtering through the curtains makes everything darker, casting eerie shadows. Nursey reaches up to rub at his eyes and turns, finding Holtz a few steps away pulling on a pair of sweats.

“Oh fuck,” Nursey says.

“Good morning to you too,” Holster returns, eyebrows high on his forehead.

“Shit, I didn’t mean--”

“It’s okay,” Holster stops him, laughing. He returns to his drawers and pulls out another pair of sweats, tossing them in Nursey’s direction. “Breakfast?”

Nursey sinks back down into Holster’s bed for a moment and tries to gather his thoughts. Everything’s a little muddled from the drinking and the fact that he’s still half-asleep, but Holster’s a good dude. And the sex last night was good. Really good. In fact he didn’t even think of--

“Where’s my phone?” Nursey rasps.

“Mmm.” Holtz turns, scanning the room, before finding Nursey’s pants on the ground. He digs through the pockets until he finds it. “Think fast.”

Nursey opens his eyes with enough time to catch it and then sinks back down. He pages through the texts quickly, a few from Chowder and a couple from Bitty, but he clicks on Dex’s name first. They become increasingly sarcastic as they go on but the first ones are full of worry.

 **Dex**  
Where’d you go?  
Nurse are you okay?  
Holster’s going to kill me if you ended up naked in the lake  
Where are you?  
Text me.

Nursey quickly types out a response.

 **Nursey**  
sorry ****  
holtz took patrol  
pls bring clothes and towel to the lake tho i’m way naked

Dex texts back right away.

 **Dex**  
Fuck you  
I can’t believe I was worried about you  
I hope the Swallow gets pictures of your bare ass

Nursey laughs, lowering his phone, and looks up to see Holster waiting for his answer. “Breakfast sounds good,” Nursey finally answers.

He climbs out of bed and pulls on Holster’s sweats before scanning the ground for his shirt. Holster finds it first and tosses it to him while laying out what the Haus is likely to be like. Their biggest barriers to being caught are Bitty and Lardo, both of whom are always up early after parties to get started with cleaning.

They end up not having to dodge anyone on their way out, and twenty minutes later they’re sitting in a booth at Annie’s waiting for the waitress to return with their food.

The moment they’re not _moving_ anymore, walking or giving their order or checking their phones, the quiet sets in.

Nursey’s not a fan of quiet.

“So…” Nursey starts.

Holster’s face lights up with a smile. “So that was something.”

“Definitely something,” Nursey agrees. He yanks open a small container of creamer and dumps it into his coffee before reaching for another. “You’ve got a mouth on you, Holtz.” Holster laughs before dropping his head into his hands. Nursey dumps in more creamer. “Do you regret it?”

“Nah,” Holster looks up. “It was fun.”

“It _was_ fun,” Nursey agrees. Holster passes him the containers of creamer that are on his side of the table. “C’mon Holtz, we don’t need to make this weird. We said no strings.”

“I’m your captain,” Holster says slowly, like he’s been thinking about it. “Are you sure?”

“You gonna start sucking my dick on the ice?” Nursey tosses back, and Holster laughs. “It’s chill, Holster, seriously. It was nice--it was _good_.” Still, Holster hesitates. “Don’t worry,” Nursey carries on. “We just had each other’s back in a different way.” Finally Holster cracks. He eases back into his seat and lets the tension sap from his shoulders. There’s something about the way Holster lifts his hand to drag through his hair that reminds Nursey of Dex, and his stomach clenches. “Could be nice, ya know?” he asks. “Convenient.”

“You want to keep doing this?” Holster asks.

“I’ll be your booty call if you’ll be mine,” Nursey says with a grin, ignoring the way he’s aching. Not because he’s doing this with Holster. This is a good idea. But Nursey knows when he’s burying shit deep and he’s doing it now and Holster hasn’t the slightest fucking idea. “It’s just sex. I trust you. Do you trust me?”

Holster looks like he’s considering it, and eventually he nods. “Course I do, Nursey.” They pause in their conversation when the waitress brings by their food, but once they’re alone again Holster speaks at once. “Yeah, let’s do it.”

“Yeah?”

“Why the fuck not?” Holster reaches for the syrup and starts pouring it over his stack of pancakes. It’s an ungodly amount of syrup, but the fact that Holster hasn’t said anything about the fact that Nursey’s coffee is 99% creamer he decides to keep his mouth shut. “It’s not like I’m looking for a relationship,” he says, sounding suspiciously like Ransom when Ransom starts making lists. “And it’s my senior year, so regular sex would probably be cool.”

“It’d be hella convenient,” Nursey agrees. Because he’s in love with a straight guy. So it’s not like he’s ever going to have _that_ going for him. Might as well pass the time with someone fun. But again. Bury that shit deep. “And seriously,” he adds again. “No strings.”

“No strings,” Holster agrees vehemently.

They finish breakfast a lot less awkward than they started and by the end of it they’re chirping one another about God knows what. Nursey feels loose. He’s never had a friend-with-benefits before because he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t get attached. But his heart is so firmly stuck on someone else that Nursey isn’t worried. And Nursey and Holster both seem to be pretty good at communicating, just in case anything was to go awry, so Nursey isn’t too concerned that this will have detrimental consequences on his life or relationships or anything.

If anything, maybe this’ll help Nursey wake the fuck up.

When Nursey gets back to his dorm, he’s surprised to see Dex waiting in the common room.

Dex is on his feet the moment the elevator opens and Nursey steps out. “Where the hell have you been?” Dex snaps.

Nursey pauses just a step out of the elevator. “Number one, chill,” he says. Dex narrows his eyes at him. “Number two, I got breakfast. Why?” Dex is red in the face. “I told you I was fine.”

“Well I was still worried,” Dex mutters.

“You’re the one who abandoned your post,” Nursey says, finally carrying on toward his room. Dex grabs his backpack and slings it over his shoulder to follow Nursey. “Your worry is self-inflicted.”

“I know you wanted to hang last night,” Dex says, his voice less angry and more apologetic. “I’m sorry.”

“Whatever.” Nursey keys into his room without waiting for an elaboration, but Dex follows him in. Thankfully Nursey’s roommate is out--probably home for the weekend like always. There was a reason they chose each other as roommates after all. “It’s fine, dude.”

It’s not fine, it sucks. Dex left Nursey so he could flirt with Rachel from the volleyball team. One of Farmer's friends. But it’s fine.

“After a game like that, I just…” Dex trails off awkwardly. He leans back against Nursey’s door. He never quite knows how to behave in Nursey’s spaces, Nursey’s realized, which is more adorable than it has any right to be. “It sucked.”

“I lost too,” Nursey says, turning to face him. “We all did. We’re a team. It sucked for me too. The only difference is I didn't fuck off like you did.”

“Well it looks like you had a nice night anyway,” Dex says, putting as much fire into his words that Nursey had just tossed at him. “So you can’t be too pissed at me.” Nursey shakes his head, not understanding, and Dex gestures forward. “You’ve got.” Dex lifts his hand to his own throat, and Nursey flushes.

Does he have hickeys? Holster did not fucking give him hickeys. He thinks back, remembering the feeling of Holster’s mouth against his skin.

“Would’ve rather hung out with you,” Nursey says, turning back to his stuff. “And C,” he adds, half-heartedly. He grabs his phone, tapping out a quick text to Holtz.

 **Nursey  
**thank you for not telling me about all the hickeys on my neck

 **Holster  
**Thank YOU fOR NOT telling me about the hickeys ALL OVER MY BODY

 **Nursey**  
LMAO  
Ur hot sry not sry  
how did you not see them this morning

 **Holster  
**glasses

 **Nursey  
**o yea

“You would’ve rather hung out with me and Chowder than hook up with someone?” Dex asks, rolling his eyes. “Sure, Nursey. And I didn't fuck off--Farmer's friend had a question about fucking _boating knots_ and when I turned around you were gone.”

"Whatever. It's not like you came looking."

"You're right. Because at some point I figured you went somewhere with someone anyway."

“Well you won't have to wonder next time,” Nursey mutters, finding his voice sharp. How does Dex get under his skin _so easily_? “Because it’s a regular thing now.” Dex huffs out a short noise and Nursey turns to him. “That’s right, Poindexter,” he says, arms out like he's going to bow. “I’m going to have my dick sucked on the regular, and really I have you to thank.”

“Jesus Christ, Nursey,” Dex mumbles.

 **Holster  
**we decided not to tell people right?

“Oh right,” Nursey says.

 **Nursey  
**correct

“Well who’s the lucky lady?” Dex asks, leaning backwards against the door.

So fucking heteronormative.

Nursey exhales before slipping his phone into his pocket. “I’m sure you’d love to know,” Nursey says. Safer than correcting him and getting into another fight. Easier on his heart.

Nursey can’t remember when his feelings for Dex started, but they don’t seem to be going anywhere. No matter how painfully straight the dude is.

“Then good for you,” Dex says. “I don’t actually care. Are we going to Chowder’s or not?”

 


	2. let's smoke some weed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ransom's back from his aunt's wedding and okay why the fuck does Holster have so many hickeys (but it's not a big deal, seriously). Also Chowder wants to talk about sex, and hey, isn't Nursey doing a sex thing with someone? Should they talk about that? Dex kinda wants to talk about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back! this chapter includes a little bit more world building from ransom and dex's pov. there's also lots of weed and lots of pining and lots of talk about sex and thoughts about sexuality. good frog time. i love my frogs. hope you like it!! 
> 
> ps just like world building reference i /kno/ it's the frogs's's''s's sophomore year ok so like they can prob pick their roommates and housing and such so we're just going say they picked other ppl so they have more places to hang out when they hang out idk just roll with it
> 
> edit: uhhhh i forgot chowder got a room in the haus WHOOPS so i went back and made small tiny edits. MY BAD IT'S FIC JUST ROLL WITH IT PLS

It’s not like Ransom expected Holster to be waiting for him when he got home.

Like, obviously Holster has a life and things to do. And it’s right after a loss/party so he could really be anywhere. It’s not a big deal.

But it still kinda sucks when Ransom gets back to the Haus and Holster isn’t there and his anxiety starts to do wonky things.

He went radio silent around 11 last night and while Ransom had plenty of distractions at his aunt’s wedding he couldn’t help but constantly worry. The flight back here was quick but heavy because he still hadn’t heard from Holtz, which was pretty unlike him.

Like. Super unlike him.

But Lardo and Bitty both confirmed that he was alive and well which was really all that Ransom needed to make it to the Haus okay. And then Holster still isn’t here.

He paces for a little bit before the stairs to the attic finally creak with Holster’s steps.

When the door opens, something inside of Ransom snaps.

“Holtz!” Ransom bursts. Holster pauses in the doorway, eyes wide, like he’s been caught in the act of doing something wrong. “Jesus Christ, come here!” Ransom crosses the room to him and wraps his arms around Holster at once. “I’ve been fucking worried about you, dude!”

Holster’s arms slowly circle back. “What? Why?”

“You haven’t been answering me!” Ransom exhales sharply and closes his eyes, letting himself be in the moment. “After the game last night I just--” he feels Holster’s body go slack. “Hey. Holtz.” Ransom pulls back, immediately forgiving him for Holster’s radio silence. People know that Ransom deals with anxiety but less people know about how bad it can get for Holster sometimes. It’s different than Ransom’s anxiety, different kinds of insecurity, but it can swallow Holster whole in an instant. “C’mon, you know that wasn’t your fault.”

Holster steps away from Ransom, shaking his head. “Felt like it.” Holster crosses the room so he can sit on the edge of his bed. “You go away for one game and the team falls apart on the ice.”

“Holtzy.” Ransom moves to sit beside him. “You’re a good captain. Don’t do this.”

“Not as good as you.”

“We’re always better when we’re together,” Ransom rushes, needing Holster to understand that. Ransom would’ve been in the same boat if he’d been alone because the two of them are always more brilliant when they’re with one another. “But that doesn’t mean you didn’t do everything you could.” Holster sighs before looking up at him. “I was worried about you,” Ransom says quietly. “You wouldn’t text me back. I know how you get sometimes.”

Holster’s always been incredibly impulsive. He’s done stupid shit _with_ Ransom around, but alone and after a loss that brutal Ransom couldn’t help but let his imagination run.

“I’m sorry,” Holster says quietly. “I just feel like such shit, you know?”

“You’re not,” Ransom insists. “You did the best you could and you did _great_.”

“You would’ve been better,” Holster says, still not looking at him. “If you’d been on your own then--” Ransom grabs his hands and squeezes, stopping him from even finishing because it simply isn’t true. “I let you down,” Holtz croaks.

“You never let me down,” Ransom swears. “Ever. Jesus, Adam, are you serious?” Finally Holster tips his head to look at him. There’s something in his eyes like he can’t even believe it, and Ransom can’t help but smile. Holster’s just so beautiful. “Let’s, uh. Have you eaten?” Ransom asks, dropping Holster’s hands quickly. “We could grab something, eh?”

“I just got back from Annie’s,” Holster says, that same guilty look from earlier crossing his face.

“No biggie, we’ve got Pop Tarts. We can get dinner?”

Finally, Holster eases. “Chyeah.”

“And smoke now?” he asks. Holster’s eyebrows creep up his forehead. “My cousin hooked me up,” Ransom explains.

“It’s not even noon, Ransy.”

“Wake and bake, basically,” Ransom says with a laugh. “We can go to the lake?” Then a touch softer, seeing as he didn’t even get a proper hello from his best friend, “I just want to be with you.”

“I wanna shower,” Holster says with a smile. “But yeah, that actually sounds great. Besides, I wanna hear all about the wedding.”

“God, Holtzy, I wish I had a plus one because you would’ve fucking loved it.” Ransom leans away as Holster stands, kicking off his shoes to get ready for his shower. “They had a cupcake truck.”

“No way.”

“Yes way. At least 15 flavors.”

“Do 15 flavors of cupcakes even exist?” Holster wonders, smiling. It was barely 48 hours being away from each other, but Ransom missed Holster so fucking much. “There’s like, vanilla. Chocolate. Red velvet?”

“Funfetti.”

“Funfetti isn’t a flavor,” Holster says, pulling off his shirt. “It’s vanilla with sprinkles in it.”

“Peanut butter,” Ransom carries on, though he’s pretty sure Holster would die for funfetti flavored anything. “Banana.”

“Okay, what?” Holster laughs, turning to face Ransom, and Ransom pauses. “Banana cupcakes sound disgusting, Rans, please tell me you didn’t eat one.”

It takes Ransom a moment for his focus to return. “You have fun last night, Holtzy?”

“What?” Holster’s smile slips away as he looks down at his chest. He’s got a whole lotta hickeys in some interesting places. “Oh.”

“No wonder you weren’t texting me back,” Ransom says, forcing a smile and trying to lean into it.

Holster barks out a laugh, quickly turning away from him. “It was nothing,” he says, effectively ending the conversation.

No deets.

“No deets?” Ransom teases.

“None to give,” Holster carries on.

“Well whoever she was--”

“He,” Holster stops him, back still to Ransom.

“Oh.” Ransom’s brain stumbles to catch up. He knows that Holster’s into dudes, they’re both giant bisexual disasters, but if Holster’s hooking up with people it’s normally girls. Either way it’s fine. It just catches Ransom a little off guard. “Was it… bad?” Ransom asks.

No deets is rare. So that must mean--

“No, it was great,” Holster says, tapping out a message on his phone. “But it was nothing.” Ransom feels like he’s a few steps behind whatever’s happening right now. Holster glances over his shoulder. “So these cupcakes?”

Ransom clings to the out and launches into the story of how he and his cousins made it their entire mission to try every flavor of cupcake that the cupcake truck had, and Holster laughs along in all the right places, but everything feels a little off balanced now.

He’s not upset over lack of deets. In fact, listening to Holster recount his hook-up in detail would probably be super painful. Ransom’s not upset at all, actually, because he doesn’t have any right to be. It’s not like he and Holster are together. It’s not like Holster’s not allowed to hook up with whoever he wants. It’s not like Holster even knows how he _feels_.

But if Ransom was here, then Holster probably wouldn’t have hooked up with anyone at all. Or if Ransom had managed to snag a plus one and take Holster to the wedding with him. And it’s not the hooking up that upset Ransom (because he’s _not_ upset, okay), it’s that it’s hooking up with people who _aren’t_ Ransom.

Maybe Ransom’s a little in love with his best friend. So what?

It’s a recent development that he’s still mostly coming to terms with. No one on the team knows. Not Lardo, not Jack. Honestly, it’s a shock that Ransom’s even admitted it to himself. He spent so long ignoring that feeling in his chest that sometimes he wishes he’d never actually realized it. Now he can’t go back.

And it’s not that he wants to, really. It’s just that it would probably be easier.

Holster disappears to shower after a while and Ransom heads down to the kitchen to grab a Pop Tart from the pantry. Lardo’s sitting at the table working on some sketches and she looks up, smiling when she sees him.

“You’re home!” she greets.

“I’m home,” Ransom agrees.

“How was the wedding?”

“It was fun,” he says, sinking down into the seat across from her. “I was worried it’d be weird, because my grandparents can be a little intense about uh, queerness. But it was great and gay and wonderful.”

“Cool,” Lardo says with a grin.

“Sorry about the game,” Ransom says, breaking off the crust of his Pop Tart. They’re dry and stale and he hates them just as much as Holster does. He can manage them when he’s heated his Pop Tart up but plain like this the ends are unbearable. “I know Holtz was really bummed.”

“Everyone was, yeah,” Lardo agrees, back to her work. “But the party was a blast, so whatevs.”

Ransom pops a piece into his mouth. “Was Holtzy okay last night?” he asks after a while. He’s not prying, he’s just being a good and diligent best friend. And co-captain. That’s all. “Did you see him?”

“I think Holtz took Nursey Patrol, actually,” Lardo tells him. “Dex was supposed to do it but he was in a mood.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, they ended up doing some shots together. But God only knows where they ran off to. It seemed like they were doing okay.”

Ransom swallows. “Huh.”

Before Ransom can ask a follow-up question (because he has a lot of them, like 1. Did Holster have a lot to drink or was he using his captain voice all night? And 2. Was Nursey giving him shit or was he comforting him? And 3. If he was comforting him, do you think he’s the one who set Holster up with someone to get out having patrol? And 4.--), Holster appears in the doorway, clean and smiling.

All questions fly out of Ransom’s brain. None of it matters.

Holster said it was nothing, anyway.

“Ready?” Holster asks.

Ransom shoves the rest of his Pop Tart into his mouth. “Let’s go.”

* * *

“What do you think would happen if you drank bong water?” Chowder asks, watching Nursey take a rip. They’re squished into Chowder’s bathroom because he and Lardo have their own, and Lardo just left for the studio (after stealing a hit of her own) so it’s the easiest place to smoke without getting caught by school officials while containing it to one zone. “Do you think you’d get really stoned? Or it would just be disgusting?”

Nursey pulls off the bong way before he’s ready so he can cough out a laugh, and the smoke that puffs out of his mouth makes Dex feel sinful.

“It’d just be disgusting, C,” Nursey tells him. “It’s just a way to get the high, it doesn’t hold any of it. Just the smoke. It’s toxin water.”

“I love that you had an answer,” Chowder says, leaning back onto his palms. They’ve shoved towels against the bottom of the door to prevent any smoke from getting out and the whole bathroom is already hazy even though they haven’t been in there long. “Have you tried it?”

“Maybe.”

“Oh, Nursey,” Chowder says with a sigh. Dex shakes his head at Nursey’s responding grin. “That’s so gross, dude.”

“I was in high school,” he tells them before finishing off his hit. It goes down a lot smoother and when he exhales, he blows it in Dex’s face. Asshole. “Mistakes were made and lessons were learned.”

He tosses the lighter to Dex who almost drops it. He’s still fairly new to the smoking scene. They don’t do it very often but if there’s no one else Dex would rather experiment with than Nursey and Chowder. He feels safe with them, and he knows they’d never do anything to fuck him over. Besides, being high really mellows him out. He thought he’d get way paranoid but that never seems to be the case.

Regardless, he takes a hit from the bong and holds it as long as he can.

“You’re getting better at that,” Nursey says when Dex finally exhales. He flips him off, making Nursey laugh. “I’m serious, Dex. Remember when you’d spend ten minutes coughing?”

“Aw, leave him alone,” Chowder says with a laugh of his own. “He’s a beginner, Nursey!” Chowder reaches for the lighter and Dex passes it over, rolling his eyes and suppressing the urge to cough.

Still, they spill out of him, short and tight. “Fuck off,” he coughs and Nursey beams, reaching over to squeeze his shoulder. “Water?”

“Got you,” Nursey answers. He grabs the water bottle from his side and passes it over, letting Dex take a few big drinks. “Alright?”

“Yeah,” Dex rasps. “Let me skip the next one.”

They’re hotboxing anyway which means Dex doesn’t really have to smoke too much to get pretty high. Dex passes the bong to Chowder and watches as his friend packs the bowl with precision.

Chowder’s quiet as he prepares for his hit but the second the smoke is settling in the air after, he sighs. “Caitlin wants to have sex,” he says.

“Oh shit,” Dex says.

“Wait I thought you’ve already had sex?” Nursey wonders.

“We’ve done hand stuff,” Chowder says, passing the bong back to Nursey.

“That’s still sex,” Nursey says.

“Well like--real sex.”

“Hand stuff is still real sex, C,” Nursey continues.

Chowder huffs, lifting his hands to cover his face. “I know you’re right,” he says. “Caitlin wants to uh…” he tips his head like he’s considering which word to use. “Go all the way? Like--super bone.”

“Oh my God, C,” Nursey laughs. Dex just shakes his head. “Dude.”

“I’ve just never _had_ real--or, well, penetrative--?” Nursey laughs again but nods encouragingly. “I’ve never gone all the way,” Chowder settles with, holding up his hands in defeat. “You guys know she’s my first serious girlfriend! What do I do?”

“Well do you want that?” Dex asks.

“ _Chyeah_ , I do!”

Nursey takes another hit, blowing the smoke at Dex again. “Then what’s the hang-up?” Nursey asks. Dex swats the smoke away with a frown.

“I don’t know,” he admits. “I’m like, barely 20? Sex is scary?”

“I mean, it can be,” Nursey agrees, opting for another hit instead of passing it back to Chowder right away. “But like--you and Farmer are serious about each other, yeah? You trust her?”

“So much,” Chowder says.

“You love her?” Nursey asks.

“I mean--yeah! Of course I do!”

“Legit,” Nursey says, nodding a little. “So be honest with her, C. Go at your own pace if that’s what you want. But if you need more time, take more time.”

Chowder makes grabby hands for the bong and Nursey passes it back with a small laugh. Dex leans back against the nearest wall and smiles as Chowder packs an even bigger bowl than last time.

“You’re right,” he says, eyes on his work. “You guys have had sex,” Chowder says. “Right?”

“Kind of,” Dex mutters.

“Yeah,” Nursey says.

“Nursey actually got laid last night,” Dex chirps.

“What do you mean kind of?” Nursey asks, turning to Dex and ignoring his chirp.

“You got laid last night?” Chowder echoes, ignoring the kind of. He looks up, eyebrows furrowed. “With who! You didn’t text the group!”

The three of them have their own group chat, in which they frequently share deets if deets are relevant. But Nursey hadn’t which, now that Dex is thinking of, is kinda unlike him. Not that Nursey is sharing deets about his hookups on the regular, he isn’t. But he likes to keep everyone else informed.

“It’s gonna be a regular thing,” Dex adds, remembering what Nursey had said earlier in his own room. He leans heavy on the sarcasm when he says, “Right, Nurse?”

Nursey says nothing.

“Dude, you like, always have deets,” Chowder says, like Nursey’s always hooking up with people and spilling gossip which again isn’t necessarily true. Nursey’s definitely hooked up the most out of the three of them, but he’s normally just drunk making out with girls from his gender studies classes. Or his poetry classes. Or his psychology classes. Whatever. “What happened?”

“Nothing _happened_ ,” Nursey finally answers. He slips into _chill_ so fucking easily.

“So you didn’t have sex last night?” Chowder pries.

“I mean I _did_ but it’s like--not a big deal.”

Chowder’s jaw drops. “It _is_ a big deal! I’m sitting here freaking out about sex and you’re just banging one out like it’s no biggie?”

“Oh my God,” Nursey groans as he lifts his hands to his face. “We can’t do this stoned. Let me think for a second about words.”

Dex reaches for the bong again while Nursey closes his eyes to think about words. He only opens his eyes when he hears the lighter. Dex can feel Nursey watching him the entire time he smokes.

“Dex abandoned Nursey Patrol,” Nursey says when Dex finally exhales.

Chowder shakes his head. “And so in revenge you went and had sex?”

“Wait--revenge? What?” Nursey frowns. “No!”

“Just trying to figure out how Dex abandoning you has anything to do with you having sex with a still unnamed person!”

“And unnamed they will remain,” Nursey says. “Look, it was a spur of the moment thing and it was nice and--maybe I’m not like, in love with the guy, but--”

“Guy?” Dex cuts him off.

“--sometimes sex is really important and meaningful and sometimes it’s just sex, you know?”

“No,” Chowder admits.

“Nu-uh,” Dex agrees.

Nursey frowns at his friends. “Be supportive of me.”

“I am!” Chowder rushes. “Of course I am. If you want to have spur of the moment casual sex on the reg, just be safe, Nursey.”

“Thank you, C.” He looks to Dex. “Your turn.”

“I don’t care what you do,” Dex mutters.

“Close enough.” Nursey reaches for the bong again. “I mean--I’m trying something new,” he says as he readies his hit. “Maybe it’ll blow up, maybe not. We’ll see.”

“But you don’t want to talk about it,” Chowder confirms, and Nursey nods. “For sure. But if you do--”

“I know, I know.”

Dex wishes he wanted to talk about it.

Thankfully no one returns to Dex’s _kind of_ and they move on easily enough. The bathroom is tiny and smokey and Dex’s knees start to buzz when his high settles in. He digs out his phone to pass the time between his next hit and taps through his apps.

“Look. Rans and Holtz are smoking too,” Dex says, holding up his phone to show the Snapchat that Ransom had sent to the group.

Nursey smirks. “Stoner Saturday.”

“I’m not a stoner,” Dex objects. Chowder _hmms_ loudly while Nursey laughs. “I’m not. You two are bad influences on me.” Nursey laughs a little harder and Dex feels his face burn, but he can’t put his smile away. “I’m like a casual consumer.”

“Casual consumers in the weed world could probably be considered stoners,” Nursey says.

“Then I’m like--the one guy who randomly walks through the farmers market every once in a while because he’s feeling inspired only this time he actually buys something.”

Nursey’s grinning. “You go to the farmers market?” he asks.

“Sometimes!”

“And you don’t take me with you?”

“Well as the scenario suggested,” Dex carries on, reaching for the bong again, “I only rarely actually make a purchase. You would want to booth linger.”

Chowder tosses him the lighter.

“Booth lingering is fun,” Nursey agrees. “It’s how you make friends.” Dex rolls his eyes before taking a rip. It’s not as big as his last one but he does hold it better, and this time when he exhales he doesn’t even cough. “I won’t say it,” Nursey immediately tells them, holding up his hands.

“You can say it,” Dex says, voice thick from the smoke.

“You’re getting better at that,” Nursey responds softly. Dex smiles and looks away.

They linger in the bathroom for a little longer before Dex really wants some fresh air, so they clean up quickly and ease into Chowder’s room. They spray a fuck ton of Febreeze and light as many as six candles before they feel safe that the smell is covered. Haus or not, they're not monsters.

Dex claims Chowder's bed first but Nursey flings himself in to join, leaving Chowder to grab a seat elsewhere. Somehow it always ends up like this. 

Chowder wants to hear Farmer’s voice when he’s high so he dials away and holds his phone to his ear, whispering into it like they’re sharing secrets late at night even though it’s the middle of the day. So that leaves Dex and Nursey to each other. 

Before Dex knows it, there’s soft music playing from a nearby speaker. The music is just instrumental but it feels nice, somehow, and with the sun streaming through the nearby window Dex is really enjoying being in this moment.

He looks over at Nursey, trying not to seem too fond. They’re side-by-side in C’s bed so they end up almost nose to nose.

“You pick good music,” Dex says.

Nursey smiles, making Dex feel two shades warmer than he already is. “You like it?” he asks.

“Shut up.”

“I like that you like it, Dex,” Nursey carries on.

Dex’s face burns. He wants to look away but Nursey’s eyes are so warm and green and Dex is too stoned to order himself to do anything else. Nursey’s so beautiful it physically pains Dex. It’s like he was crafted to make Dex feel both inferior and flustered whenever he looks for too long.

Still, eventually he does look away. “Why didn’t you correct me earlier?” Dex asks. “When I asked who the girl was?”

“Wasn’t worth the fight,” Nursey responds.

“Why do you think it would’ve turned into a fight?”

Nursey sounds tired when he says, “Doesn’t it always?”

 _No_ , Dex thinks. It doesn’t. Not lately, anyway.

“You could’ve told me,” Dex finally says. “It’s not--I don’t _care_ , Nursey.”

Like, he really doesn’t care that Nursey’s pansexual. It’s not a big deal. At all.

Because Dex is hella gay.

No one knows yet, other than Bitty who Dex came out to a few months ago by accident and the one guy he traded hand jobs with after last year’s Winter Screw, and it’s becoming a harder secret to keep. Dex really wishes it wasn’t a secret at all, honestly, but coming out is hard and he’s still pretty deep in the closet.

Which is why Nursey thinks he can’t talk to Dex about queer things, obviously. Because he thinks Dex is uncomfortable with them.

Which he is. But like. Not in the ways that Nursey thinks.

See it’s not that Dex is ashamed to be gay. It’s not being into dudes that he’s afraid of. He’s made his peace with it, long standing family values and religious beliefs be damned. It’s the being into anyone, really. Feelings are hard for him. Romantic feelings are rare. The thought of making out with someone, let alone sucking their dick? Almost nonexistent.

Yet Nursey persists on all fronts.

“Well like I said,” Nursey murmurs, tapping through his phone to switch songs. “I don’t want it to be like, a thing.”

“Sure,” Dex says quietly.

Even if Dex came out to Nursey and Chowder like he wants to, like he’s been planning to for weeks, he knows it won’t change anything. Nursey’s never going to feel the way about Dex that Dex feels about him. He can’t. And even if he did--feelings are too complicated with Dex anyway. It’s a mess and a half to even admit to himself that Nursey’s the first person in a long time that Dex actively wants to _be_ with.

He might be demi. But it was hard enough to come to terms with identifying as gay that Google searching _am I demisexual?_ might need to wait a little bit.

Thankfully, Nursey changes the subject. “Do you ever like--think space might not be real?” he asks. "My friend in my writing class was telling me how she thinks the whole thing is just a giant  _dome_."

Dex sure knows how to pick ‘em.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a couple of people have left comments about it being 10 chapters - cool! but um it might actually be more? the whole fic isn't finished and it's at least 10 rn but it might be uh like. 15? hope that's okay! xoxo


	3. they call me quiet but i'm a riot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holster's in Big Love with Ransom but March is coming over so he's going to Nursey's instead of thinking about that (just kidding, he's still thinking about that). Nursey kind of knew Holster was thinking about that anyway. But Holster's not alone in having Other Feelings. Meanwhile Dex attempts to display an emotion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *BUMBUM THAT'S NOT MY NAME, THAT'S NOT MY NAME* 
> 
> tbh i really wanted to update yesterday for nursey's birthday (i love that beautiful arrangement of LINES) but i want to like, finish the Next chapter before i post the Current chapter right. so i didn't do that
> 
> but i also still haven't finished the Next chapter before i am posting this so use that information how you will. i was gonna post half of this chapter (end after nursey's pov) but WHATEVER have more words! all the POVs! here you go! happy friday! 
> 
> WELCOME BACK have some fun and pining xoxo. this chapter is like the beginning of POV's not staying in any sort of order, my b
> 
> also like. the passage of time in this fic is just *gestures vaguely*. i know nothing about the function of time or the playing of hockey

The next time Nursey and Holster sleep together, it’s because March is coming over.

Ransom and March broke up a few months ago but Justin Oluransi has a habit of befriending his exes so the two of them are still on pretty good terms.

But before that, he and Holster are just hanging out in Holster’s bunk. Ransom’s scrolling on his phone and Holster’s pretending like he’s not half asleep with his arm draped over Ransom’s waist. He had a long day and even though the sun hasn’t totally set yet he feels like he could go to sleep and stay like that until practice in the morning.

He’s nearly there when Ransom says, “Hey Holtzy?”

“Mm.”

Ransom sets his phone down and turns to Holster, which wakes Holster up enough that he can properly look at his friend. “You awake?” Ransom asks carefully.

“Yeah,” Holster rasps. He knows his voice gives away how not-awake he is, but he coughs to clear his throat.  Something suddenly seems off and he doesn’t want his exhaustion to force this moment aside. “What’s up?”

Ransom studies Holster’s face for a moment before his eyebrows furrow a little. “I’ve been thinking about something,” he says. “And it’s been bothering me so I just--” Holster reaches out on instinct, his hand sliding tighter around Ransom’s waist to pull him closer on the already crowded bed. “I figure I should say something,” Ransom finally concludes.

“Course, Rans,” Holster nods.

Still, he hesitates. Something tight latches in Holster’s chest and drops into his stomach but he remains as calm as he can. Ransom could want to talk about a million things. Literally anything. But Holster’s first thought is _maybe_ his first thought is always fucking  _maybe_ and he can’t help his spike in anxiety.

“When I was at the wedding,” Ransom starts, and wait a second--is this happening? Why is Ransom talking about the wedding? Wedding means love, and-- “Look, I feel weird even saying anything.”

Holster’s whole stomach rolls. “What happened? You know you can talk to me dude.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Ransom rushes. “It’s just that you know how I get.” Holster knows a lot of Ways That Ransom Gets but he’s not sure what this means in particular. So Holster just nods. His voice is small when he says, “When you went radio silent on me it scared the shit out of me, Holtzy.”

Holster blinks a few times, confused. “What?”

“The last time you drank alone after a loss you ended up in the hospital,” Ransom says, and it almost sounds like he’s in pain. “And I--really, Adam, I get it if you need time to process alone but--”

“I wasn’t drinking alone,” Holster stops him. “Or really alone at all.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t know that. All I knew was that it was our first loss and I wasn’t there and the last text you’d sent me said something about drinking until you blacked out.”

“The team was here,” Holster tries.

“I didn’t want to hear from the team about how you were doing, I wanted to hear from you.” Shame burns Holster’s chest. Ransom isn’t wrong. Holster’s history of drinking alone isn’t a good one, even before Samwell. He’s gotten himself in some dangerous situations and some dark mindsets. Ransom’s concern is firmly planted in past experiences and it makes Holster feel like a dick for ghosting him. A lot of the current team doesn’t know things like that. “Like I said,” Ransom carries on quietly, “if you need time alone that’s _fine_. Just next time could you let me know?”

“Yeah,” Holster whispers. “Justin…”

“And again I feel like a dick for even saying anything,” Ransom rushes. “Like--you’re an adult. You’re older than me. But--”

“No, shut up,” Holster stops him. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” He shakes his head a little and grips Ransom’s side a little tighter. Ransom’s a worrier and Holster _knows_ that. “I’m the dick in this scenario, I should’ve communicated with you. I’ll be better.”

Ransom offers him a small smile, but he still seems unsure. “Sorry. Thank you, Holtzy.”

“No, thanks for saying something. I mean--I didn’t know that you were that worried. I mean I know you _worry_ , but--” Ransom rolls his eyes and Holster finds himself smiling. “Hey, you know I love you?”

“I know,” Ransom says, finally smiling too. “I love you too, dude.”

They’re looking at each other for a moment before Holster’s heart feels like it’s going to explode. “We are very mature,” he says, a touch too loud, because he can’t let them sit in a moment this soft for too long.

Ransom laughs and rolls a little out of Holster’s grip, reaching back for where he set his phone. “Yes, very,” he agrees. Ransom’s on his phone at once but Holster’s gaze lingers on him.

Holster is so stupid in love with him.

Not that Ransom would ever ask, but if he wanted the moon Holster would find a way to get it for him. He’s thinking about different ways to wield the stars when Holster is very rudely thrust back into the reality in which he actually exists, where Ransom can craft his own stars and has done so time and time again.

Ransom’s phone buzzes. Something on his face shifts, but Holster can’t figure out what it is. Almost as though Ransom knows what Holster’s thinking he speaks.

“It’s March,” Ransom says.

Holster waits a moment, making sure his voice is even when he asks, “Yeah? What’s she want?”

Ransom taps out his response. “Bio help.” It’s good that they’re still friends. Really. Honestly. But they ended like, _super_ amicably, and any time that they hang out again Holster can’t help but let the anxiety of whatever it is They Are seize his gut. “Is it cool if she comes over?”

“Yeah,” Holster rushes, and no, his voice doesn’t give. “Sure. I can make myself sparse.”

Holster sits up at once and swings his legs over the edge of the bed.

“Whoa,” Ransom laughs a little, sitting up too. “Slow down, bro, it’s not like she’s outside the Haus or anything. And--” still, Holster’s on his feet in an instant, forcing a playful smile on his face so Ransom can’t sense the way he’s aching. “We’re just studying,” Ransom says, throwing out his arms. “Seriously, Holtz, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if you stayed. You were basically asleep ten minutes ago.”

Holster laughs. “Dude, no way. And it’s fine, I’ve got some shit I could work on.”

“Work on it here,” Ransom says.

“Yeah because I’m an absolute shit wingman, Ransy, no fucking way. When’ll she be here?”

There’s some more back and forth for a bit but when March texts that she’s almost there, Holster knows he has to get out of the Haus.

He doesn’t even really remember sending the text.

 **Holster  
**wyd?

Nursey doesn’t answer right away, which is fine. Probably good. But Holster’s buzzing with anxious energy and he can’t sit in his room a second longer (Ransom just went down to let March in), so he heads to Lardo’s room. It takes her a second to answer her door but he knows better than to enter before that after walking in on one very awkward Skype call involving a lot of body paint.

“Yeah?” she greets.

“Let me hang.”

She wrinkles her nose but opens the door for him. On her floor is her sketchpad and pencils and she settles back down to get to work once they shut the door. Holster perches on the edge of the bed and watches her work, just kind of bouncing his leg. Lardo doesn’t speak until they listen to Ransom’s leading voice light and bright as they pass by Lardo’s door on their way up to the attic.

“What’s going on?” she asks, eyes only darting up once.

“March is over.”

“Hm.” Lardo drags her pencil over the paper in long strokes. “For class?”

“Yeah, Rans is helping her with bio.” Holster leans back on his hands with a sigh. “Just didn’t wanna be in their, like. Space.”

“So they can fuck.”

“They’re not together,” Holster blurts. “Like--anymore, they broke up. Remember?”

Lardo looks up at him smugly, setting down her pencil. “You don’t have to be dating someone to bone them.” Holster knows that’s true, seeing as that’s what he’s doing with Nursey after all and why he disappeared from the room in an instant, but he can’t stop himself from thinking of it like this. “They were good together, I thought,” Lardo says, abandoning her art completely. “He seemed happy.”

“He did,” Holster agreed. “He was,” he corrects. “But it was March who ended it,” Holster rambles on, “because she said she didn’t have time, or something. Or maybe she said Rans didn’t have enough time? I don’t know. But they’re still on good terms, so what if this is them working it out?”

They've hung out before without them getting back together, so why does this feel more urgent all of a sudden?

Lardo waits a moment, letting the silence linger. “Then good for Rans. Right?”

Right.

“Right,” Holster says. “Of course. He deserves to be happy.”

 **Nursey**  
just got outta class  
i love poetry LITERALLY so much  
whaddup?

“You don’t like March?” Lardo presses.

 **Holster**  
nerd ass  
can i come over?

“March is nice,” Holster says.

 **Nursey**  
you insult me and then want sex?  
what a turn on dude

 **Holster**  
LMAO  
you know i am a fan of your nerd ass bro it’s not a bad thing

 **Nursey**  
well then get your  
uhhhh  
fine ass over here?  
i didn’t want to use nerd ass again

“Who are you texting?” Lardo asks, narrowing her eyes. “Are we done talking about Rans and March?”

“Might as well be,” Holster says, but he’s smiling now. “Rans is--look, he’s gonna do what he wants to do.”

“Why are you trying to convince me?” Lardo says, arching an eyebrow. “You’re the one who was upset about it.”

“I wasn’t upset!”

“Sure, okay.”

He points at her on his way out. “Love you, Lards.” She rolls her eyes and shakes her head, but she’s smiling fondly.

Holster has to run upstairs and grab his bag, and even though he kind of expects to see March and Ransom sitting as close as they are, Ransom easily in her space and both of them looking comfortable, it still hits like a punch in the gut. They’re side by side with their back against Holster’s bunk, a textbook perched between them and a laptop a short distance away.

Ransom’s easy smile slips when he spots Holster. “Sorry, dude,” Holster rushes. “Just needed my bag!”

“Hey Adam,” March greets. Holster watches as Ransom shifts slightly away from her, smile gone now.

“Sup, March?” he grabs his bag and wheels back to the door. “Sorry for interrupting.”

“We’re just studying,” March tells him.

“Mmm-hm,” Holster reaches to pull the door so he can shut it on his way out. “Sorry Rans,” Holster adds.

“We’re just studying, Holtz,” Ransom says again.

“Got it. Just studying.” He manages his best smile. “Well don’t study too hard.”

March giggles a little and Holster rushes out before he cracks.

He’s at Nursey’s 15 minutes later, Nursey on his knees with Holster in his mouth, and it’s a perfect distraction.

But Holster’s mind wanders and.

“Oh-- _Rans,”_ Holster rasps.

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfuck.

Nursey pulls off of Holster’s cock and looks up at him, eyebrows high. He licks his lips. “Did you just say _Rans_?” he asks.

“Nursey--” Nursey fucking _loses_ it. He laughs so loudly and so genuinely that Holster can’t stop himself from joining in. “Oh--fuck, what a fucking mood killer!”

Nursey’s still laughing. “It’s not,” he insists with a grin. He drags his hand slowly down the length of Holster’s cock and shakes his head, chuckling another time. “Gimme a sec.”

A few more laughs burst out of him as he gets back to work on Holster’s dick. Holster’s chest is still loose from laughter but the second Nursey’s on him he’s back in the moment. He’s too good with his mouth and he knows it.

Holster groans. “Jesus, Derek.” Nursey hums while Holster rests his hand on the back of his neck. “Yeah, I know who you are. Shuddup.”

Nursey pulls off to laugh. “Do you want me to suck your dick or not, Holtzy?”

With a huff, Holster drops his head back against the wall. “Okay, okay!” Nursey redoubles his efforts to make it one of the best blowjobs that Holster’s ever gotten. It’s hot and slick and when Nursey takes him down his throat with what seems like practiced ease Holster nearly loses it. “You’re way too fucking good at that,” Holster rasps.

Nursey hums and Holster lets go with a gasp. It’s messy but Nursey swallows before Holster sinks to his knees. When Holster returns to himself Nursey’s there just a few inches away looking bright and smug.

“My turn?” he asks.

Holster tugs him in for a quick kiss. “Uh-huh.”

Nursey grins.

* * *

Holster makes up for calling Nursey _Rans_ by giving him an orgasm that consumes his whole fucking body in a stupidly short amount of time. Not that Nursey is going to complain, because his legs feel like jelly in the best way. But it is seriously ridiculous that Holster can make him come that fast.

This wasn’t how he’d been expecting to spend his night.

He’d had plans set and cancelled long before Holster had texted, it just happened to be good timing. Or shitty timing. Either way Nursey’s happy he’s not alone.

They’re squished together on Nursey’s tiny bed still recovering. Or, well, Holster’s probably pretty recovered by now but Nursey’s brain is still a few steps behind the conversation they should have.

But they have to have it.

“So,” Nursey finally starts. Holster exhales deeply, lifting his hands to cover his face. He’s clearly feeling guilty which sucks because this is honestly pretty amusing to Nursey. “You and Rans,” he elaborates, as though Holster doesn’t know where this is headed.

“I’m kinda in love with him,” Holster says.

Nursey grins. “That’s chill.”

He’s always thought so. Everyone has, whether they talk about it or not. Ransom and Holster will finish each other’s sentences on the ice while giving pep talks as though they’re in one another’s heads, find each other like they already have one another’s hearts. They’re always together sharing looks that Nursey was sure meant more.

“I’m sorry,” Holster tries again.

“It’s okay,” Nursey stops him. “Seriously, I told you I wasn’t gonna fall in love with you, dude. I mean to be honest I’ve always wondered why you and Rans _weren’t_ a thing.” Holster doesn’t elaborate and he doesn’t remove his hands from his face. “Besides,” Nursey says, his smile slipping. He can be honest with Holster. Holster’s being honest with him. “You’re not the only one using this to avoid feelings.”

Holster drops his hands and turns to look at him. “Who?” he asks. Nursey keeps his eyes on the ceiling. “C’mon, man, you know I’ve got your back.”

Nursey takes a deep breath. “Must be a d-men thing,” he mutters.

“Oh, fuck, Nurse,” Holster says. “Dex?”

“Dex.”

“We are so fucking stupid.”

“I mean at least Ransom’s bi,” Nursey says. “Dex has made it abundantly clear that men aren’t his type.”

“Maybe too clear,” Holster murmurs.

“No,” Nursey stops him. “I’m not gonna speculate. When people tell you who they are you’ve gotta listen.”

He can’t let himself dream that maybe Dex is still in the closet. He can’t pretend like the two of them is a possibility and let his imagination run away from him. He needs to accept this. End of discussion.

Holster nods like he understands. “No--yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry.” He’s quiet for a moment before he says, “Justin told me so. That it would never happen.”

Even though he’s just said that he can’t let himself hope for a future with Dex, something in his stomach goes sour. That’s not how this ends. There’s no way that this can’t end with Holster and Ransom together. They’re like super in love. They _have_ to be. He knew it even before Holster had said something.

But if they’ve actually talked about this--if Ransom doesn’t actually have feelings for Holster, then there’s absolutely no way Dex could have feelings for Nursey. Less than negative, which is painful in ways Nursey doesn’t want to think about.

“What did he say?” Nursey asks.

“Well just--context for a second,” Holster says tiredly, reaching up to brush his hair from his face. “We made out at a party last year. We were both kinda drunk and it wasn’t… great? But it wasn’t bad either I mean…” he trails off with a sigh. “I wanted that so of course it was great.”

“For sure,” Nursey agrees.

“But we never talked about it. We just went to bed and woke up like nothing had changed. And--I could’ve said something. I mean, I was going to. But it was hard to figure out what I wanted to say, I mean _he’s my best friend_. Whatever it was going to be was going to change shit _for real_ and I was…” he exhales. “I was afraid? And then…” Holster sighs again. “Then Parson came to the next kegster and I was a little drunk because I was working up the nerve to say something. And when I did he was so… mad?” Holster offers.

“He was mad,” Nursey echoes, confused.

“I mean--we were talking about the rumors with Parson and Jack,” Holster says. “Which--yeah we probably shouldn’t have been doing. But again we were drinking and I said something like… something like how we’d end up together at the end of all of this. I can’t remember exactly. But it was about me and him being together and he--” Holster exhales a tight laugh. “He shut it down real fast.”

“You remember what he said?”

“ _You and I aren’t going to happen_ ,” Holster says, his voice so serious and cold that it somehow makes Nursey feel guilty. “ _Not everyone needs to end up together._ ” Holster shakes his head. “No hesitation. No push. Like, it was the end of that conversation we never had.”

Nursey exhales slowly. He can see why Holster might be afraid.

But. “I don’t know,” Nursey says. “People can change their minds. I mean--that’s hardly a discussion about commitment. You were drinking at a party. And I see the way that Ransom looks at you. There’s love there, man.”

Holster shakes his head. “He’s getting back with March.”

“What? Seriously?”

“I mean--I think maybe,” Holster says. “She’s over now.”

“Wow.” Nursey allows himself a laugh. “I’m a legit unhealthy coping mechanism.”

Holster winces. “Sorry.”

“Dude,” Nursey nudges him, still smiling but a little sadder now, “you’re my unhealthy coping mechanism too.” Finally Holster eases, a crack of a smile on his face. “Dex cancelled plans on me last minute but never said why.” Nursey shrugs, his smile returning full force as he realizes how absolutely ridiculous this shit is. “Radio silence for hours now.”

“Nurse,” Holster says gently, but there’s a laugh in his voice and his smile is growing too. “How did that even _happen_?”

“You mean how did I fall in love with Samwell’s most conservative redhead?” Nursey asks. “I have no fucking idea, Holtzy!” Holster chuckles a little and Nursey throws his arms up. “God, fuck! I swear to God sometimes he’ll do shit, small fucking moments, so _infinitely small_ that I know they mean nothing and still…” he trails off, shaking his head.

Holster’s still smiling when he asks, “Like what?”

“He’s never read Shakespeare in his life, right?” Nursey asks. “He like, maybe SparkNoted them in high school, but the other night he sent me like, _five_ Shakespeare memes in a row. They came in a mass flood like he’d saved them to send all at once. And they were _funny_.” Holster snorts, but there’s no way he actually has any clue as to the depth of these jokes. Nursey had been doubled over in laughter with tears literally coming from his eyes thinking about Macbeth. “Or--like the other day I looked up and he was just _looking_ at me. And--okay I know that people looking at each other doesn’t mean anything but--” Nursey knows he sounds like an idiot but he can’t stop, “--we made eye contact and he didn’t look away, he just smiled a touch wider and my whole fucking _chest_ caved in.”

“You know, I’m not sure I’ve ever really seen Dex smile.”

“You haven’t,” Nursey groans. Because a Dex smile isn’t something someone _forgets_. They’re subtle and soft and so warm that everything about him glows. He’s only received a few of them and they’re the most precious gift he’s even gotten from Dex. “I’m so fucked. Like I know I am. He’s so emotionally stunted--I seriously just do not understand how I got here.”

The silence of the room settles in before Holster asks, “Can I help?”

“Yeah,” Nursey says, turning to him. “You can tell Rans how you feel.”

Holster groans. “I _can’t_. Even if he and March aren’t getting back together--I mean I’m the one who kept the option open. He’d have to say something to me.”

“Or you could give it another shot before March muddles it up?” Nursey offers. “Dude, come on! It’s Ransom! Even if he doesn’t feel the same which--I’m still seriously doubting, Holtz--it’s not gonna ruin anything between you two if you’re honest about how you feel.”

Holster’s mouth tugs to the side. “I don’t know.”

“I know you’re scared dude,” Nursey says. “I get it. But he’s your best friend.”

Holster sighs. “Yeah.” He turns to Nursey. “Is Dex your best friend?”

Nursey hesitates. “I don’t know. But… the difference is that I think I would lose him if I told him. Like, seriously lose him. In all sense of the word. Dex can cut people out and I don’t…” he trails off, chest suddenly tight with anxiety. He doesn’t want to think about this anymore. “Could you stay for a bit?” he asks.

“Yeah bro, I’m in no rush to get back to the Haus.”

“Cool.” He feels twitchy. “We could watch ASMR,” Nursey offers.

“What’s ASMR?”

That’s how they end up, mostly naked, spooning in Nursey’s bed with a laptop between them.

Holster isn’t sold, really, so Nursey starts them on things like paint mixing and soap carving.

“It’s like, weirdly calming,” Holster says from his spot as big spoon, tucked behind Nursey. Things feel a little bit better now that some time has passed and he thinks he could fall asleep any second. “That’s the point?”

“Yeah,” Nursey says. “They help me with anxiety a fuck ton.”

“You feeling anxious?” Holster asks carefully.

“Not anymore.” Holster nods against him. “People either really love ASMR or really hate it,” Nursey carries on, signaling that he doesn’t want to talk about it any more than that.  

Holster gets him. “I feel very neutral so far,” he answers.

Nursey laughs. “Give it time.”

When Nursey wakes up a little bit later it’s because Holster’s on his way out.

“Sorry,” Holster whispers. “I was trying so hard not to wake you up.”

Nursey rubs at his eyes and shrugs, curling back into the warmth that Holster’s leaving behind. “S’chill,” he murmurs. “Practice still early?”

“Always, dude.”

“Fucking A.” Holster chuckles and Nursey’s surprised to find that he actually feels alright. He’s sure in the morning when the sun comes up he’ll feel even better. That’s the thing about problems, they’re always easier in the morning. “We’ll be okay,” Nursey murmurs.

He’s even more surprised when he feels Holster’s hand, gently brushing along his forehead. “We will,” he agrees softly.

Nursey’s asleep again maybe even before Holster actually leaves but it doesn’t last long. He wakes up to a knock on his door that sends his immediately into a panic as all knocks on the door while he is asleep do. He flies out of bed and forgoes pulling his sweats over his boxers and stumbles forward, remembering that Holster probably like _just_ left and forgot his wallet or something.

But then he yanks open the door and all bunches of anxiety inside of him disappear like a rush of air.

“Oh,” Nursey greets, eyes wide. Holster isn’t on the other side of the door, it’s Dex, and he looks like something out of a dream. “It’s you.”

* * *

Being around Holster and March at the same time always makes Ransom incredibly anxious.

Ransom is well aware that he invited Holster to stay but he was being civil. Having the two of them in the same room would’ve had him stupidly twitchy. Even the brief moment Holtz pops his head in to grab his bag has him weirdly tense.

March senses it immediately.

Once the stairs have gone quiet March asks, “So I guess you haven't told him?” Ransom exhales deeply and March puckers her lips just a little. “Justin,” she says gently. He groans. “At least tell me I’m not the only one who knows?”

Ransom and March seriously ended things because scheduling wasn’t working and they were feeling more out of sorts than not. But very shortly after that was when Ransom had his Revelation, and because they were still friendly and working together on class things sometimes March was still around. She’d only been teasing when she asked, “Have you told Adam you’re in love with him yet?” but Ransom had been in a weird place and told her most of what was going on in his head.

So his ex-girlfriend knows about his feelings for Holster while many of his closer friends do not. Things happen.

“My sisters know,” he murmurs, answering her question. Emma and Ava are also looped into the Justin Now Has Feelings For His Best Friend Club.

“No one on the team?”

“He’s the person I want to tell,” Justin explains, and March literally facepalms. “I know how that sounds,” Justin says. “But it’s complicated, and it’s scary, and I thought you were here for bio help.”

March huffs. “Love is much more pressing than bio. You need to be _brave_!”

Ransom eventually gets them on track again and March is long gone with a whole new set of very detailed flashcards by the time Holster gets back. Because Holster gets back _late_.

Ransom’s trying to sleep in his bunk when the steps finally creak the Holster makes his way in. He collapses on his mattress without ceremony and kicks off his shoes a second later.

“Holtz?” Ransom rasps.

“Mmm.”

He sounds tired. Almost like he’s basically asleep already. The kind of asleep where you’ve already been asleep before, recently.

Ransom doesn’t know what to say but what comes out is, “I miss you.”

Holster is so quiet that Ransom can barely hear him when he whispers, “I miss you too.” More than anything Ransom wants to throw himself over the side of his bunk and climb into bed with Holtz, but he’s frozen.

This is scary.

Feelings are _so scary_. And so hard. And so complicated.

“Adam,” Ransom tries again, knowing he has no plan.

And Holster’s, “ _Hmm_ ,” is softer still, closer to sleep. And then, like he’s hanging on, “Justin.”

He caves. “See you in the morning,” Ransom says.

 _Be brave_. Whatever.

Holster answers with a snore.

* * *

By the time the banquet that Dex is running tech for ends, he’s fucking exhausted. There’s literally no reason for him to be on his way to Nursey’s dorm. It’s stupid late and Dex knows they’re in college but they’ve got practice in the morning so it’s more likely than not that Nursey’s in his room at least getting ready for bed if not already asleep.

He should just go to bed himself. Being a student athlete while also working a part-time job for the school to make some money on the side is exhausting. But he’s going anyway. His brain operates differently when he’s tired and Nursey felt like a priority.

There aren’t too many people out but every time he passes someone Dex feels his face burn a little more, like they can see what he’s thinking and why he’s doing this, like they _know_. Their eyes always dart to what he’s carrying and that somehow makes it worse.

Soon enough he makes it to Nursey’s building. It’s not too far from Dex’s which is another reason he convinced himself it was fine that he had to double back to get to his place. He considers taking the stairs but he’s got this thing in his hands and it would be more effort than it’s worth and--

Someone catches Dex’s eye as he enters.

Dex does a double-take before shouting, “Holster!” Holster stops, spinning around in the lobby to find Dex’s voice. He was on his way out. “Hey,” he greets.

“Sup, Dex?”

“What’re you doing over here?” Dex asks, feeling… wrong. Something is wrong. Holster’s never over to the dorms. Why’s he in the lobby? “You go see Nurse?”

“Oh, yeah,” Holster answers. He looks tired, like maybe he was asleep. “I was just upstairs.”

It’s like, pretty late. Past midnight kind of late. “Is Nursey okay?”

“What? He’s fine,” Holster says with a laugh. “I just came to chill, Dex. Kinda like when you all come to the Haus?”

Dex frowns at him. “What happened at the Haus?”

“Ransom needed the room,” Holster says. Still, something about this feels weird. “Why’ve you got a vase of flowers?” he asks, looking to the whole reason he’s over at Nursey’s dorm in the first place. “You taking Nurse some flowers?”

Yes. Dex is taking Nursey flowers. That is the thing he is carrying. A literal vase of flowers.

Because Dex is an idiot.

Before Dex can stutter out some sort of excuse (it’s not like he expected to run into anyone else from the team on this late night adventure) Holster smiles, reaching up to rest his hand on Dex’s shoulder.

“It’s sweet, dude,” Holster says. That is, of course, not helpful. “See you nice and early, yeah?”

Fucking practice. He's never going to feel well-rested in his goddamn life. “Yeah,” Dex answers. “Night.”

Holster hurries out of the building and Dex finds that once he’s gone he hardly remembers that Holster was even there. His brain immediately returns to the fact that he is at Nursey’s building because he is taking him _flowers why is he doing this oh my God._

But like he’s already here, so he’s doing this.

There are a couple of kids in the common room of Nursey’s floor but no one looks up when Dex steps off the elevator. He takes the hall to Nursey’s room, twitching with nervous energy, and takes a deep breath.

“Fuck it,” he mutters.

Dex knocks.

It takes a moment for Nursey to answer. Dex belatedly remembers Ty, Nursey’s roommate, but Ty’s basically never home so it feels like a non-issue.

“Oh,” Nursey greets, eyes wide when he finally yanks open the door. “It’s you.”

He’s barely dressed. Nursey has boxers on but that’s it. “Who were you expecting?”

“Uhh--” Nursey shakes his head, eyes still wide. “Sorry, I was like. Way asleep.” He blinks a few times to wake himself up. “Are those flowers?”

“No,” Dex snaps, feeling defensive, before his face floods red and the shame seeps in. “Yes. Sorry.” He goes to leave. “It was stupid.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Nursey leans in and scoops the vase right out of his hands. “They’re radical,” Nursey breathes. He pulls it closer to study the flowers. “Where’d you get them? Are they..." He trails off and even though he knows what Nursey's going to ask, Dex feels it in his throat. "Are they for me?”

He steps backwards with the vase before Dex can snatch it back so Dex follows him into his room. As expected, Ty is not here. “The banquet I did tech for tonight had leftovers,” he murmurs. “Told people to take them. And you’re always talking about how your room needs more green, so.”

Nursey’s face is buried in the flowers now. “You’re amazing,” Nursey exhales, pulling up. “They’re beautiful, Dex.”

“I know it’s not a succulent or whatever I’m not stupid,” he mutters, crossing his arms over his chest as though that will stop him from burning. “And they’ll die in like, three days. But I figured they’ve still got time.”

“It’d be a waste to throw them out,” Nursey says, understanding. Dex doesn’t like to see things go to waste. “And I could press them,” Nursey adds, looking back up to Dex. “Got to use my textbooks for something, huh?”

“Yeah or you could read them,” Dex answers. He eases a little bit. Nursey's softer when he's sleepy so all of this is just a little muted. It won't be such a big deal this way, Dex thinks, which is probably better. “Sorry I didn’t text you back,” he says. “Someone got the flu so I had to go in last minute and it was fucking overwhelming.”

Nursey looks back down to the flowers and the tiny smile that forms on his face is nothing impressive but has Dex’s chest rumbling with heat. “It’s chill,” Nursey answers.

Dex rolls his eyes but his face is still hot. “I figured I could pick you up a coffee before practice tomorrow to make up for it,” he carries on, not quite looking at Nursey. “You still on that hazelnut kick or you want something else?”

But when Nursey doesn’t answer right away Dex has to look over at him anyway. His eyes are wide and soft and Dex burns red at once. He's been burning this whole time, wave of red after wave of red rushing over him like an ocean of heat that never lets up. He doesn’t deserve Nursey looking at him like that, like he’s something precious or someone kind. He readjusts his arms over his chest, holding himself tighter.

“You don’t have to get me anything,” Nursey says quietly. He turns away from Dex so he can set the vase on his windowsill. “Thanks for coming by, dude,” he pushes on, voice louder than before and something about it feels off completely. “I mean you could’ve just texted.”

Dex is a fucking idiot. Nursey’s kicking him out.

Why did he come here?

“Yeah, no,” he rushes. “Sorry to wake you up.” He takes a step back awkwardly and shakes his head. “Night, Nurse.”

“Dex!” Nursey calls after him before he can get too far down the hallway. “Let me know when you get to your dorm?” he asks. He’s lingering in his doorway half-dressed and it’s a look that Dex wants to imprint on his brain forever. He stares maybe a moment too long. “Yeah?”

“It’s like two minutes away.”

“Yeah but it’s late,” Nursey says. “Please?” Dex rolls his eyes but Nursey knows his answer, so he grins. “Night, Dexy.”

Dex decides to take the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator. Too much nervous energy.

Why the fuck did he take Nursey _flowers_? God, what an idiot. Stupid, stupid, stupid. And Nursey struggles waking up for practice anyway why didn’t Dex just let him sleep? If he’d thought about the consequences to his actions for once in his life he wouldn’t look like such a dildo in front of Nursey who--

 **Nursey  
**update???????

 **Dex**  
Nurse.  
I literally just walked out of your building.

 **Nursey**  
you FLED  
you didn’t have to leave dude  
i am always up for a sleepover

Dex glances up over his shoulder as though he’ll be able to tell which one is Nursey’s in the dark. His own building is seriously just a short walk away, just out of view of Nursey’s. Being out at night at Samwell doesn’t make Dex nervous.

Still his heart is racing in his chest.

 **Dex  
**I’ll keep that in mind.

 **Nursey**  
yessss dexy let’s have a sleepover  
finally let me read your cards and get inside that ginger head of yours

Dex slows down to a stroll and lets the cool night air settle something in him. They’re not _flirting_. This is Nursey being friendly, trying to rile Dex up. Which makes it easier for Dex to lean into it.

 **Dex  
**Your place or mine?

 **Nursey  
**don’t tease me like thissss it’s not fair

He can’t help but smile at the message.

 **Dex  
**Maybe if you get me really stoned I’ll do it

 **Nursey**  
sleepover?  
or tarot?

 **Dex  
**Both.

The lobby of his building is quiet when he enters which makes sense seeing as it’s so late. He has less nervous energy now so he decides to wait and presses the button for the elevator. He’s in one of Samwell’s older dorms, a discount dorm, so it takes a while for the machine to whirr to life.

 **Nursey**  
you’re describing a legitimate fantasy of mine  
you, me, hella weed  
my deck spread out between us  
it would be amazing  
i will make this happen

When he’s alone Dex doesn’t try to bite back his smiles. He lets this one take hold of him completely, shaking his head as he reads Nursey’s messages.

 **Dex**  
I’m in my building.  
Go back to sleep Nurse.

 **Nursey  
**room yet?

 **Dex  
**Not yet

The elevator dings and Dex steps on, only looking up from his phone to hit his floor number.

 **Nursey**  
don’t take the elevator  
you’ll get stuck  
and how am i supposed to save you with such little training in how to operate elevators

 **Dex**  
They only get stuck if they’re crowded  
I’m the only one of this one.

 **Nursey**  
YOU TOOK THE ELEVATOR  
DEXY  
MY SWEET DEX  
DO YOU NEED ME TO CALL 911

 **Dex  
**You are so fucking annoying

Still, Dex is smiling. He switches over to Snapchat and takes a video of the elevator doors opening on his floor before sending it away to Nursey and starting off for his room.

Nursey sends a dozen heart emojis that make Dex think he’s already mostly asleep again, but they warm him all the same. He creeps into his room trying not to wake his roommate but Pat’s browsing his phone in bed.

“You’re way late, dude,” his roommate greets.

“Wow, you sound genuinely concerned,” Dex returns.

Pat snorts. “Yeah, Will, almost called your Captains.”

He’s teasing, of course, but Dex’s mind darts back to Holster in an instant. What the fuck was he doing at Nursey’s dorm so late? They’re friends, Dex knows, but there’s something about seeing him there that makes his chest tight.

It isn’t until he’s in bed a few minutes later looking at another Snapchat from Nursey all snuggled under his blankets, cute as all fucking get out, does Dex consider maybe he’s just jealous. It’s an ugly feeling. Anger is familiar, at least, but jealousy is confusing and makes him feel like there’s something lodged in his chest constantly trying to get down to his stomach.

Not that he has anything to be jealous of. His brain is doing that stupid thing where it tells him he’s useless and everyone in Nursey’s life is better for Nursey in every way possible than Dex is.

But then Nursey texts him again.

 **Nursey**  
but like i actually want to do that with you dex  
it’d be fun

It makes Dex’s heart swell. Under his own covers he feels a little more brave.

 **Dex**  
You hog all the space when we have to share during roadies. I can’t even imagine you on one of these twin beds.

 **Nursey**  
it’s not hogging if ur snuggled together

 **Dex  
**I don’t snuggle

 **Nursey**  
don’t? or won’t?  
lemme hold you  
it’s real nice

Dex slides down farther under the covers and lets his face burn.

 **Dex**  
You ever think you’re touch starved?

 **Nursey**  
i’m always touch starved  
do you think you’re touch starved?

 **Dex  
**No.

 **Nursey**  
oh  
well  
you definitely are  
like even moreso than me  
way more  
when’s the last time someone hugged you?

 **Dex**  
I’m fine Nursey  
We play hockey.  
But you’re always touching people

 **Nursey**  
hockey =/= wrestling  
it’s not the same kind of touch  
i’m a touchy person i can’t help it!  
does it bother you?

Dex thinks about the feeling of Nursey’s big hand, firm against his back or resting on his shoulder. He thinks about last weekend when they smoked and Nursey started getting sleepy so he shifted closer, pressing his forehead to Dex’s chest as they laid side by side in Chowder’s bed. He thinks about all the times on the bus Nursey has fallen asleep against his arm after a long drive.

 **Dex  
**No it doesn’t bother me.

How could it? Dex craves every little moment like that with Nursey.

Nursey doesn’t respond so Dex thinks he must’ve fallen asleep, so after double checking his alarm is set Dex sets his phone aside to do the same.

* * *

In the morning, Nursey’s waiting outside of Dex’s dorm. To see his smile before the sunrise actually makes Dex dizzy.

“What are you doing here?” Dex asks.

For a moment Dex considers the possibility that he’s still asleep. That this is a dream. But the air is too crisp and Nursey is too beautiful for this to be anything but real.

Nursey opens his arms and strides forward, enveloping Dex in a hug before he can protest. Mostly asleep and caught feeling somewhere dreamy, Dex melts. He and Nursey are basically the same height, the same build, but the way that Nursey has his arms around Dex makes him feel completely held.

Dex can feel Nursey’s breath by his neck and it makes his heart beat faster in a way that doesn’t make him nervous. This is nice. He nuzzles closer and is pretty sure he can feel Nursey’s mouth curve into a smile--that’s how close he is. It’s incredible.

“Good morning,” Nursey whispers.

Neither of them move.

“I didn’t have time to get you coffee,” Dex murmurs. It’s easier to hold himself in this moment than he thought it would be.

Nursey chuckles. He’s the one who pulls back first. “We can go to Annie’s after practice,” he says as he does so, and Dex finds himself nodding even though he’s not sure of his schedule right away. It takes a moment for him to mentally confirm that he really does have the time, and it’s been a while since he’s been to Annie’s so he’s kind of looking forward to it all of a sudden. “And it’s caramel now.”

“Hm?” Dex has to reorient himself. “Your coffee kick,” he realizes. “No more hazelnut.”

“Don’t get me wrong,” Nursey starts as they fall into step together toward Faber. “I love hazelnut. But I got a caramel frappe the other day and have spiraled completely.”

“Noted,” Dex murmurs. “Still 80% creamer?”

Nursey laughs. “I do not use that much creamer.”

“Most of the coffees that I’ve gotten you I’ve just told them to fill the cup thing with whole milk, a pump of flavored syrup in whatever your current kick is, and then maybe like a  _sprinkle_ of actual coffee.”

Nursey nudges him, laughing again. “That is _not true_.”

Dex folds his arms over his chest because if his hand brushes Nursey’s one more time his heart is going to beat out of his chest. This morning feels precious and Dex doesn’t really know what to make of it.

“It’s completely true,” Dex says. “I could give you steamed milk with a dash of cinnamon and call it coffee and you’d have no idea.”

Nursey’s continuing laugh is so goddamn perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i did make holster say wingman in this fic what do you wanna do abt it other than cry HUH
> 
> yes i did maybe tear up at the idea of dex bringing nursey flowers who cares LET GUYS GIVE EACH OTHER FLOWERS
> 
> paint mixing and soap carving asmr is gateway asmr 
> 
> i JUST LOVE ALL THESE BOYS
> 
> that's not my name bc holster calls nursey rans lololl get it haha haah ahahah thanks


	4. who invited mashkov to the party?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack invites Mashkov to the kegster because no one ever thinks about Adam Birkholtz and the fact that he's In Love With HIs Best Friend who has a Giant Massive Crush on Mashkov but it's totally fine. Holster is a supportive bro. He'll wingman the shit out of Ransom. Also, Dex experiences gay panic in Chowder's room. Nursey and Holster do some shots. Who's going home with who?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends! sorry for the lag in update, my life uhhh kinda fell apart in a matter of weeks lol. i want to say you'll get another chapter soon because what better way to grieve the life you once knew than to escape to the realm of check please where i am the god of their drama! but honestly who knows. either way, it'll be out eventually, and i hope this one holds you over until then 
> 
> ps - i know little about the scheduling of kegsters/hockey games/when jack and tater could actually come visit. this is fic let me LIVE. also like, what season is this taking place? winter? spring? i have little to no clue sorry folks 
> 
> pss - i realized that chowder would be living in the haus by now so i tweaked last chapter a little (big whoops @ me) but it affects the plot in no real way anyway

Holster misses Ransom’s first text because he’s hooking up with Nursey.

It’s convenient that Nursey’s roommate is like _never there_ because it’s super easy to have sex in Nursey’s dorm then. It’s Friday afternoon and Holster got out of class early and the sun is shining and Nursey called to see what he was doing.

But now they’re finished, Nursey out of bed first. Holster’s scrolling through his phone now in just his boxers and Ransom’s message is there and he’s immediately annoyed.

 **Ransom  
**Jack’s bringing MASHKOV TO THE KEGSTER

Holster gets hit on the head with his shirt and he looks up from where he’s sitting, perched on the edge of Nursey’s bed, to find Nursey with his eyes narrowed. “What’s wrong with you?” Nursey asks.

Holster rolls his eyes. “Nothing.”

“Uh-huh, believable.”

“Jack’s bringing Mashkov tonight.”

Nursey’s face lights up the same way Holster imagines Ransom’s did when Jack told him the same thing. “OH FUCK YES.”

Holster suppresses his groan but can’t stop himself from rolling his eyes again. Mashkov’s _fine_. He’s plenty nice and pretty funny and okay whatever the dude’s super hot. But he was Ransom’s celeb crush way before Jack even considered signing with the Falcs so the fact that the universe is bending over backwards to send the Russian into Ransom’s arms is completely unfair.

“Great,” Holster mutters, “You can have him.”

Nursey frowns at once. “What’s this that’s happening? This attitude thing?”

Holster groans anyway. “Ransom’s bi,” he explains, slipping on his shirt. “Right? But his preference is women. Which is fine!” Nursey tosses him his sweats and he stands to tug them on too. “It’s just when he starts talking about dudes I get all.”

Eugh.

Like. What does Mashkov have that Holster doesn’t? They are both tall. They both play hockey. They are both loud. They are both hot. It’s not that Ransom isn’t into blondes - March is blonde! Maybe Holster’s teeth are too big? 

“Jealous?” Nursey offers.

“Pfft.” Holster scoffs. “Yes.” Nursey loses it while Holster finishes getting re-dressed. “I can’t help it! I don’t know how to turn it off. Like I know Mashkov’s a good guy. Jack wouldn’t be so tight with him if not. And yet.”

“Here’s an idea,” Nursey says, crossing his room to open up a window. It’s a nice afternoon and letting in some air will be nice. “Why don’t you ask Rans what he likes about Tater. And then be like, wow did you know I also have those things? And also we have this deep emotional connection that has entwined our souls? And I’m in love with you so we should be together?”

Holster scoffs again. “Alright sure,” he says. There's something about nice weather that makes him say stupid optimistic things. “I’ll say something to Rans if you say something to Dex.”

“Define: _something_.”

Holster gestures vaguely. “I don’t know, dude. Make a move.” Nursey purses his lips before Holster grabs his bag from the floor. “You are well aware that Poindexter brought you _flowers_ last week,” Holster says. “Right? Come on, Nursey, that’s not normal friend shit.”

Nursey visibly tenses. They never talked about that. “Sorry?”

“I saw Dex in the lobby on my way out,” Holster explains. “The day he brought them.” Besides, the vase is still there. The flowers are gone now but Holster had seen them a few times before Nursey probably decided to press them or something. “Supes normal, Dex bringing literally anyone _flowers_.” Nursey looks at him for a second before reaching for his phone on his bedside table. Something in Holster’s chest spikes. “What are you doing?” he asks.

“Something,” he answers. He taps something before holding his phone up to his ear. His face is tense with a look that Holster doesn’t normally see--actual nerves. Dex must answer because Holster hears a quiet murmur before Nursey responds. “Aw, it’s nice to hear your voice too,” Nursey answers, and the nerves are gone in an instant. He’s soft in ways that Holster isn’t used to seeing.

Holster’s been watching Nursey and Dex in his spare time (practices and team breakfasts, mostly) and he is thoroughly convinced that the two of them could be legitimately good together. Nursey’s way gone for him. It’s cute to see it now, the easy smile on Nursey’s face at just hearing Dex’s voice.

“Ty’s gone this weekend,” Nursey carries on. “Smoke with me.” Holster leans back against the wall, an eyebrow arched as he watches Nursey work his magic. He’s a surprisingly smooth guy, for as un-chill as he really is. Nursey has a way of speaking that gets him what he wants, but only when the stars align. Like the night they hooked up. Or right now. “I’ll read your cards too. You said we could.”

Holster’s other eyebrow climbs up his forehead. “Oh did he?” he asks.

Nursey finally looks up, glaring daggers in Holster’s direction. It takes everything Holster has to not erupt with laughter.

Dex must say something because Nursey smiles again a moment later, back to that soft look he had before. “Yeah,” he says gently. “That’s chill. Okay, see ya.” Nursey hangs up and does a mock bow. “Your turn,” he says.

“You and Dexy gonna smoke and snuggle?”

“Only in my dreams,” Nursey answers. “But I’ve wanted to read his cards for a while and he said if I got him super stoned maybe I could, so I’ve been working on it.” He looks very pleased with himself. “Your turn,” he says again. “With Ransom.”

“Oh--fuck, Nursey, no way.”

“You said you would!”

“There were no handshakes or legal documents signed,” Holster says, voice tight. Nursey doesn’t even look angry, just smug. “Well what do you want me to say?” Holster tosses back.

“Fuck if I know. You two probably smoke and snuggle all the time anyway.” Holster’s ears burn in response and Nursey’s following grin just makes it worse. “You’re fucking ridiculous.”

“Goodbye,” Holster says, because he is not doing this.

Nursey’s laughter follows him out the door.

* * *

Alexei Mashkov is very beautiful.

It is not fair.

What is even more not fair is that he and Jack show up before Holster gets back from wherever he is and Ransom has to interact with them _without him_.

There are the hugs because it’s been such a long time since anyone’s seen Jack and then the formal introductions but Ransom is struggling to do a lot of actual interacting. Eventually Chowder takes to Jack and Lardo takes to Mashkov and Ransom takes a backseat to his own life and just watches it unfold in front of him.

Holster appears without fanfare, which is unlike Holster. He slips back toward the kitchen as though he’s trying not to be noticed by everyone lingering in the living room but Ransom sees him anyway, always, and watches until he looks up and they make eye contact.

Holster tips his head to the side, toward the back door, and Ransom nods to show he understands. They meet outside a few seconds later.

“Here,” Holster says as Ransom pulls the door shut behind him. When Ransom turns back to Holster he’s got a joint in one hand and a pack of Twizzlers in the other. “Which do you want first?”

Ransom grabs the Twizzlers. “Light that,” he says, tipping his head toward the joint. Holster smirks and gets his lighter from his pocket. “Why?” Ransom asks.

“You are _freaking out_ ,” Holster answers. Ransom shoves a few Twizzlers into his mouth while Holtz gets the joint going but even the smell of weed has him like, six degrees more relaxed. Watching Holster exhale smoke is soothing in a different type of way. “He’s just some beautiful Russian hockey player,” Holster says as he passes it over. Ransom takes the joint with a frown. “You’re a beautiful Canadian hockey player,” Holster says. “Roll with it.”

Ransom almost coughs out his hit. “I’m not _rolling_ with anything,” he mutters. “I’m not like-- _doing_ that.”

“Flirting with Mashkov?”

“Yeah _no way_.”

Holster takes the joint back. “Cuz of March,” he says.

Ransom startles. “What?”

“What?” Holster echoes.

“Why would March have anything to do with anything?” Ransom rushes. Holster blinks a few times, his eyebrows pulling together for just a moment, before he shakes his head a little. “...Holtz?”

“She’s been over more lately,” Holster says with a shrug after exhaling his pull. “I just figured--”

“You figured I wouldn’t tell you if I was hooking up with March again? Or interested in dating her?” Holster remains quiet. “Dude!”

“I don’t know! What else do you expect me to think when she’s over twice a week?”

“I expect you to ask me instead of making assumptions,” Ransom tosses back, grabbing the joint back. Holster holds his hands up in surrender. “We tell each other shit like that,” Ransom reminds him.

“Yeah, yeah.” Holster snatches another Twizzler but won’t meet Ransom’s eyes.

Maybe he’s embarrassed.

“I told you nothing was going on with us,” Ransom says.

“Okay,” Holster says, mouth full of Twizzler. “Nothing’s going on with you two. So then what’s the issue with Mashkov? You’re not out of his league.”

“Please don’t start,” Ransom hurries.

“You’re hot as fuck, Rans. You’re super talented. You’re insanely smart.” Holster’s listing these things off like he’s made a list beforehand and is just reciting it over again, which can’t be true. It’s a great subject change because he isn’t thinking about the weirdness of Holster bringing up March anymore. “You’re funny, you’re kind, you’re a catch.”

“I’m not flirting with Tater,” Ransom says again, tight. Holster returns the joint to him. “I can’t even _talk_ to him!” He takes a long hit and Holster watches the entire time, Ransom can feel his eyes on him. “I just need to chill out. How do you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Just--talk to him.”

“It’s like talking to Jack,” Holster says. Not really. Ransom’s not stupid attracted to Jack like he is with Tater. “He’s just another dude,” Holster tells him.

“Okay fine,” Ransom tries. “How would you feel if your celebrity crush started hanging out with the group? You could just talk to them like normal?”

“I don’t have a celebrity crush,” Holster says. Which is such. A. Lie!

“You are so stupid. Yes you do! Literally everyone has celebrity crushes.” Ransom takes another hit. “Khaleesi. Game of Thrones.”

“You didn’t have to say _Game of Thrones_ after you said Khaleesi, dude,” Holster says, but he’s smiling in a way that sends Mashkov out of his head in an instant. “And that is _so different_! If Khaleesi walked in with her motherfucking dragons that is nothing comparable to a loud Russian who is totally _in your league_.”

Ransom huffs. He watches Holster eat one of the Twizzlers before Ransom passes the joint over to him.

“I meant Emilia Clarke,” Ransom tells him.

“Either way,” Holster says with his exhale of smoke, “doesn’t matter.” He passes it back again. “Let me go in and say hey.”

Ransom watches Holster slip back inside and then, loud as can be, greet Jack like he’d probably wanted to the first time he passed through. Ransom leans back against the Haus as he finishes the joint, thinking about how much Holster is just _the best_. The weed is calming but the Twizzlers were a nice touch.

When Holtz gets back Ransom says, “It’s not because I want to _get_ with him.”

The joint’s dead but Holster steals a Twizzler. “Are you not attracted to him?” Holster asks.

“Literally everyone is attracted to Alexei Mashkov,” Ransom answers, but Holster rolls his eyes. “Don’t even start,” Ransom says. Tall and strong with dreamy eyes and a way of skating that makes Ransom’s mouth water. “He’s hot, Holtz.”

“Sure.”

“I’m just nervous! He’s crazy talented! You’ve seen him play!”

“I’ve seen you play,” Holster counters. “Want to know who else is crazy talented?” he asks. After a pause he adds, “And hot?”

“ _Stop_ Holtz.”

“I’m nothing if not a good wingman.” Ransom groans, but Holster’s smile finally returns. With his high really starting to set in, Ransom has to force himself to look away. “Okay, you don’t want to _get with him_ ,” Holster repeats, still smiling. “You just want to talk to him. Come up with bullet points of what you want to say. Take a shot.” Holster rests his hand on Ransom’s shoulder. “You got this, bro.”

“You’re my favorite,” Ransom rasps.

There aren’t any other words for it.

Holster squeezes his shoulder. “You’re my favorite too,” he says warmly. “Let’s get back in there, yeah?”

* * *

Dex almost ignores the buzzing in his pocket but it keeps humming, which means it’s a call, and when he pulls it out to check, seeing that it’s Nursey makes him worry because everyone knows Nursey only calls if it’s important.

Still he can’t let Nursey _know_ that he’s worried.

“What do you want?” he answers gruffly, trying to keep his voice down. He’s pretty quiet for the library but Chowder looks over at him anyway, eyebrow arched.

“Aw, it’s nice to hear your voice too,” Nursey says, and Dex can hear him smiling. His face feels warm and he ducks his head, ignoring the way Chowder’s other eyebrow climbs up his forehead as well. “Ty’s gone this weekend. Smoke with me. I’ll read your cards too. You said we could.”

Dex is overwhelmed.

“Kegster tonight,” he manages, still struggling to keep his voice down. “Depends on how that goes.”

“Yeah,” Nursey says gently. He isn’t going to push, and there’s something about Nursey finally having learned when and when not to chirp him that makes Dex’s heart ache inside of his chest. “That’s chill.”

“I’ll see you there?” Dex offers.

“Okay, see ya.”

When Dex hangs up, Chowder is still watching him. “You’re blushing,” Chowder says.

“Fuck off.”

“Who was that?”

“It was just Nursey, Chowder,” Dex mutters, returning to his computer. “He wants to read my cards.”

“And you said yes?”

“I said maybe.”

“Huh.” Dex looks up at him, narrowing his eyes, but Chowder’s already back to work. He’s a faster typer than Dex but sometimes it feels like Chowder’s literally just slamming his fingers into the keyboard to make it seem like he’s speed writing code. “Have you gotten your cards read before?” he asks, eyes darting up just for a second.

“I think you know the answer to that.”

Chowder smiles a little bit but keeps his eyes on his screen. “It’s cool that Nursey’ll be your first read then.”

Dex doesn’t know why this makes him uncomfortable all of a sudden.

Chowder and Nursey are similar in ways that Dex can never understand and he likes to blame this on being raised in Middle of Nowhere Maine. Chowder coming from California, Nursey from New York, they both have this energy about them that Dex just can’t embody himself without feeling like a fraud. It’s more vibrant and more open and more wonderful than Dex thinks he’ll ever be able to reach. They come from colorful and loving homes, diverse environments that encouraged them to thrive.

They smoke weed like it’s no big deal and are openly queer and challenge toxic masculinity and read fucking tarot and if Chowder and Farmer weren’t together, Dex is convinced that Chowder and Nursey would be a power couple. Romantic feelings aside, Dex feels like there’s parts of the two of them that he’ll never relate to. They’re closer in ways he can only ever hope for.

Dex looks down at his computer but none of the code on his screen seems to be making sense anymore.

Maybe he won’t get his cards read tonight. Maybe he won’t talk to Nursey at all.

* * *

Nursey’s late for the kegster, like usual, and it’s more packed than he expects it to be upon arrival. He shoots off a text to his group chat but neither Dex or Chowder respond so he elbows his way in to find a familiar face.

He sees Lardo and Shitty (!! since when was Shitty coming?!) in the kitchen laughing about something and Bitty practically sitting on Jack’s lap (who is wearing a baseball cap and Not Very Hidden but it’s chill) but it’s hard to cross the room to any of them.

“Nurse!” He turns at the sound of Ransom’s voice and almost walks directly into him because of how crowded it is. “Hey! Holtzy was looking for you earlier,” Ransom greets.

“He say what for?” Nursey asks. He hasn’t gotten any texts and Holster knows Nursey (might) have plans later so tonight their arrangement is on hold. Unless Dex bails? Then Nursey could maybe go for sex. But Dex didn’t actually _agree_ either, so...

“Don’t think so,” Ransom says. “I fled because reasons.”

“Because Tater?” Nursey teases.

Ransom groans and Nursey lets his smile grow. “It’s not like that,” Ransom insists, and Nursey believes him. Because just like he knows Holster’s in love with Ransom, he’s pretty sure Ransom’s in love with Holster. “You admire a dude because of his skill and he also happens to be hot and then it becomes a whole mess of struggling to interact.”

“But you talk to Holster just fine,” Nursey teases again. Ransom’s lips part in surprise but Nursey rests his hand on Ransom’s shoulder and squeezes, quick. Holster would seriously kill him for the chirping. “I’m kidding.”

Ransom shakes his head like he’s putting himself back in his body. “You’re funny, Nurse,” Ransom says, leaning into it. The exact same thing Nursey would do if someone teased him about having feelings for Dex, so Nursey’s theory of Ransom Loving Holster continues to be stacked with so much goddamn evidence. “It’s been a while since we hung out just the two of us,” Ransom says. “We should go to Jerry’s sometime or something.”

“That’s legit,” Nursey says.

“I’ll text you when I’m free?”

“Sure thing, Mr. Graduating Senior.”

“Please don’t remind me,” Ransom exhales.

“Remind you about what?” Holster asks, never too far from Ransom afterall. He looks to Nursey like he’s asking a question but Nursey keeps his mouth shut. He is an innocent dude who is just here, minding his own business. “Hey Nurse.”

“Holtzy,” Nursey greets. “Heard you were looking for me.”

Holster looks to Ransom before looking back to Nursey. “Later,” Holster says. “Can you stop fleeing every time Mashkov’s within earshot?” he asks Ransom.

“Absolutely not,” Ransom answers.

Holster looks exasperated but also so fond and Nursey ducks his head so neither of them see his smile. “What if we play him and Lards in beer pong?” Holster asks, voice a touch softer. “You get more alcohol, see that he sucks at beer pong, easy peasy.”

“He sucks at beer pong?” Nursey asks. Holster shoots him a look that says _I have no idea_ and Nursey clamps his mouth shut. “I think that’s a stellar idea, Rans,” Nursey says. “In fact, why don’t we all go get some more alcohol and then you two play Tater and Lardo and _I_ go find…”

“Dex?” Holster offers.

Ransom lights up and says, “Oh, I just saw him!” He spins and stumbles a little, which makes Nursey think maybe he’s a little drunk already. It takes a lot of drinks to get Ransom to lose his easy grace. “Talking to… some dude from the swim team maybe?”

“I was actually looking for Shitty,” Nursey says with a smirk, ignoring Holster’s curiously raised eyebrow. “But thanks, Rans.”

“We’re going,” Holster says, winding his arms around Ransom’s waist and tugging him backwards. “Seriously. This will be good!”

“Ugh. Fine!”

Holster winks at Nursey before he and Ransom disappear back into the party.

Nursey does want to find Dex though. Ransom mentioned that he’d been chatting with someone from the swim team but Nursey isn’t sure that Dex actually _knows_ anyone from the swim team, which is weird.

He elbows his way through the crowd to get a drink and say his hellos, he shimmys a little on the dance floor, and he keeps looking for Dex. He sends the group text another message but still nothing.

Eventually he runs into Shitty which is a good enough distraction. He and Shitty still text all the time--that Andover Experience will forever keep them in one another’s lives--but it’s nice to see him in person. Nursey teases him about law school and Shitty chirps him about being an English major and when Nursey sees Dex out of the corner of his eye, hurrying up the stairs faster than he’s ever been on the ice, he stays put.

“All I’m saying,” Shitty continues, pulling Nursey’s attention back to their conversation. “You’re great at bibliographies. Lardo is not.”

“I’ll definitely offer,” Nursey tells him. Shitty smiles gratefully but Nursey can’t help but shake his head a little. All these big hockey dudes are stupid in love and so bad at hiding it. “She could’ve asked me herself.”

“She never will,” Shitty says. “And I’m trying to get you some dibs here, brah.”

“Much appreciated,” Nursey returns, but he'd probably do it without an offer of dibs because there is something  _fine_ about a nicely done bibliography. 

When Bitty comes through a little bit later and asks if anyone’s seen Dex, Nursey mentions what he saw as casually as he can.

Shitty still notices. He does it in a very subtle way, and Shitty’s only subtle when he thinks it might be serious. “Dex okay?” Shitty asks.

“I’d assume so,” Nursey answer. “But I haven’t talked to him tonight so maybe not.”

“You two get on a lot better than last year,” he notes, and Nursey nods. “You can see it on the ice too.”

They didn’t get a lot of time to play in their game last week but when they did play it was fun and when they returned to the bench, Dex yanked his helmet off and was grinning from ear to ear. Even the memory of it makes Nursey smile.

Shitty smiles too, but doesn’t say anything else. Maybe he’s just happy that they’re getting along.

When they hear a whooping from the living room Shitty reaches out, patting Nursey’s shoulder, and says, “I gotta go find Lards. Maybe you should check on Dex.”

They’ll talk about it later, maybe.

But yeah. Nursey really should find Dex.

* * *

They don’t win beer pong against Lardo and Mashkov but that’s because Lardo carries Mashkov on her back the whole time. She’s incredible and it’s super unfair but it’s lax enough that Ransom finally stop tensing up whenever he hears Mashkov speak. Smoking earlier helped, Holster’s sure, and all the alcohol Ransom’s consumed thus far.

Holster feels lighter tonight. It’s a stark contrast to the last party. Even though they didn’t play today their last game was a win and ever since then has Holster feeling a bit more like himself again. Having Ransom by his side makes everything better too. He hasn’t had as much to drink as Ransom but his muscles are loose. Jack and Shitty are here which is amazing and even though they’re with Mashkov but they’re all somewhere else now, celebratory shots from the beer pong win maybe, and Ransom’s smiling at him like Holster’s the only reason for it.  

Holster lets himself believe that he’s the only reason for it. What harm could it cause?

“What’re you thinking about?” Ransom asks.

Holster shouldn’t lie. “You,” he says. After a beat he adds, “Our last game.”

“The beer pong one?”

“No, the hockey one.”

Ransom’s smile doesn’t go anywhere. “What about it?”

“I just feel… better,” Holster tells him. He doesn’t know how to elaborate. In some ways that night when he was alone and they’d lost had felt like the end of the world. Holster had been hopeless and tired and lonely. But tonight all of his people are here, Ransom the most important, and the energy is insanely different. Wanting to be a least a little brave (he can’t let Nursey be more smooth than him, seriously?) he quietly adds, “I’m happy you’re here.”

Ransom reaches out and grabs his wrist, and Holster lets himself be dragged down the hallway to a quieter space, smiling all the way

“I told you that we’re better together,” Ransom tells him when they finally end up by themselves. Not that they’re really by themselves at a party like this, but it definitely is quieter here.

“Not at beer pong,” Holster says.

“We’re great at beer pong. Lards is just a pong witch.” Holster snorts and Ransom takes a step closer. He swings back to the topic that Holster tried to veer them off of. “Without your rally toward the end of that hockey game Holtzy, we could’ve lost it again.”

The alcohol makes his mouth run. “I couldn’t let you down a second time,” he says.

Ransom shakes his head, laughing a little. “Bro, you didn’t let me down a first time.” Holster rolls his eyes but Ransom grabs the front of his shirt and holds tight. “Adam,” he says clearly. “You have never let me down. Enough, eh?”

Ransom is so good at making Holster feel less broken. He reaches up, holding his hands over Ransom’s on his shirt, and smiles.

“Alright Ransy,” he answers. Ransom smiles too but doesn’t move, their hands still overlapped, the two of them close in the hallway. “You played great that night,” Holster tells him, voice going softer. Their first time back on the ice together was fucking brilliant. Every pass connected and Ransom skated like there was fire beneath his blades. “I mean you always do but sometimes I’m just overwhelmed by you.”

“If anyone’s overwhelming it’s you,” Ransom returns. “I still don’t know why you won’t take up Jack’s offers on looking into going pro.”

“Oh, me?” Holster rolls his eyes and takes a step that puts him closer. “Shut up. You know that I don’t want to,” Holster says. They have this conversation weekly, it feels like. Two captains constantly complimenting each other. “Besides, I could never find another partner like you.”

They know each other in the dark with their eyes closed. Ransom knows what Holster’s going to do before Holster knows himself, already ready to act. That on-ice chemistry is hard to find sometimes, but with someone like Ransom, Holster knows he’s never going to be that lucky again.

“You could make it work,” Ransom says.

“It would never be good enough.” What he has with Ransom is magic. In a million ways, but especially on the ice. “What’s with you?” Holster teases. "Trying to get back at me for hyping you up earlier?" 

“Can’t I just love you?” Ransom chirps back. It makes Holster all kinds of warm.

He tugs Ransom toward him at once, winding his arms around him and pulling him close. “Course,” Holster murmurs.

Ransom winds his arms around Holster and the party around them falls away. Holster could live in this moment forever. Ransom’s hand against his back, Ransom’s lips against his neck.

“Cool,” Ransom whispers. “Cuz I… love you Holtzy.”

“I love you too, Rans.” So much. _So much_. And that’s why this is so fucking painful all the time. “You’re my best friend,” Holster says.

Ransom pulls back, shaking his head a little. “I can’t imagine my life without you,” he responds.

Holster’s stomach twists with the desire to kiss him. It could be so _easy_. His eyes drop to Ransom’s mouth and he thinks about the kegster where they _did_ kiss, sloppy and wet and so seriously wonderful. He forces his eyes back up and manages a smile.

He can’t tell Ransom how he feels, he _can’t_. It doesn’t matter if Nursey thinks there’s something between them. He can’t handle the risk of living in a world where Ransom isn’t in his life because of the outcome. No matter how this feels now, these traded looks and whispered promises of forever--if Ransom doesn’t feel the same then all of this means nothing. And Holster can’t bare the thought of that.

“Good thing I’m not going anywhere,” Holster tells him.

This is when Mashkov interrupts, of course.

* * *

Dex has spent a majority of his time at the party hiding in Chowder’s room.

He spotted Mason Richardson like five minutes after arriving and didn’t know what else to do other than hide.

Or rather--he spotted Mason, fled to the kitchen for a shot, ran into Mason on the way out of the kitchen, and was forced to make idle small talk with him for a few minutes before he could slip away unnoticed.

So Dex is a giant coward, big fucking deal.

But Mason Richardson is the swim team guy that he traded handjobs with after last year’s Winter Screw and Dex is just not in any mental state to deal with that at all. After it happened Dex _freaked_ out and Mason swore he wouldn’t say anything, but that doesn’t mean he still won’t. And he was pleasant tonight, kind, introducing Dex to the guy he brought with him, but--nope.

That night Dex had been drunk and lonely and wanted to try being someone different and he hated it. It wasn’t him at all and was honestly very confusing for his identity crisis. Not that Mason was awful, he’s a great guy. Great to look at too, with soft blond hair and gentle blue eyes. But he can’t face him again, not tonight. Not ever again, probably.

Bitty’s the first one to find him.

“You can’t hide in here all night,” Bitty says upon entering, like he knew beforehand that Dex had come up here to hide. “I saw Mason and then immediately realized you were missing.”

“How did you find me?” Dex mutters. The party's packed, it's not like Bitty could do one quick glance and realize Dex was MIA. 

“Nursey said he saw you slip upstairs,” Bitty answers, “and you weren’t in my room so I thought maybe you’d be here.” He crosses the room to Chowder’s bed but Dex doesn’t move from where he’s sprawled out. Still, Bitty sits on the edge carefully. “You can’t let one guy force you to hide in Chowder’s room all night,” he says gently.

“He didn’t force me to do anything,” Dex says, then winces. “Ever,” he stresses.

“No honey, I know.”

Dex groans. He hadn’t been prepared to come out to Bitty but toward the end of the semester last year Dex was acting weird about events where all the athletes would be there, and while the two of them made cookies in the kitchen he confessed the whole story. It was a relief, putting it out there, and Bitty listened thoughtfully and said all of the right, supportive things. But Dex hadn’t really been ready for it.

He’s still not ready.

“This is exhausting,” Dex whispers, but it’s more raspy than anything else.

“Lemme bring you some tub juice,” Bitty offers. “Hm? Would that help?”

Dex doesn’t respond but Bitty hops off the bed and rushes to get him some tub juice anyway. He manages to sit up by the time Bitty returns, but his chest keeps squeezing tighter and tighter.

Bitty passes him the plastic cup and Dex takes a long drink. It’s nice tub juice. Shitty’s here, he saw briefly before fleeing, so of course it’s classically strong. When he sets his cup down, Bitty’s standing in front of him, looking a little less sad than before.

“We ready to go back down?” he asks.

Dex exhales. “Not really.”

“Great!” Bitty holds out his hand and Dex accepts it. He can’t say no to Bitty. “Because Chowder needs his room.”

Dex’s eyebrows furrow a little in confusion but Bitty tugs him out of Chowder’s room, and in the hallway are Chowder and Farmer both looking very concerned. Not because of Dex though, but rather Farmer is texting rapidly and Chowder is looking over her shoulder while chewing on his cheek.

“Chris?” Dex asks.

Chowder looks up at Dex and ushers Farmer into the room with one hand. “Cait’s sister borrowed their dad’s car and got into an accident,” he says in a rush.

“You should’ve fucking kicked me out of your room,” Dex responds.

“Bitty stopped us right before we got here,” Chowder returns, shaking his head a little. “It was like a second wait.” His smile returns, mostly hesitant. “What’s mine is yours, dude. You okay?”

“Take care of Farmer,” Dex answers. Chowder nods once before following Farmer into his room and shutting the door behind them.

When Dex turns back to Bitty, he’s smiling softly. “There’s a swim meet in the morning,” he says as they start for the stairs together. “The whole swim team skedaddled about fifteen minutes ago.”

“You should’ve led with that,” Dex mutters.

* * *

The next time Nursey sees Dex, he’s doing a shot with Bitty in the kitchen. He prepares to wedge his way through the crowd when Holster strides past him with some sort of hopeless look on his face. All Nursey wants to do is to _actually_ talk to Dex but with a deep breath he steers himself in Holster’s direction.

“Holtz,” Nursey murmurs. He grabs Holster’s wrist and tugs him around so he has to look at him.

“I can’t.”

Nursey sighs, leaning in to rest his forehead against Holster’s shoulder. He doesn't need to elaborate. He can't do his  _something_ , he can't make his move. 

“How’s he been with Tater?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Holster says, glancing over his shoulder toward where Ransom must still be. If he listens hard enough he can hear Ransom and Mashkov’s laughter carry over the music. “What I have with him is enough.”

Nursey pulls back in a rush, already shaking his head. “You want so much more than that,” Nursey says. “And dude,” he urges, “you deserve it.”

“Look,” Holster says tiredly. “I love him. And he loves me. And we’re always going to have each other but it’s not going to be more than what it is now. Tonight made that even more clear for me, okay? And it’s fine.”

It’s not fine. Holster sounds like an idiot.

“You’re being stupid,” Nursey says.

“I’m being an adult,” Holster tosses back, and he almost sounds angry. “You think I want this?”

“You seem really keen to settle for it, yeah.”

“It’s not settling!” His voice is a touch too angry for a party and people nearby look over, including Dex who’s now left the kitchen, and when Nursey meets his eyes Dex almost looks concerned. “It’s not settling,” he repeats, a touch softer but still just as pissed. But his voice shakes when he adds, “This is _hard_ , Derek.”

Holster’s scared out of his fucking mind.

Nursey exhales. He rests his hand gently on Holster’s arm. “C’mon,” he says. “Let’s do a shot.” Holster nods at once and Nursey hurries him into the kitchen as quickly as he can. He digs through the freezer to find something stashed in the back and pours them both shots while Holster waits. “One for you,” Nursey says, offering him the glass, “and one for me.”

“Cheers,” Holster mutters. They clink the shot glasses before knocking it back--Fireball, at least it’s chilled--before setting them in the sink. “I’m sorry,” Holster says after a moment.

Nursey’s throat is burning from the shot. It eases into his chest and makes his whole body feel warm. “For?”

“Snapping at you.”

“Yeah,” Nursey says, elbowing him a little. “Save it for practice?”

Holster offers him a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I know this is shit for you too.”

Nursey almost laughs. What Holster and Ransom are doing is not _nearly_ as difficult as the pond of filth that Nursey wades into for Dex every fucking chance he gets. But he’s not in this for a fight tonight.

In fact, he looks back to Holster and lets himself ache for a moment.

Holster’s objectively hot. Nursey likes having sex with him. But it’s more than just physical things--Holster’s a good dude. Like, genuinely.

He can make Nursey laugh and he’s seriously kind and there’s something about being with him that makes Nursey feel a little less broken sometimes.

* * *

There’s something sad in Nursey’s eyes that Holster doesn’t like to see. They hold one another’s gaze for a moment before he looks down, back to the sink where they just placed their shot glasses, and then Nursey shakes his head.

“Do you think we could ever fall in love?” Nursey wonders softly. “You and me, I mean. With each other.”

For a moment his stomach turns. Has he been leading Nursey on? No, right? Because he’s stupidly in love with Ransom and has made that explicitly clear?

“No, I got that,” Holster finally answers with a little laugh. Still, Nursey’s eyebrows stay furrowed, his eyes distant. “We said no strings.”

“Humor me.”

“I don’t know,” Holster admits.

He _loves_ Ransom. He knows that he’s always going to love Ransom but at what point does he give that up? When does he make an effort to love someone else? Tonight he told Nursey that what he has with Ransom is enough--but is it? When will Holster want to hold hands with someone and have it mean more than just the physical touch? How long is he going to let Ransom’s words and smiles fuel him forward if he knows there’s nothing romantic behind them?

He can spend his life quietly loving Ransom, but if Ransom never loves him back then Holster knows there has to be someone else. They can act like they're dating in everyone's eyes all they want, but they're not. 

Holster just wishes it was that simple.

“Maybe,” he finally says. Holster could love Nursey, he thinks. “It’d be different,” he carries on. Nursey and Ransom are similar in some ways, but different in so many more. “But I guess love always is, huh?”

Nursey’s eyes ease back into focus and he exhales a short laugh. “Damn, Holtz. That was poetic.” Holster rolls his eyes but at least Nursey’s smiling now. “One more shot?”

“One more shot,” Holster agrees.

* * *

By the time Dex finally finds Nursey, he’s convinced himself that Nursey is going to be partied out.

Dex is partied out and it’s not even midnight.

He’s more relieved than he expects to be when he actually gets that moment alone with Nursey. Things have been hectic and the whole night has felt strange. Being next to Nursey calms something in him.

“There you are,” Dex exhales. Nursey smiles at him and it’s so soft and brilliant that it makes Dex’s entire chest constrict. They settle back against the wall, out of the chaos of the hallway in a space that’s quiet enough for the both of them. “Looked like Holtz was pissed earlier?” he asks.

He can’t get hung up on something as simple as a smile.

“He’s fine,” Nursey answers, waving his hand. “Holtz gets in his own head and then overthinks stupid shit that doesn’t need to be over thought and goes spiraling.”

Dex snorts. “Sounds like you,” he says.

Nursey must be more drunk than Dex expects because he bursts into laughter. “You’ve got no fucking idea the shit he and I have in common.”

Not just Nursey and Chowder to fill the anxiety bubble in Dex’s mind, then, but Nursey and Holster too. With this his mind darts back to a couple of weeks ago, when he’d seen Holster in Nursey’s dorm, and it makes him pause.

“Like what?” Dex asks carefully.

Nursey’s been watching him the whole time, not possibly knowing the direction Dex’s brain went. Still he seems to pause before answering.

“Nothing,” he finally says. “Doesn’t matter.” Dex drops his gaze to the floor, kind of feeling guilty for trying to pry. “No one’s on patrol,” Nursey teases, and Dex looks up again. “I forget how many shots I’ve had.”

“Are you kidding?”

Nursey makes a comically innocent face.

Dex wants to leave.

He must make a face himself because Nursey changes at once, shifting into his space like he doesn’t want Dex to look anywhere else. “I’m sorry,” Nursey hurries, but his words do sound a little heavy, so Dex is sure he’s actually had quite a few shots. “Sometimes it’s just easier, you know?”

“What is?”

“Pretending like things are fine.” Dex glances over his shoulder like someone’s listening in. He’s confused as to the sudden weight of this conversation but Nursey sounds achingly empty. “I mean no one’s actually on patrol,” Nursey carries on, a touch more dramatic with more life than before. “And I _don’t_ remember how many shots I had, but--whatever. C'est la vie!”

“Did something happen?” Dex asks. Maybe whatever was going on with Holster was actually a big deal.

“Nothing new,” he answers, still clinging to that false upbeat note. “I was just trying to get you to spend more time with me, Dexy.”

Dex’s heart stutters in his chest. “So do you want to spend time with me or are you being miserable about life?”

Nursey sighs. “Can’t we do both?”

Dex needs to get him some water.

* * *

He manages to piss Dex off within two minutes of finding him.

Of course he does. Nursey can’t do anything right. Can’t fall for the right guy, can’t stay sober enough to say the right things to the wrong one. Flounders over himself and gets lost in daydreams about being in love, about being someone’s someone. Anyone’s someone. Poetry that he could share, secrets he could keep, the boyfriend he could be if anyone ever actually wanted him.

Not having a solid person to stick by tonight has left him bouncing back and forth. Not quite dancing, more drunk than anything, listening to Holster talk about love and settling for less than he deserves.

Nursey knows he himself will get even less than that. He always does.

And falling for Dex? He knows this won’t work out.

But Nursey _actually_ has to settle for whatever Dex gives him. Holster should have real reason to believe that he and Ransom could be something more. Everyone else already has reason to believe it.

“C’mon Nurse,” Dex mutters. His hand suddenly on Nursey’s back is firm and grounding and Nursey curls into him as he guides him forward. Something shifts and Dex stands taut, pulling back a touch, eyes wide. Nursey wants Dex’s hands on him again. But the closeness has scared him and he’s back another step now. “What?” Dex snaps.

“Nothing,” Nursey rushes. He knows he’s been staring for too long but his eyes drop to Dex’s mouth for a moment anyway. “Sorry.” Something flashes on Dex’s face that Nursey wishes he could call guilt.

“I was going to get you some water,” Dex explains. Of course he isn’t touching Nursey for no reason.

“I’m fine.”

“It's your hangover.”

“You seen C?” he asks, changing the subject. Chowder is neutral territory. It’s always safe to fall back onto Chowder.

“Yeah, he and Farmer left a while ago.”

“Oh.” He feels a little dizzy now, his second shot with Holster definitely kicking in. “Chill.”

“Something going on with Farmer’s sister,” Dex says, and Nursey nods. Not that he knows, but Dex seems to, and it’s not like, a personal attack on Nursey that Chowder gets to go off and be with the person he loves and who loves him. 

God, fuck, alcohol always makes him feel like this! Why does he keep drinking it?

“Maybe I need another shot,” Nursey muses.

“You don’t,” Dex says.

“Maybe we should do a shot _together_ ,” Nursey offers. That will make him feel less pathetic, surely. Shots with the man he’s hopelessly fallen for to forget about the man he’s hopelessly fallen for.

Dex is quiet for a beat before he says, “We could get out of here.” Nursey’s entire body engulfs in flames in an instant. He’s so caught off-guard that he legitimately does not know how to respond. “Or are you too drunk to read my cards?”

Somehow this is even better. That is the most attractive thing that has ever come out of Dex’s mouth.

“Never,” he rasps.

Dex shrugs. “Well?”

“Let’s get out of here,” Nursey answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me @ holster and nursey: like i get it but boy you boys are dumb


	5. wait, is nursey still doing that FWB thing?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somehow Dex actually agrees to tarot with Nursey and surprise surprise, tarot with Nursey is just an excuse to talk about feelings. Holtz and Rans are still back at the party and Ransom has things he wants to say but he's drunk and hello Mashkov and where the fuck did Holster go? (He's never far.) Then later, Nursey texts the wrong person, and well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm supposed to be packing to move across the country but i worked on this instead whoops. sorry for the lag in update my life is a mess!!!! 
> 
> i wrote nursey using tarot in the same way i use tarot. there are many beliefs surrounding it and opinions and thoughts and xyz, this is how tarot works for me. 
> 
> pls ignore typos i will come back and fix in a bit.
> 
> thanks for reading!

Nursey is _not_ too drunk to read Dex’s cards, truly.

But the cool air is definitely helping settle the humming under his skin, and Dex is still close, like his hand keeps finding Nursey’s back when he starts to stumble close, which makes Nursey want to be present.

“When did you learn to read tarot?” Dex asks after a few minutes of silence. The farther they are from the party the quieter it gets, but Nursey’s sure once they’re closer to campus more people will appear. They’re reaching the middle point between the two.

“I’m still mostly learning,” Nursey admits. He knows key points about most of the cards but he likes having his reference book hand. “Marisol would read for us,” he says, like Dex knows who that is. He shakes his head a little to settle his thoughts. “This girl who lived on my street. Maria.”

“When you were younger?”

“Mm-hm.” He may not be too drunk to read cards, but he is still kind of drunk, which means he starts to ramble. “She was older than me but so tiny and never once intimidated by me.” Maria maybe came up to the middle of his chest. Maybe. “She taught me all the Spanish I know,” he carries on. “Not that my Spanish is very good.”

“Say something in Spanish right now,” Dex says.

“ _Te amo_ ,” Nursey returns. Dex rolls his eyes but Nursey can’t stop his smile from taking up his whole face. Dex is actually coming back to Nursey’s room so he can get his cards read. Nursey knows it won’t lead anywhere, that’s not what he’s after anyway. He’s just happy to spend some time with one of his favorite people. “You know what _te amo_ means?”

“Everyone knows how to say I love you in Spanish, Nurse.”

“You didn’t take Spanish in high school,” he remembers.

“No, everyone in my school was a prick.”

“So you took…”

“ _Je t’aime_ ,” Dex answers.

Nursey feels his body flash with heat. “French,” he concludes. “That’s right. Do you remember a lot?”

“Not enough to understand anything that Ransom or Jack talk about, but there are some words I still know.”  They’re closer to campus now and Nursey can’t help but notice that Dex starts keeping more to himself the more people they pass. “You have something I can smoke?”

“Yeah, Dexy,” Nursey says, catching himself almost saying _baby_ instead. “I got you.” Nursey internally scolds himself for how easily it could’ve rolled off the tongue. Alcohol makes him ache for it. A person to shower with endearments. “We’ll shove hella towels by the base of the door and hope for the best.”

Dex narrows his eyes at him a little. “Are you too drunk to smoke?” he asks.

“Pssh. Never.” Nursey loops his arm over Dex’s shoulder and drags him a touch closer. “I know the last time you smoke and drank at the same time the spins were so bad you swore you were with Aladdin and Jasmine on their magic carpet,” he says. Dex scoffs and shoves him off but Nursey’s grin only widens. “But _I’m_ good. Swear.”

“Just know that this experience alone will determine if we’re to remain friends.”

Nursey falls to pieces with laughter. “Is that so?” They’re rounding up on his building now and he is so ready to do this it isn’t even funny. “You should’ve warned me earlier, I could’ve made a playlist.”

“Like you don’t already have a playlist.”

* * *

"Pong Goddess is saying I must be saying hello,” Mashkov had said, but it all went in one ear and out the other.

He is so _pretty_. His hands could crush Ransom’s skull for fuck’s sake. Like holy shit.

But literally one moment ago Ransom had been wound up in Holster and it was _there_ , the things he wanted to say, all on the tip of his tongue. His brain was screaming _now, more, keep talking_ and then Tater’s was here. And Ransom was drunk. And Mashkov is. So pretty.

“So thoughtful of you!” Ransom managed. He turned to Holster and Holster was a step away all of a sudden, farther than Ransom expected him to be. His eyes widened in encouragement, nodding him forward, and into the moment, and then Holster was gone.

That was a while ago and Ransom’s still talking to Mashkov and it’s really not as difficult as he thought it was going to be. He’s sure the copious amounts of alcohol he has in his system have something to do with it but they’re talking about things other than hockey. Every now and then his thoughts will snag on Holster again and he’ll scan the room to look for him and normally he can spot him, but not anymore. Two scans of the area leave turn up Holster Free.

“You seen Holster?” Ransom asks, turning back to Mashkov.

Fueled by alcohol he doesn’t wait for a response but instead turns and starts wedging his way through the party to find his friend. He knows they were talking earlier and it was important but most of the night has started to bleed together and Ransom can’t quite remember the specifics.

He finds Holster in the kitchen with Shitty and Lardo and when Holster sees Ransom his eyes widen in shock. “What the hell are you doing?” he asks, striding past the others to get to him.

“What do you mean?”

Holster glances over his shoulder then looks back to Ransom in disbelief. “What happened with Mashkov?”

“Oh, he’s nice!” Ransom falls forward a little, one of his hands on Holster’s shoulder. “You abandoned me,” he tries to whisper, but he knows it comes out louder than he expects.

“Aw, Rans,” Lardo chimes in. “You have a lot to drink babe?”

He tries to push Holster’s shoulder a little but somehow ends up completely wrapped in Holster’s arms. “This one kept plying me with tub juice,” he tries to say, but the laughter from his friends makes him think he’s said something else.

Ransom is actually pretty drunk.

“Let me get you to bed,” Holster murmurs, and that’s a real whisper, one just for Rans, but still it feels like a whole performance of a thing. Everything Holster does is a goddamn performance. “You can sleep in my bunk.”

Ransom pulls back so he can look at him and the party spins a little. “Yeah.”

“Yeah?” Holster confirms. When Ransom nods it takes an insane amount of effort for him to bring his head back up.

Holster says something to Shitty and Lardo who both nod. “Night Rans,” Lardo calls as Holster starts guiding Ransom to the stairs.

Next thing he knows he’s perched on the edge of Holster’s bed, struggling to kick off his shoes. Holster settles down on the ground and helps pull them off carefully. Distantly, the party pulses on.

“I messed something up,” Ransom announces. He falls backwards on his elbows because it’s closer to laying down and that’s really what his body wants: to be horizontal.

“And what’s that?” Holster asks him.

“I don’t know,” Ransom admits. But something.

Once Ransom’s shoes are off Holster grabs his ankles and pulls him up so he’s actually on the bed instead of half off of it. “You didn’t mess anything up Ransy.”

“I drank a lot,” he warbles quietly.

“That’s okay.” It’s not okay. Ransom feels a wave of sadness that he can’t fight. “Hey, Justin,” Holster settles down on the edge of the bed and reaches out, catching his cheek and swiping his thumb below his eye. “Baby what’s wrong?”

God, fuck, is he crying?

“Can you stay with me?” Ransom rasps.

Holster’s kicking his shoes off at once, wiggling down onto the bed beside him. “I was gonna get you some water,” Holster tells him as Ransom buries his face into his neck. He doesn’t want water, he just wants to do this. Ransom sighs as he feels Holster’s hand settle on his back to keep him close. “Did Mashkov say something?” Holster asks quietly.

“No he’s fine,” Ransom sniffs. “It’s messy.” He shakes his head and tries to make sense of his own thoughts. “It’s not him.”

Ransom knew before that it wasn’t Mashkov. That was always just a fantasy. But the real dream, the real _guy_ , of course it’s Holster. It’s Holster like this, all the time. Holster with soft endearments that are steps past normal and Holster holding open his arms for Ransom to fall into and Holster always knowing what he needs and how to be there for him.

And Ransom wants to tell him but instead he closes his eyes and lets himself fall asleep to the soft drag of Holster’s hand along his spine.

* * *

Dex feels a little ridiculous shuffling the cards.

They’re bigger than a standard deck of cards would be and he won’t really look at the images but the couple glances that he’s gotten are making him nervous. He won’t voice this. He’s trying to be supportive of Nursey’s hobbies. And try something new. Maybe be a little vulnerable.

There’s some instrumental music playing (because of course Nursey had a playlist) and Nursey’s packing a bowl on this hilariously tiny bong that he pulled out of his closet.

“Why am I doing this?” Dex asks, cutting the deck to shuffle again.

“You want the cards to soak up your energy,” Nursey answers. Dex tries not to roll his eyes but he fails and the smirk that finds Nursey’s face in response is worth it. “It’s meditative, Dex. You could start thinking about the sort of things you want out of this read or just getting yourself in the mood. Anything, bro.”

“What do I want out of this?” Dex asks.

Nursey shrugs. “I don’t know, but don’t be petulant.” Dex smirks as he shuffles again. “You didn’t have to come.” Nursey looks up and his eyes look more clear than they have all night. “Do you want to do this for real? Will you talk to me?”

Dex’s smirk fades. “Yeah,” he answers quietly. “I--want to do this for real.”

Nursey nods once. “Okay.” Dex shuffles again. “Personally I use tarot as a kind therapy,” he tells Dex. “Self-reflection. It helps me think about where I am in my life and what kind of options I have.”

“It tells you your options?”

“Kind of. So.” Another shuffle. “If I’m stressed about something I’ll ask the cards. And they’ll say to me something like…” Nursey trails off, thinking. “This thing you’re thinking about? It’s going to happen. And it’s going to _suck_. Absolutely suck. Ruin your life kind of suck.”

Dex’s eyebrows pull together. “Uh-huh…”

“So then I think about what my life would look like if this turned out to be true,” Nursey says. “And if it’s shit I have to start thinking about ways to deal with it and process it before it happens. Or change my life now so I can avoid it. You see where I’m going with this?”

“I think so.”

“So what do you want out of this?” Nursey returns to the question that got them here. “Any real concerns or things in your life that you want to think about in particular?”

 _How I feel about you_ , Dex thinks.

“Let’s just see where it takes us,” he mutters.

Dex smokes more than Nursey does because Nursey’s had more to drink, and once Nursey’s satisfied that the cards have enough of his energy, he has Dex cut the deck. “With your left hand,” Nursey interrupts as Dex reaches with his right. “It’s closer to your heart.” For some reason that warms Dex in ways he isn’t expecting. He blames it on the pot kicking in. Nursey says, “You can’t think of the cards as magic,” but something about all of this _is_ magic. Dex here, a haze between them.

He draws three cards and he’ll only later remember them because Nursey will have remembered and reminded him. Past Present Future. But in the middle it stands out amongst the others.

“The Tower,” Nursey tells him.

It’s a frightening card the longer Dex looks as it. “What’s it mean?”

Nursey sets his book aside. “Change.” Yeah, definitely a frightening card. But Nursey seems amused that it’s been pulled. “The rebirth that comes from destruction. Catastrophe. Something that’ll alter the course of your _life_.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Nursey echoes. Dex shrugs. “What do you think that could be about, my sweet William?” Dex tries to stay tight-lipped but he did tell Nursey that he’d be open. “Family? Love? Money?”

Dex’s eyes dart back down to the cards in front of him. The pot has taken the edge off and he feels like maybe he doesn’t have to be so afraid. So Dex gives him a piece of himself.

“I hooked up with someone from the party tonight,” Dex tells him.

Nursey recoils backwards. “What?”

“Not tonight, I mean,” he tries to elaborate. “Like, previously. And I saw them tonight,” he adds, carefully choosing his words. “And I don’t know.”

Nursey looks down at the cards before looking back up at Dex. “Okay…” it’s like he doesn’t know where to elaborate from and Dex can’t really blame him. “This is your kind of?”

Dex looks back up at him too. “What?”

“You said you’ve kind of had sex before.” Dex drops his gaze and nods. “Do you still think about them?” Nursey responds, also careful of pronouns, Dex notices.

His answer is immediate. “No.”

Nursey laughs and leans toward Dex a little. “Well okay then, I don’t know either, Dex.”

“It wasn’t…” Dex furrows his eyebrows while he thinks. He wants to tell this to Nursey without some sort of weird outside pressure and for some reason right now feels like the best moment. “I didn’t want it in the way I think you’re supposed to.”

“What do you mean?”

“I wanted to be able to say that I’d done it,” Dex explains. He wonders if maybe Nursey’s too drunk to understand. “I didn’t… it’s not that I didn’t want to do it. It’s that I didn’t feel…” what’s the word he’s looking for. “Turned on, maybe?”

Nursey looks back down to the cards laid out between them, fiddling with the ones that have already been laid out as to not look up. “Do you ever feel like that?” he asks.

Dex’s eyes flicker up to him before dropping back down to the cards. “Yeah,” he says. “But not often. Not with just anyone.”

Nursey shrugs. ”That’s chill.” Dex motions for the bong again and Nursey passes it over to him. “Does it feel important to you for people to know that? Or to label it? Like, is that something you’re looking to do? Because,” he taps The Tower.

Dex exhales and tries not to blow the smoke in Nursey’s face. It’s not something he feels like he needs to announce to the world, how he’s attracted to people isn’t necessarily relevant, but it does feel like something he has to accept for himself.

“I always thought I’d go to college,” Dex carries on. “Like my older brother. And just.” He gestures widely. “Lose my virginity.” Nursey smiles but keeps himself tucked away, like he doesn’t want Dex to know how fun this conversation is for him. “You can laugh.”

“There’s nothing wrong with literally anything you’ve said tonight,” Nursey tells him, his smile growing. “Which might be a first.”

“Ha ha,” Dex jokes.

“But really,” Nursey encourages.

“Sometimes I think I’ve been doing it wrong,” he whispers.

“There’s no right way to be attracted to people Dex,” Nursey responds immediately. A special sort of comfort Dex hadn’t anticipated. “Sometimes I see someone and I know nothing about them and be super attracted to them right away. And other times there are people I’d never expect to feel certain ways about, and…” he trails off, smile softening, and Dex floods with heat. He’s lucky that the lights are low so maybe Nursey won’t notice.

“Yeah,” Dex finally agrees. “I mean, no, you’re right.”

“If finding a word to describe it is what you need to do to make it work for you, then I’m all about it, dude.”

“Yeah,” Dex says again, softer.

They both return to silence. The music carries on the in background, soft but hopeful.

“Do you want to just…” Nursey shrugs a little, almost wicked. “Lose your virginity?”

“I hate you,” Dex mutters.

Nursey laughs, “I’m serious!” And that’s the thing, he really is. He wants to break down all those toxic masculinity walls that Dex’s family spent his whole life building and address the importance of labels and attraction and sexuality and do it with sincerity. “Or do you want something more?”

Dex groans. “I don’t know,” he admits. Part of him _does_ just want to get it all over with. “It’s maybe more about the feeling and, I don’t know.” It’s hard to put into words what this is about. “Can we.”

“Move on? Yes, sure,” Nursey hurries, like he knows he’s already gotten Dex to say way more than he was expecting.

“Thanks Nursey,” Dex murmurs. He knows it’s not a lot, but he can only do pieces at a time. And to Dex this feels like a big piece.

He moves on to the next card but Dex keeps looking back to The Tower. He doesn’t want to be afraid of whatever’s next.

* * *

Once Ransom falls asleep, Holster lets himself consider sleep too. He’d very much like to pass out alongside his best friend. Lose himself in this familiar embrace. It isn’t the first time they’ve been like this and Holster has a feeling it won’t be the last but he wants to linger in it anyway, afraid he might not ever get a real chance to do it.

But there’s still a party downstairs and he knows it’s coming to an end which means someone has to help usher people to the door. Ransom exhales deeply and Holster feels the warm breath against his neck and the party disappears from his thoughts again.

 _One more shot_ , Nursey had said earlier tonight. And they both reached into the sink for the shot glasses they’d set there just moments before to take another drink. But it felt like more than that when he’d said it. Like the universe was telling Holster he only had one more shot with Ransom before he totally lost his chance completely.

And even before that Ransom had said _I love you, Holtzy. I can’t imagine my life without you._

Maybe that meant more that Holster had considered in the moment. Or maybe not? Holster himself has been struggling with how to tell the person he loves the most that he loves him. He’d said the same a hundred times to Ransom before. _I love you. I want you in my life forever_. When do words like that mean something more, if they say them every day as is?

Holster himself sighs before easing out of Ransoms grip. He waits to see if he’ll stir but when he doesn’t he slides his shoes back on and returns down to the party. On his way down the stairs he digs his phone out of his pocket and skims his notifications, only choosing to open the Snapchat he recently received from Nursey.

It’s a shitty angle of Dex shuffling some tarot cards and Holster exhales a laugh. Nursey is way braver than the team gives him credit for. He slips his phone back into his pocket and hurries back to the party.

Bitty and Lardo have taken control of kicking people out. Shitty arches an eyebrow when Holster rejoins him in the kitchen. “I wasn’t expecting to see you again tonight,” he admits.

Holster glances over his shoulder to where Jack and Mashkov are quietly conversing as the rest of the partygoers retreat. “Rans is gonna be upset he didn’t get to say goodbye.”

“Rans had a lot to drink,” Shitty counters. “He needs sleep. And water.” Holster kinda feels like a dick. He _was_ plying Ransom with alcohol but only because he thought it would make it easier for him to talk to Mashkov. Which it did. “And you,” Shitty eventually adds. “What happens when he wakes up and you're gone, hm?”

“He won’t wake up,” Holster returns. He scans the kitchen. He should help clean. Start now. But he feels weird and sad and tired and truth be told, he does want to rejoin Ransom in bed. Holster glances over his shoulder again to make sure they’re the only two in here. “You’re gonna be a lawyer,” he says.

“Uh, yeah, brah. Hope so.”

“How do you know what’s right? Like.” Holster’s had a bit to drink too, enough that his words are loose. “How do you know what’s… _right_?”

“Evidence?” Shitty offers. “Testimony?” Shitty leans back against the counter, arching an eyebrow. “There’s a lot of factors. What are you trying to figure out, Holtz?”

Holster shakes his head. “I don’t know.” He folds his arms over his chest and shifts on his feet. “Maybe I need sleep too.”

“Then sleep,” Shitty tells him. “You can help in the morning.” Holster always feels like he’s on the precipice of something. Maybe with Ransom. It makes him feel both waterlogged and hyper aware of everything all at once. He expects to anticipate things better but it’s still mostly a surprise when Shitty says, “Go to him, Holtzy. It’s cool.”

Now feeling like he has permission, Holster decides to head back upstairs. He swings by Jack to say goodnight and goodbye before going. They trade hugs and promises to actually catch up more soon before Holster leaves the party altogether.

Back upstairs, Ransom hasn’t moved. Holster takes his time getting ready for bed, heading back down to brush his teeth and wash his face, switching out his contacts for his glasses, delaying his return to his room.

He doesn’t know why this is so complicated. He _knows_ Ransom. He knows that if he told Ransom how he was feeling, even if he didn’t feel the same, he wouldn’t lose him. So many for Holster it’s more about the rejection of it all. He’s already tried to start that conversation with Ransom in the past before and he shut it down.

_Not everyone needs to end up together._

Still, Holster’s harbored feelings for him. A second rejection from his best friend might be necessary to move on, if that’s what he has to do, but Holster isn't sure his heart can take it.

Finally he makes his way back up to the attic. The steps outside the door are louder than Holster wants them to be and Ransom sits up when he hears them creak. With eyebrows furrowed he searches the room until he finds Holster, but when he finds him he smiles.

Holster loves him so goddamn much.

He hits the light and stumbles his way forward, knowing the layout of their room even in the dark. Once he finds the bunk he moves across it until he’s toward the front end, easing off his glasses to set on the side table.

“Holtzy?” Ransom rasps. “You need room?” It’s an invitation back to bed, to share the same small bunk with Ransom instead of climbing up into Ransom’s bed.

He can’t deny Ransom a thing.

“Yeah,” he whispers. Ransom wiggles backwards and makes a space for him that Holster easily slides into. It takes them a moment to settle, Holster sliding one of his legs between Ransom’s, Ransom moving his arm under Holster’s neck. But then they’re there together and all of the ache from the day is gone. “It is messy,” Holster murmurs. “Isn’t it?”

Ransom sighs. “Only sometimes.”

Wound like this with Ransom though, it doesn’t feel messy at all.

* * *

The days after the party feel different for Nursey in a good way.

(This is when when Nursey makes a mistake.)

He’s never been _great_ at multitasking. But he feels happy. It’s a Wednesday, sunny again, and after spending a weekend with Dex they’ve been texting more than before and Nursey’s trying to ride this high.

Not that he’s suddenly starting to think he has a chance with Dex. He doesn’t. But they’re starting to connect on deeper levels and maybe it’s not what Nursey wants it to be but he’s incredibly grateful to have Dex’s friendship.

So he’s texting Dex about nothing, one of his favorite things.

 **Dex**  
No we got to leave when we were done so I’m heading back to my room  
I think Pat should be around maybe we’ll get food

 **Nursey**  
o that could be fun  
do you and pat like.  
do stuff together ??

 **Dex  
**………

 **Nursey  
**LIKE eat meals and stuff

 **Dex**  
Yes??  
Do you and Ty not hang out?

 **Nursey**  
he’s never here!!!!  
he’s not even here now he’s got that basketball thing

And he’s texting Ransom about those plans they were supposed to make after the kegster a few days ago.

 **Ransom**  
Maybe lunch tomorrow?  
or dinner??

 **Nursey**  
lets do lunch  
ahhh ransy i’m excited!!!

 **Ransom  
**Let’s Do Lunch said the adult

 **Nursey  
**you’re the adult!!!

 **Ransom**  
i said not to talk about that ****  
ok but i miss you too bro

And he’s texting Holster because he’s super horny and wants to get his dick sucked.

 **Holster  
**hmmmmmmmm

 **Nursey**  
i don’t have class until 4  
and Ty’s away for that tournament

 **Holster  
**hhhhmmmmmmmmmm

 **Nursey**  
OBVIOUSLY i will suck your dick too  
holtzyyyyy

 **Holster  
**thinking…...

 **Nursey  
**i GUESS i could NAP

And he’s on the phone with his mom because it’s been a while since he’s called her and he’s feeling guilty about it.

“It’s not like I sleep through _every_ class,” he tells her, because maybe he forgot to wake up for his seminar this morning and he has a habit of telling his parents even when he makes small mistakes. “Just sometimes this one.”

“Frequently, it seems,” she points out.

Nursey huffs. “I still have an A.”

“Derek,” she warns.

“I know, I know.”

 **Dex**  
You could like  
Ask him to hang out  
You guys are friends, aren’t you?

 **Nursey  
**of course we’re friends!

“And how are things with that boy going?” his mother asks.

 **Ransom**  
Annie’s?  
Jerry’s?  
we could go off campus too

 **Nursey  
**or….. use our nifty meal plan

 **Ransom**  
bro  
why

 **Nursey  
**they give it to us for free i think that we should uSE IT

 **Ransom  
**i swear dex just possessed ur body and wrote that message

“Which one?” Nursey jokes.

“Oh, Derek, you know I don’t like it when you say things like that to me.”

Nursey rolls his eyes at Holster’s text, only half-glancing at it so he can respond to his mom. “I’m only kidding. There’s no _boy_ and things are going nowhere.”

 **Dex  
**My afternoon is pretty free though

 **Nursey  
**did you miss when i said you could come over….?

 **Dex  
**Apparently. Give me 10

“You know I can tell when you’re lying to me,” his mother says, both stern and full of warmth. As open as he is with his parents, his current friends with benefits while hopelessly pining over someone else situation isn’t something they need to know about. “Are you being safe?”

“Am I--!” Nursey huffs. “Yes mom!”

“Sexually.”

“ _Always!_ ”

His mom laughs on the other end and Nursey quickly changes the subject. His parents are traveling soon and his mother goes into detail about the plans, very audibly excited about it, so Nursey lets her ramble on. She’s at least five minutes into describing the place that they’ve booked when his phone buzzes with another text.

 **Holster**  
i’m only kidding!! ****  
i’m almost there  
you better not have fallen asleep

Nursey frowns, confused. Didn’t he just text Holster like ten seconds ago? He drags his thumb down but the last message is also from Holster. But Nursey thought that he’d responded to it. And so had Holster???

“Fuck,” he exhales, tapping back in his messages. This isn’t happening.

“Derek!”

“Sorry mom, hold on.” He texted Dex. He told Dex to come over and Dex said sure. Dex doesn’t even have an iPhone! The message was in fucking green! “Fuck!” Is he on his way right now? What if he and Holster show up at the same fucking time? How long has he been on the phone with his mom? “Everything’s fine but I have to go I’ll call you later I love you!”

“I love you too--!”

She barely gets in the goodbye before Nursey hangs up, frantically dialing Dex’s phone number. He answers almost right away.

“What’s wrong?”

“Heeey, Dex,” Nursey drags out slowly. But then in a rush, “So you see, I told you to come over. Right.”

Dex sounds legitimately annoyed when he says, “You don’t want me to come over anymore.”

Nursey has to save this. They had such a nice time this weekend and they grow closer every day and he can’t let him think that Nursey’s just shoving him aside. “It’s not that I don’t want you to come over any _more_ ,” Nursey tries to explain, still in a just a breath. “It’s--”

Dex interrupts him, “You never wanted me to come over at all.”

“Okay, that’s not true. Don’t twist my words.”

“You said them, Nurse.”

Nursey huffs, crossing the room to glance out his window with a frown. It’s nice out so he cracks it open to let a breeze in. “Were you on your way?” he wonders.

“Not yet.”

Nursey tries to explain the situation (which is _true_ , by the way) how he’s been texting a few people and busy with the phone call, but it only serves to annoy Dex further. Like maybe he thinks Nursey doesn’t think Dex is worth his time. But that’s untrue, so he invites Dex over later.

It seems like a nice way to end the conversation before Dex mutters, “Have fun with your fuck buddy.”

Nursey is so caught off-guard he stammers to respond. “Mind your own business!”

All Dex’s huff of a laugh on the other end does is serve as a reminder that of course the idea of Nursey sleeping with anyone is funny. Dex rambles on about something but Nursey gets another text and pulls back to check it.

 **Holster  
**broooo i’m here

“I gotta go,” Nursey interrupts. “See you later,” he sings, actually excited to see Dex tonight.

A few minutes later Holster appears, loudly throwing open the door with a grin to announce his presence. “I’ve got an hour until I have to be at my professor’s office hours so let’s get a move on this.”

Nursey laughs as he slips his shirt over his head. “Aye aye, Captain.”

* * *

“Seriously?” Nursey asks.

He’s currently sprawled out in his bed, recovering from his orgasm. He props himself up to look at Holster who’s now sitting at the foot of his bed, post-Sucking Nursey Off. He wipes the corner of his mouth with his hand.

“Yeah,” Holster says. “I’m good.” Nursey frowns, eyes darting to Holster’s crotch, which only makes Holster chuckle. “Seriously Nurse,” Holster says. “I don’t need my dick sucked.”

“I could just…” Nursey falls back onto his bed, gesturing vaguely with his hands. “Play with it?” Holster laughs again, shaking his head. “Everything okay?” Nursey asks.

“Yeah,” he tells him, and they are. Like, generally. Related to this, anyway. Nursey shoves himself back into his boxers and Holster crawls up the bed to lay beside him instead of sitting so far away. “It’s probably better to not go see my professor all hot and bothered.”

Nursey laughs. “Fine but I owe you one.”

“Obviously I accept.” Nursey laughs again while Holster smiles, closing his eyes. He could nap here, he thinks. “It’s my capstone class,” he says after a few minutes of quiet. The class he needs to pass to graduate. “I missed an assignment a few weeks ago and I’m worried without it I won’t pass.”

Nursey shifts so he can look at him. “Wait, really?”

Holster squeezes his eyes shut tighter. “Remember when Rans was at that wedding and we lost that game?”

Nursey scoffs. “You mean the first time we had sex?” he asks.

Holster winces. “Oh, shit.”

“Are you going to fail your capstone because we had sex?!”

While Holster is actually pretty stressed, the absolute panic in Nursey’s voice makes him burst into laughter. “No, Derek!” He turns, shoving Nursey’s side just a little. “It was due before the game even and I just forgot because I’d been worrying about being captain by myself and then it all kind of ran away from me.”

“Well fuck, Holtzy.”

Holster sighs, sinking back down. “I know.” He shakes his head a little. “I haven’t told Rans yet. I want to see what my professor says.” It’s just that he knows Ransom will blame himself, even though it’s not his fault at all. Holster has a problem with self-sabotaging. “What if I don’t graduate?”

“You’ll graduate,” Nursey rushes. “Can I help?”

“I just have to see what my prof says, I guess,” Holster murmurs, and Nursey nods.

“Ransom would want to help too,” Nursey tells him. “Why haven’t you told him?”

Because Holster only just found out himself, and things have been weird between them since the party.

Not like, super weird. Just normal weird. Ransom’s a little fidgety and it makes Holster hesitate. He worries he’s being too affectionate or not affectionate enough, always second guessing where he wants to put his hands or the words he wants to say.

When Holster woke up the morning after the party, Ransom had been gone. Like, had already showered and went on a run kind of gone, which was already kind of strange for post-party Ransom. Especially a Ransom that had drank so much at said party.

“Adam?” Nursey asks.

Holster exhales deeply, closing his eyes again. “I’m fucking graduating soon, dude. Maybe.”

“No, you are.”

“So like, what the fuck happens after that?” he rasps. He lifts his hands to cover his face, trying not to let his anxiety take control. “I’ve been in school for _forever_. And playing hockey for forever like--” he drags his hands down and opens his eyes, turning to look at Nursey. “I just have to make this shit up as I go now?”

Nursey shrugs a little. “I don’t know,” he admits. “You’ll figure it out.”

Holster sighs again. That isn’t what he wants to hear. But he thinks that’s maybe because this isn’t who he wants to hear it from.

* * *

**Nursey  
**did you miss when i said you could come over….?

Dex had gotten out of his test to find a few texts from Nursey, which wasn’t surprising seeing as they’d been texting a lot more since the weekend but still made him feel stupidly warm. So they’d been texting casually while Dex walked back to his room, only just having stepped inside when he gets the text from Nursey.

Dex hadn’t realized that was an option but it’s not like he’s doing anything else. He texts Nursey back and turns on his heel for the door again.

“Heading out?” Pat asks from where he’s stretched out on his bed. “You literally just got here.”

“Gonna go to Nursey’s,” he tells his roommate.

Pat arches an eyebrow. “Uh-huh.”

Dex hesitates with a hold on the handle. “Uh-huh what?” he asks.

“Nothing.”

“Okay.”

“It’s just…” Pat starts up again before Dex can flee, which means Dex is stuck here. “Is that like…” he trails off, careful. “A thing?”

Dex is going to spontaneously combust. “What do you mean?” he manages.

Pat shrugs. “You’ve been spending a lot of time with him is all. And I know,” he adds quickly, “that hockey defensemen are weird as hell, dude, but I just want to make sure I’m not--”

“No,” Dex cuts him off, almost afraid of what his roommate will say. Pat’s generally a good dude. And it’s not like he’s acting like the possibility of Dex with Nursey is gross or bad or anything like that. But Dex is worried Pat will end up saying something horrible and then it’s just a whole spiral of a thing that has to be done, about his roommate/friend and the concept of Dex and Nursey and casual homophobia and oh fuck he might already be spiraling. “You’ve been spending a lot of time with Emily,” Dex counters.

“Bro you _know_ Emily and I are just fucking.”

Fuck buddies. That’s right. Why does Dex know so many people with fuck buddies? They can’t be all that common of a thing.

“Well,” he tries to run with it. “Do you want more than that?”

Pat exhales a breath of a laugh. “Dude, what?”

“I don’t know!” He’s not great at subject changes under pressure.

“I mean…” Pat trails off, smiling a little. “Maybe,” he admits. “I mean the sex is good but she’s…” his smile widens. “I mean, yeah, I wouldn’t be having sex with her if I didn’t like her.”

Dex shrugs, gesturing toward him. “So you should tell her.”

“Where the hell is William Poindexter and what the fuck have you done with my roommate?” Pat demands, but he’s grinning. “Fuck, Will, should I?”

So this was actually a great subject change. Excellent. “Why not? Yolo, or whatever.”

“Oh my God,” Pat laughs. “Get out of here! Who are you?!”

Dex stutters out a laugh and hurries out of their room before Pat asks any more questions. Hopefully he’s forgotten all about Nursey and what a terrible transition it was between Nursey and the girl that Pat’s sleeping with because Dex really doesn’t know how to explain why he’s been spending more time with him outside of practice.

Lots of moving parts, all the time, always. It’s a goddamn mess.

Dex and Nursey’s buildings aren’t all that far apart so Dex is nearly there when his phone starts ringing. And it’s Nursey. Who only calls if it’s important.

“What’s wrong?” he asks as he answers.

And it turns out nothing’s wrong. Dex is so fucking stupid. Nursey asks him to come over and he’s on his feet in a second. He didn’t actually want Dex to come over.

“Okay, that’s not true,” Nursey says when Dex voices this back to him. “Don’t twist my words.”

“You said them, Nurse.”

“Were you on your way?” Nursey asks. His stomach aches and Dex holds his ground a couple hundred feet from Nursey’s building.

“Not yet,” he lies.

Sometimes Dex doesn’t know what’s going on with them. He knows how he feels, personally, but he can’t expect Nursey to feel the same. Or to even remotely know how Dex feels. But every now and then it’s like they’ve taken a few steps forward together, toward whatever it is. Nursey’s very open in friendship, Dex has to remind himself. Soft weekend moments don’t necessarily mean to Nursey what they mean to Dex.

“I was texting like three people at once,” Nursey whines. “And on the phone with my mom. Of course I want you to come over. But maybe _laaaater_?”

Dex sighs. “Maybe.” Well it’s not like he can go back to his room now, Pat will tear into him about God knows what. Maybe he’ll actually talk to his girl and sort that shit out. Half in that conversation, half in this one, Dex tries to joke, “Have fun with your fuck buddy.”

Nursey sputters on the other end, defensive. “Mind your own business!”

Dex feels himself laugh in surprise but at the same time his stomach clenches again, and any movement he was about to make out of the courtyard has him frozen. “Are you serious?” he asks. He’d only been kidding. “You’re seriously about to have sex. It’s like, 1 in the afternoon? And I didn’t even know that you were still--”

“I gotta go,” Nursey interrupts. “ _See you later_ ,” he sings into the phone before hanging up.

Dex hesitates, slowly lowering his phone from his ear. He looks down at his screen with a frown. Maybe he could go to the Haus, see if Bitty’s baking anything.

But when he looks up from his phone and prepares to start his walk he does a double take and falters in his step, his eyes catching on someone that he thinks he knows.

They’re wearing a SMH hoodie. Maybe if they get closer Dex can snag whoever it is and they can walk to the Haus together. Tango’s dorm is over here somewhere, it wouldn’t be the first time Dex ran into him on campus.

But the longer Dex watches the person the more he can place them. He knows that walk, that stature. And they’re not walking toward him anymore, they’re headed straight for Nursey’s building.

When the guy glances over his shoulder as he hurries inside, Dex finally places him.

It’s Holster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do you ever see someone on campus and you're like huh i think i know them and then you just kind of stand there and stare and try and figure out if that's the person you actually think it is. but you don't want to engage with them in case you're wrong. so again you're just. kind of standing there staring at them. like bran staring at jaime when he arrived in winterfell. that's dex


	6. hell of a spiral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dex spirals, Dex reacts, Dex thinks that Nursey must be sleeping with Holster. Dex tells someone his theory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk HOW this chapter got so long or so angsty lololol my bad. remember when i just wanted to write a fun story abt holtz and nurse making out hahaha hahahahhaha hahhaa turns out friendship and feelings are complicated who would've guessed

Dex has spiraled before but it's never been this bad. 

Like, as someone who has spent his entire life in the closet, he's definitely had some dark spirals before. And some fast ones. But this spiral is all consuming and terrifying in a way that anxiety has never been for Dex before and he doesn't know what to do with it. He's never learned how to appropriately handle feelings that he doesn't want to sit with. 

Logically Dex knows that there are things he could do. Nursey goes to regular counseling on campus (so do a few other people on the team) so Dex knows that he could maybe go talk to a therapist, but the idea of speaking to a stranger about the thoughts tumbling around inside of his head is too mortifying to actually follow-through with. Or maybe he could journal. He knows that he always feels better once he sees how he's feeling written down as actual words, whether that be typing or physically writing them, but that too is something he doesn't regularly do. It takes an extreme amount of effort for Dex to reach into his brain and find words for this, and more importantly, he doesn't really want to do it. He could also find someone to talk to. Chowder would be a great support, Dex knows that, but for Chowder to support the spiral that Dex is going through, Dex would have to come out to him, which incites a whole other fucking spiral, and around and around and around he goes.

Nursey's sleeping with Holster.

Like, probably.

Maybe it's not confirmed or whatever but Dex is convinced. He is wholeheartedly and completely convinced that this is true and he's pretty fucking pissed he had to figure it out on his own. And that it's happening at all. And that it fucking _feels like this._

It isn't until Dex ghosts Nursey for their evening hangout does Dex start considering that maybe he's overreacting. Mostly because of a series of texts that Nursey sends him. 

 **Nursey**  
dexyyyyy  
i miss youuuu  
are you okay? like hopefully ur not in a ditch somewhere at least??   
i’m sorry about earlier

And then Chowder texts him too.

 **Chowder**  
Nursey's worried abt u are u okay?  
wya

And then both of them in their group chat, like nothing's wrong at all.

 **Nursey  
**IT'S NOT SANSA'S FAULT THAT THE VIEWERS OF GAME OF THRONES ARE ABSOLUTE SHIT AND DO NOT RESPECT HER INCREDIBLE STRENGTH AND CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

 **Chowder  
**I AGREE WITH YOU WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME

But Dex continues to spiral, alone in his room, thankful that his roommate is elsewhere because he can't explain this to anyone, absolutely no one, not until he's sure. He climbs into bed before Pat can get home and faces the wall. Dex keeps his breathing shockingly even for how fast his thoughts are racing and, somehow, eventually, after Pat’s gets in much later and finally stops puttering around, falls asleep.

Nursey's waiting outside his dorm in the morning.

"The fuck, dude?" Nursey greets, frowning but also looking kind of relieved to see him. Dex winds his arms around himself and finds a blank face to wear to practice. Better than anger, better than grief. He hoped his spiral would stop once he went to bed but the sun is hardly up and he's already thinking about Nursey and Holster and Holster and Nursey. "I was worried about you!" 

"I fell asleep early," Dex lies.

"What, at seven?" Nursey shoves him a little but it's more playful than anything else. Still it does nothing to loosen the tightness in Dex's chest. "Are you getting sick?" 

"No," Dex answers evenly. Neutrality is the easiest mask to wear right now. "Just tired." 

Nursey looks like he doesn't believe him. Which is fine. Seeing as it's a lie. "Sure," he answers, unsteady. There's something else in his eyes too, something that Dex refuses to call worry and instead will label as Nursey's incessant need to know everything about everyone all the time. "Would you tell me if you weren't okay?"

"I'm fine, Nurse." 

"Sure," Nursey says again, but it's quieter than before. Somehow even softer Nursey asks, "Are you mad at me?"

"Why would I be mad at you?" Dex drones.

"I don't know." Nursey shifts his duffel bag on his shoulder. "You did kind of ghost me last night."

"I already told you I fell asleep," Dex snaps.

"There is definitely something going on," Nursey responds. Dex desperately wishes that they had never progressed in their friendship at all, certainly not to this point where Nursey can ask him so brazenly about his feelings. "You wanna talk about it?"

"No." Dex huffs. "There's nothing going on." He's frustrated he let his anger chisel at his blank shield and takes a deep breath to center himself again. "I should've texted you," Dex finally settles with. 

Nursey accepts this like it's an apology even though it isn't. He smiles sweetly like maybe he isn’t sucking Holster’s dick regularly or having Holster suck his and Dex feels his face burning because _why_ won’t his brain fucking chill out for one goddamn _second_. 

He lets Nursey ramble the rest of the way there while Dex holds onto his stony silence. He’s worried if he says something it will be the wrong thing, the wrong words before he’s thought them through, the wrong tone that will send Nursey running for the hills. But the closer they get to Faber, the less Nursey speaks. 

“Dex?” he asks gently.

“Just tired,” he says again.

Once they arrive, Dex feels like he can breathe again. The motions of dressing for practice is almost meditative for him. He knows he’ll be on the ice soon and being on the ice is always enough to relax the humming below his skin. Practice is normally a busy enough distraction that Dex is able to put all of his shit on a shelf and focus on the task at hand.

But they're still in the locker room getting ready when Dex catches sight of Nursey and Holster, crowded by Holster's locker, whispering about something Dex can't hear. His stomach drops at once and the soft smile on Nursey's face at whatever it is Holster's saying makes him feel sick. 

 _They're just friends_ , Dex thinks sharply, that buzzing inside of him growing louder. _They're allowed to be friends_.

But then Holster's eyes trail down Nursey's body like he's taking it all in, and then Holster winks. 

He legitimately. Fucking. Winks.

* * *

**Nursey**  
dex bailed on me last night lololol  
without even saying anything lol ha ha ha  
WHAT IS WRONG W ME

Holster wakes up to Nursey’s text but doesn’t see it until he’s halfway to Faber. It frustrates him in a way that he doesn’t expect. 

 **Holster  
**Dude there’s nothing wrong w you

Nursey texts back almost immediately.

 **Nursey**  
said he fell asleep early  
i think he’s mad at me  
but WHAT have i DONE

 **Holster**  
this time?  
god only knows nurse  
I’M JUST KIDDING

 **Nursey  
**WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT

Holster chuckles, shaking his head at the message before putting his phone away. 

“What’s so funny?” Ransom asks by Holster’s side. Holster shakes his head again but his smile lingers.

Holster feels good today. It’s been a while since he woke up and felt like maybe things would turn out alright. Last night he finally confessed to Rans what was going on with his capstone class and, just like Holster should’ve expected, Ransom stayed up with him all night to help produce a real solution. By the end of it they’d emailed Holster’s professor a proposed paper to make-up lost points and asked for a meeting in the morning, and the professor had agreed to it before midnight.

They fell asleep in Holster’s bunk, laptop perched between them playing something Holster can’t even remember the name of. When they woke Holster’s laptop had been put away and a blanket had been draped across them. Ransom’s doing, Holster was sure. 

“Nothing’s funny,” Holster answers. “I’m just happy.”

Ransom’s returning smile makes Holster’s chest feel full of fireworks. “Good,” Ransom tells him. 

They talk about the drills they want to run during practice that morning and if they think the switch to morning rink time is better than morning gym time or not. When they get to Faber Bitty pulls Ransom away to talk about something not hockey related so Holster heads in to get ready. 

He’s nearly dressed when Nursey appears in front of his locker with a smile more fake than Holster’s seen in a long time. 

Dex skipping out on Nursey last night must’ve really upset him because it’s not often (or ever) that they talk about Things Like This anywhere other than with the safety of a closed door. But Nursey’s here now, eyes wide and worried, and Holster can’t let his friend wait until later to be comforted. 

“You okay?” Holster asks. Nursey glances over his shoulder in Dex’s direction, making sure he’s busy, before looking back to Holtz. “He said he fell asleep,” Holster says softly. 

“He was lying,” Nursey murmurs back. “He opened my Snapchats at like. Ten o’clock.”

“ _Nurse._ ”

Nursey drags his hands over his face in frustration with a groan. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. But it’s also probably not about you…?”

Nursey sighs. “You’re probably right.” Still, he seems hesitant. 

“Maybe he got stuck in the elevator in his shitty dorm again,” Holster offers as he starts to redress. “Or lost a really close game of Words With Friends.”

Nursey cracks a smile. “Definitely one of those things,” he agrees. 

“Could be _anything_. Class or his job or back home. When he gets distracted he has a one track mind, you know?”

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re probably right,” Nursey says again, but more sure this time. 

“I can always give you something to take your mind off of it,” Holster offers. “Since his is probably somewhere else, too.” 

“Sometimes you are so goddamn smooth,” Nursey says with a laugh. As he steps backwards Holster’s eyes drift down his body. “I don’t have class this morning,” he reminds him. When his eyes reach Nursey’s again he’s relieved to find Nursey’s has slid back into a less aching version of himself. “Text me after practice?”

Holster winks. Nursey rolls his eyes but he’s still smiling, warmer than he was moments ago. It’s not like Holster can do a lot to protect Nursey from his own heart but he doesn’t mind being a distraction. Or having a distraction. 

Nursey’s barely gone when Ransom returns with Bitty, the two of them fake-arguing about different flavors of pie. Holster’s chest rumbles with warmth at the sight of them, or rather just the sight of Ransom, and his smile grows soft. 

“What’d I miss?” Ransom asks as he approaches his locker. “We almost ready?”

“Ready,” Holster confirms.

* * *

So.

Holster’s been yelled at before. He’s been snapped at, shouted at, growled at. Various forms of disgust thrown in his direction. He’s a hockey player. People have chirped him, thrown fists, attempted to knock out his large beautiful teeth.

But he’s been prepared for those things.

He is not prepared Dex to flip out on him that morning.

In the locker room when Nursey was telling Holster about Dex blowing him off, it seemed like there was maybe something else going on. Which led Holster to watch Dex a lot of the morning, both as a friend to Nursey (and Dex) but also as a captain. And Nursey was right--something was wrong. Dex kept retreating and pulling away. When he would pass the puck there was way too much aggression for so early in the morning. He didn’t speak, not even to Chowder, and mostly kept his eyes on the ground.

The first time Holster skates over to Dex, Dex blows him off.

“You doing okay this morning?” Holster asks, trying to sound as casual as he can. Dex looks at him and rolls his eyes and skates away. “Maybe some coffee’ll help,” Holster calls after him.

Soon enough Nursey’s skating over. 

“Leave it,” Nursey pleads gently. Holster shifts, directing his attention away from the team and spinning to focus on his friend. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Nah, he’s being weird,” Holster affirms. He doesn’t want Nursey thinking he’s just doing this because Nursey’s into Dex. Like, he might not’ve noticed how out of it was Dex was before Nursey pointed it out, but Holster’s going to care about his people. “Captain,” he reminds Nursey.

Holster knocks his stick into Nursey’s before skating back toward practice.

Holster tries again a few drills later but Dex stops him before he can say anything. “Don’t worry about it,” he grumbles as Holster arrives.

They’re out of the way of the rest of the team, closer to the wall than the group, and Holster shakes his head. “That’s my job, dude, I’m already worried about it.”

“Well maybe you could try fucking off and minding your own business for once,” Dex shoots back. 

Holster’s so startled by the words from Dex that he doesn’t react right away, leaving Dex an opportunity to skate a few yards away from him.

“What did you just say to me?” Holster asks. Dex doesn’t even look over his shoulder. “ _Poindexter_ ,” Holster reprimands. 

“I said _fuck off!”_

Holster’s hockey instincts kick in but Dex’s words are so loud that the whole court has heard them. He skates forward and grabs Dex’s shoulder, shifting and turning them both so he can pin Dex back against the plexiglass. 

Dex’s eyes widen in shock as Holster holds him there, but the firm set of his jaw holds. Before Holster can say anything Coach Murray blows his whistle and Dex shrugs his shoulder out of Holster’s grip, shaking away without any other words between them.

Holster doesn’t know what to do. He looks to Rans, who’s looking at him, then Nursey who has his eyes have widened too, but with Murray’s whistle the moment is over.

What the fuck.

* * *

Dex is losing his mind.

Dex is losing his mind totally fucking _losing his mind_ for the love of God what the fuck is _wrong with him_.

Practice ends and he races off the ice as fast as he can. He doesn’t make eye contact with anyone, he ignores every person who calls out for him as he passes, and he gets changed at an insane speed. 

This is how crazy people think. This is how crazy people _act_. Nursey mentioned that his friends with benefits sitch was with a guy. Dex has seen Holster at Nursey’s dorm twice since. Nursey also mentioned that he and Holster have a lot in common. 

That doesn’t mean they’re fucking!

Nursey’s _mind your own business_ could’ve meant anything but it sounded too defensive to be anything other than the truth. 

Or--not! Or not, because Dex is being fucking crazy! Even crazier to actually snap at Holster during practice! Like, Jesus Christ what is wrong with him? Not only is he going to spiral so hard he forgets his own name but he’s going to cut out anyone who’s ever shown him an ounce of kindness in the middle because Dex is certifiably insane. 

“What the hell is going on with you?” Chowder demands moments after Dex comes to the conclusion that he might be an actual psychopath. 

“I might be an actual psychopath,” Dex answers. 

He’s appeared out of nowhere, his hand hard on Dex’s shoulder to spin him around and force Dex to look at him.

Chowder’s face flickers with emotion, concern bleeding into confusion, before he shakes his head and lowers his hand. “Why?” 

They’re barely outside of Faber. It takes Dex another moment to realize that Chowder must’ve followed after him on purpose. Dex himself was hurrying, like the walls of the building were slowly closing in and cutting off airflow and making it harder and harder to breathe, which means that Chowder must have hurried too.

“I can’t tell you,” he says.

Chowder scoffs. “What!”

“I can’t tell you,” Dex says again, shaking his head. He glances over at Faber, looking for signs of their teammates who will start trickling out soon. “Because I know that I’m being crazy,” Dex carries on. “And if I say it out loud it’s just—it’s too much.”

Concern is the domineering feature on Chowder’s face again. “You’re worrying me,” he says gently. The kind of gentle that is incredibly sincere. The kind of gentle that makes Dex want to shake with sadness because Chowder cares so much about him and Dex isn’t giving him anything to work with. 

Dex sighs, turning away from Chowder so he can take a second to collect his thoughts. It’s not like he wants to lie. He doesn’t. But he also doesn’t want to talk about it in any way shape or form. 

“If you knew something about me,” Dex says slowly, turning back to face his friend. “That was a secret. And I didn’t tell you, but you still found out. What would you do?” 

Chowder blinks a few times. “Depends on the secret,” he settles with.

“Yeah.” Dex drags his hands through his hair and tries some more deep breathing. 

“Do you have a secret?” Chowder asks slowly. 

“No,” he blurts. _Just the fact that I’m gay!_ “I don’t have any secrets.”

“So you know one,” Chowder concludes. “About someone else.” 

“ _No_ ,” Dex rushes.

“Will.”

“Fine!” He throws his hands up and paces away. “Fine, it’s--” he stops speaking when he feels his phone buzzing in his pocket. Terrified that it’s Nursey and he somehow knew what was about to come out of his mouth Dex yanks his phone out like it’s burning him. “It’s Rans,” he says.

“Well answer it,” Chowder returns.

“He’s probably pissed at me.”

“You snapped at Holtz,” Chowder reminds him, which makes Dex wince. The whole fucking team saw that. The whole goddamn team! “He’s probably just worried about you.”

“No,” Dex says, straining. “He’s probably pissed.” Still, Dex swipes to answer it. “Yeah?” 

“ _Don’t yeah me_ ,” Ransom responds. He doesn’t sound pissed, but there’s only one reason why Rans would be calling. 

Dex sighs, weighing his options. He could flee. Back to his dorm to work on homework, or somewhere else completely to try and clear his head. 

Or maybe Ransom has answers.

“Where are you?” Dex finally asks.

* * *

Holster’s the last one off the ice. 

“What was that?” Ransom asks, waiting for him at the door. But Holtz seems out of it, eyes foggy and distant. His only response comes in the shake of his head. “Adam,” Ransom stops him.

“I don’t know,” Holster murmurs back.

They take some time chatting with the coaches, both of them asking if they’re going to talk to Dex about whatever the hell that was or if they need to do it, before slowly making their way to the locker room as they take off their gear.

“I’ll talk to him,” Ransom offers. They linger outside the locker room listening to their team inside while Holster shifts backwards, shaking his head again. “He’s probably just having an off day.”

“Yeah,” Holster says slowly. “Probably.”

Ransom reaches up and rests his hands on Holster’s shoulders. “I’ll talk to him. You worry about your meeting with your professor.”

Holster drops his head backwards against the wall with a groan. “Fuck! I’m gonna be late.” He turns out of Ransom’s grip and rushes into the locker room to get changed. Ransom sighs when he’s gone but slowly follows after him. “I should be gone already,” Holster whines over his shoulder. 

“You have time,” Ransom promises. He scans the room looking for Dex but finds that he’s already gone. Holster’s rushing to get dressed, tugging his sweats on quickly. He goes slowly himself. It’s not like Ransom has a class he has to hurry off to this morning. The only thing on his schedule for the day is his lunch with Nursey. 

 “You sure? I should talk to him too,” Holster says.

“Later,” Ransom waves him off. This class thing is stressing him out. And while Ransom has full faith that Holster’s going to figure out how to get these extra points and recover his grade so that he can graduate, he knows Holtz is still worried. “This first. You got this.” 

The look of appreciation that Holster sends him is worth it. “Yeah?”

Ransom nods with a smile. “Yeah. Now go!”

“Love you,” Holster calls over his shoulder. 

He says it all the time but it still makes Ransom’s chest twist. As much as he wants to linger in the warmth that washes over him he ends up digging in his pocket so he can dial Dex’s number. The locker room is rapidly clearing now and Ransom shifts, pinning his phone between his shoulder and his ear so he can keep putting stuff in his locker. 

Finally, Dex answers. “Yeah?”

“Don’t yeah me,” Ransom returns.

He hears Dex sigh. “Where are you?” Dex asks.

“Locker room. Have you hightailed it out of here already?” 

“Just outside Faber,” Dex grumbles. “I’ll be right back.” 

Ransom hums as Dex hangs up. He prefers to do all of his captaining with Holster by his side but Ransom knew Holtz had things to take care of. That, and as much as he didn’t let it show, Holster could get pretty torn up when people on the team were being rude to him specifically. It makes him doubt himself as a captain which is never good. Ransom wants to make sure he gets to the bottom of this before it gets blown out of proportion. 

Everyone knows that Dex is a little hotheaded, but today was different. It felt personal.

Fifteen minutes pass before Dex finally returns to the locker room, looking distant and angry and afraid all wound up in the hard set of his jaw. By the time he gets there Ransom’s done changing and organizing his things and is sitting down on the bench waiting for him. The locker room has cleared.

“Here I am,” Dex greets, tense.

“Here you are,” Ransom says slowly. Dex shifts uncomfortably under Ransom’s gaze, folding his arms over his chest and keeping his eyes down. “You wanna get breakfast?” Ransom asks.

“I don’t know if I have time.”

“Yeah, okay.” Dex shifts again, eyes darting up to meet Ransom’s but only for a moment. “What happened this morning, man?” 

Dex winds his arms tighter against himself. “I don’t know.”

Ransom waits for Dex to elaborate. They both know why they’re here. Dex answered when Ransom called and came back when Ransom asked because Dex knows he’s in the wrong. Or maybe not in the wrong, seeing as Ransom doesn’t know what’s going on, but at least that he made a mistake with his behavior. Eventually Ransom pats the bench beside him and Dex sighs, taking the last few steps to close the distance between them and sit beside him. 

Ransom likes Dex. They’re maybe not the two closest people but he’s heard from a few people that Dex admires him, which is always cool. 

“Are you okay?” Ransom finally asks. 

“Yeah,” Dex answers quietly. “I’ll apologize to Holster. I…” he trails off. Thinks about it. “I didn’t sleep that well last night, and.” Dex shakes his head. “I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“My shitty behavior on the ice,” Dex drones on. 

But Ransom doesn’t want a cookie cutter apology. “You know I care about you, dude,” Ransom says. He shifts on the bench so he can look at Dex a little better. “If something’s wrong I want to help.” 

Dex’s face tightens and he looks up at Ransom for just a moment before looking back down to the ground. “I don’t know if you can.” 

Worry floods Ransom and he shifts again, facing Dex directly. “What’s going on?” 

“It’s--” there’s hesitation in Dex’s voice and something likened to fear in his eyes. “Okay.” Ransom waits. “Okay,” Dex says again, turning so he’s also looking directly at Ransom. “As a captain,” Dex begins, “would you date a teammate?” 

Ransom blinks a few times. His brain darts to Holster for a second because dating Holster is something that he thinks about frequently but Holtz is his co-captain (and best friend), so it’s a little different. 

“Just, like, me personally?” Ransom asks, trying to figure out what Dex’s angle is. “Or are you asking about captains in general?”

“Captains in general,” Dex prompts.

Ransom tries to answer quickly but it’s difficult for him to figure out what Dex is really trying to ask here so he doesn’t know what approach he needs to take to get them on the same page. 

“I guess it depends on the people,” Ransom offers. “I want to say standard procedure is no but every situation is different. People know each other differently.” Dex nods slowly like he’s accepting this, his eyebrows pulled together as he processes. Ransom drags out his next question slowly, “Why?” 

Dex shakes his head. 

But Dex flipped out on Holster on the ice, and Dex is asking about captains dating teammates... maybe he thinks Holster is doing that?

Ransom’s just about to prompt him when Dex whispers, “Can I ask you something?”

Despite the way his stomach clenches he nods. “Anything.”

Dex doesn’t speak right away. In fact, the silence is so heavy that it only serves to makes Ransom ache. But finally Dex takes a deep breath and turns to look Ransom in the eyes again. “Are Holster and Nursey together?” 

Ransom is so thrown off by the question he doesn’t know how to react. It comes out as a choked laugh, so strangled that it actually hurts. “What?” he rasps. “Like--dating?” Ransom’s shaking his head at once, trying to get control of whatever emotion is running rampant inside of him right now, thankful this is coming out as laughter instead of anything else. “No! I--no! Why would they--why...?”

Dex’s face flashes with something Ransom can’t read and he looks down. Any sense of humor that Ransom was clinging to is gone in an instant. “I don’t know,” Dex rushes, quiet.

This is serious.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Ransom says slowly. When Dex doesn’t respond he pushes, “Why would you ask me that?” 

Dex shrugs. “I figured you would know."

“You figured I would--?” Ransom tries again, still confused. Dex’s face remains blank. This is _really_ serious. This is why Dex shouted at Holster? “What’s going on?” Ransom finally asks slowly. He’s good at puzzles but only when he knows what the pieces look like. “And no bullshit.” 

Dex looks down again, eyes on the floor. “Nursey has a friends with benefits thing going on,” he explains quietly. “And I saw Holster at his dorm a few times. And it… made me mad that Nursey wouldn’t tell me that, and it got directed at Holster.” It’s a d-men thing. Ransom gets it. Then, quickly, “Even if Holster’s not the person Nursey’s with.” 

“He’s not,” Ransom rushes, but as he does the words stick in his throat. “They’re not.” 

Dex looks over to him, studying Ransom’s face like he’s really looking for the answer that he wants. “But you don’t know for sure,” Dex prompts. 

Ransom doesn’t know how to respond. Somehow his brain latches onto, “This isn’t about Holster. Or Nursey. It’s about you and the attitude you can’t bring to the ice.”

Dex exhales, short. “Yeah. I know.” Softer, “I know, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Ransom answers easily. It feels like the right thing to say, but he can’t be sure. He’s pretty confused and feeling very off-balanced himself. “Are you upset about it maybe being Holtz? Or--”

“I don’t know,” Dex interrupts him before he can ask about Nursey directly. “I just didn’t sleep great last night,” he reasons.

“Okay,” Ransom says with a nod. 

Dex nods too. Then they’re just looking at each other but the air between them is charged with something that kind of makes Ransom nauseous. 

“I’ll apologize to Holster,” Dex finally says.

“Good.” That was part of the reason they needed to have this conversation anyway. But now it feels like there’s a bigger conversation that’s being had that Ranson hasn’t been privy to. He’d been going into this expecting to use his Captain Voice and have a serious talk with Dex about misplaced anger but now it feels pointless. “I would know,” Ransom tries to reason. “If anything was--and it’s not.”

Softly Dex says, “Sure.” And then even softer, “Don’t say anything?”

It’s a Big Ask. For Ransom to not say anything to Holster about why Dex flipped out on him on the ice means keeping a secret that Ransom doesn’t really want to keep. But at the same time, the idea of having a conversation about this with Holster is super mortifying. 

Because what if it’s true?

Dex is acting like it’s true. Dex seems to be pretty fucking torn up over this possibility, and why would he be this worked up over a rumor?

“I won’t,” Ransom promises.

“I’m sorry Rans,” Dex whispers. 

It’s not true! 

Ransom wants to scream it. He can feel the words vibrating in his chest. It’s not true, Holster and Nursey definitely aren’t secretly having sex or dating or anything.

No way is it true.

“It’s okay,” Ransom offers. 

“I know you--” Dex starts, but when Ransom arches an involuntary eyebrow at him, Dex stops. “I’m sorry,” he rushes again, looking down. 

Ransom says something else about behavior on the ice but eventually he just lets Dex off easy.

Of course it’s not true. Holster and Nursey are friends but they’re not close enough to start dating, right? Like if Holtz was going to date anyone on the team then it would probably be Ransom, he feels like.

Or, well, Dex didn’t say dating. He asked about dating but said Nursey has a fuck buddy. So is Holtz the fuck buddy? Would Holtz do that? Maybe. He doesn’t think things through sometimes. Not that fucking Nursey should be thought through at all because _what_.

But Nursey’s hot. And he and Holtz do get along really well. 

Well--no!

No.

He checks his phone--no texts from Holster--and grabs his things before heading out of Faber. 

He feels weird.

Like, bad weird. And he can’t shake it.

Ransom knows his anxiety is starting to kick in when he has more of an urge to run to the Haus than anything else, but he makes himself walk. Deep breaths, one foot in front of the other, head down. It’s still early and campus is still waking up but because of practice he knows everyone in the Haus is up and getting started with their day. 

If Holster didn’t have that thing with his professor, Ransom would text him. He should text him anyway. _hey dude lol you’ll never guess what dex said when i talked to him_. It’d be an easy text to send, if he actually wanted to send it.

But instead he ends up at Lardo’s door. 

“Done talking to Dex already?” she asks as she lets him in. “Did you get the stick out of his ass?” 

Lardo’s working on some giant canvas right now. She says that she does her best work when she’s too tired to be functional, which often is right after morning practice. 

“Maybe,” Ransom murmurs. 

“I’m thinking it needs more blue,” Lardo says, gesturing to the canvas she has on her easel. This is always how she calms him down. Talks about art. It’s strangely therapeutic. Must mean something insane is written all over his face if she knows to just ease into it. “Kind of like when you’ve got a cup of black coffee and you pour in a little creamer and it does the thing.” She makes a shape with her hands and somehow, Ransom understands. “Or maybe orange?” 

Ransom doesn’t know what her piece is supposed to be for at all but offers, “Blue.”

“First instinct,” Lardo agrees, pointing to him in agreement. She moves back to her canvas and tips her head to the side. “Second instinct?”

“Do you think Holtz is seeing someone?”

Lardo whirls back around to face him. “What?” 

“Like--secretly.” 

Lardo’s face remains a mask of confusion, so if she knows anything she’s really good at hiding it. “Not that I’m aware of?” She shrugs a little. “But.”

“But?” 

“No but,” Lardo corrects, shaking her head. “I don’t know why I said that.” Ransom narrows his eyes at her. “He was acting weird the other day.”

“What day?”

“When you had March over,” she says. Ransom blinks a few times, waiting for her to continue. “It was like, the end of the world if you two were hooking up. But then he got a text and totally flipped like it didn’t matter.” She shakes her head. “Thought he was just being Holtz, but.”

“But,” Ransom echoes quietly. Holtz was out late that night, he remembers, because March left earlier than expected and Holster was gone for what felt like ages. Ransom ended up even getting in bed while waiting up. “Should I ask him? He’s never… kept something from me,” Ransom says. “We don’t do secrets. We never have.”

“So then he’s not secretly seeing someone,” Lardo concludes. 

“But what if he is,” Ransom pushes. “Why is it a secret? Why wouldn’t he tell me?” 

“He’s not secretly seeing someone,” Lardo says again. “Where did this idea even come from?” 

Ransom drops his head into his hands. “Dex,” he admits. “He said he thinks something’s going on with Holtz and _Nursey_.”

“Hell yeah, Holtzy,” Lardo says with a grin. “Good on him.” Ransom looks up at her instantly, narrowing his eyes. “I mean, Nursey’s great, Rans! If Holster really is in some secret relationship and it’s with _Nursey_ then like--fine, I guess I’d get why it was secret in the first place? But Holtz deserves that!” 

He does deserve that. Of course he deserves that. Ransom hangs his head and sighs. 

“But why wouldn’t he tell me?” Ransom whispers again. 

Lardo settles down on the bed beside him. “He would,” she says firmly. “If it was important, of course Adam would tell you,” Lardo says. She grabs his hand and Ransom feels grounded in a moment. He exhales deeply and nods. “People start hanging out more for no reason all the time,” Lardo says, still holding his hand. “They watch the same TV shows. Or find out their class schedules line up. Like… Dex and Bitty _bake_.” 

Ransom laughs, squeezing her fingertips. “Yeah. You’re right. Thanks, Lards.”

“And if you’re worried,” she says, easing off the bed and back toward her art, “then just ask him, dude. He’ll tell you anything.”

Ransom nods and lets go of her hand. “No, I know. I don’t want him to think I’m talking about him though.” 

Lardo nods. Even though she’s back by her canvas she isn’t painting, she’s still looking at Ransom. He can feel it, even though he won’t look back. They’re both quiet. 

“Rans,” she says.

“Yeah?”

Again she’s quiet. “You and Holtz,” she says slowly. This morning has been stressful. Ransom feels like he’s going to start crying. “Hey, hey,” Lardo’s back at his side in an instant. “Ransom,” she says brightly. “Rans!” Lardo laughs a little but Ransom is fighting to blink back tears. “Do you have feelings for him?”

Ransom sniffles. “Fuck, Lards, I feel like I’m back in elementary school.” Lardo laughs again but there’s nothing teasing about it. She looks seriously, genuinely happy, and something about that eases the knot in his chest. He takes a deep breath. He’s got to talk about it--he’s going out of his fucking mind. “Okay. Yes,” he says. Ransom reaches up to wipe at his eyes. “I have feelings for him.”

Lardo’s still grinning. “Seriously?” 

“Seriously,” Ransom says. 

She reaches for his hand again. “Dude.” 

Finally he cracks. He squeezes her hand and allows himself a smile. “It’s a mess.”

“It’s a mess?” Lardo asks. “It’s not a mess! It’s _you and Holtz!_ ” Ransom shakes his head a little but Lardo nods. “C’mon, Rans, this is amazing!” Her voice is full of both excitement and comfort and there’s something incredibly calming about it. It makes him feel hopeful. She’s a little singsongy when she says, “ _You like Holtzy_.”

“I do, I do,” Ransom rushes, reaching up to cover his face. There’s a groan lodged in his throat but he can’t stop smiling now either. 

“What happened? Tell me everything.” 

“We made out last year,” Ransom tells her. “We were drunk and…” he trails off, feeling breathless. “I wasn’t really thinking, you know? I’ve made out with my friends drunk before. But then it was…” Ransom holds his hand to his chest, fingers curling against his shirt. 

It was everything.

It made more sense than Ransom knew possible. 

It was the most terrifying thing that had ever happened to him. 

“Overnight it felt like something had changed,” Ransom tries to explain. “But I didn’t know what. I mean I did, but I was so _scared_ and I…” he feels sick. Ransom shakes his head but Lardo reaches for his hand, twisting their fingers together. “Holtz tried bringing it up at the next party and I snapped at him. I think maybe…” Ransom makes himself breathe. “Maybe he had feelings for me then?”

“Maybe he did,” Lardo agrees softly.

“But it’s not like I could expect him to wait for me. So I panicked and I told him that we would never happen.” 

Lardo nods slowly. “Okay. So things have changed for you. Feelings are crazy, Rans, it happens all the time.” Still, he shakes his head. “What are you most afraid of?” 

Ransom doesn’t understand. He thought it was clear. “Losing him.”

“But how?” 

“I tell him how I feel and he doesn’t feel the same. Because if he doesn’t feel the same then--” Ransom’s lungs squeeze tight. “Then I won’t know how to talk to him anymore,” he nearly gasps. “Or be around him, because then what the fuck are we doing, Lards, and--”

“Hey, I know, I know,” she soothes him. 

But she doesn’t know. Lardo doesn’t know how they talk to one another, how they exist in one another’s space. No one really knows the full extent of how entwined Holster and Ransom are with one another. 

“What if I missed my chance?” Ransom croaks. “I mean I--I had my stupid realization--”

“Not stupid,” Lardo cuts him off.

“--and complete internal meltdown that took some time to process. And--” he huffs. “Maybe the fact that Holtz is also _a dude_ just had some acceptance I had to work through too.” Ransom’s known he’s bisexual for what feels like forever, but the reality of being with a guy is something he’s never really sat with. Making out at parties with hot dudes isn’t the same as a relationship, and that adjustment takes time. He is an Actual Bisexual Disaster. “And I tried saying something the other day at the party but I was drunk it came out all wrong, and--”

“You didn’t miss your chance,” Lardo stops him. 

“And now Nursey,” Ransom says anyway. Even Lardo had been hyped about the possibility of Holster and Nurse just minutes ago. “If they’re good together…” 

Lardo shoves him. “In what universe would Holster and Nursey being together make more sense than him being with you?” she asks.

“This one! Apparently!”

“So I’ll find out,” Lardo decides. “And we’ll go from there.” 

Ransom takes a deep, shuddering breath. “Nothing’s going on with him and Nursey,” he decides. Lardo laughs a little, shaking her head. “He would tell me,” Ransom finally agrees. 

“I really think so too,” Lardo admits. Ransom takes another breath. “This all came from Dex?” 

Ransom thinks about his meltdown regarding Holster and All Of The Above and pauses, wondering about Dex. He won’t make assumptions, knows that d-men bonds are special, but there’s a small section of his brain that has roped off Dex’s behavior today in with him only acting that way because Nursey has a fuck buddy.

Or maybe he was mad because he thinks the fuck buddy is Holster. Then is he mad about it being a guy? Being Holster? Being his captain? Mad because Nursey just didn’t tell him? Mad because it was a secret at all? 

No, Ransom won’t make assumptions. There are lots of reasons that Dex could’ve reacted the way that he did.

“It’s ridiculous,” Ransom decides. Lardo nods in agreement. “Can I hang in here for a bit?” 

Lardo gets back to work and Ransom stretches out on her bed letting her turn her music back up. He feels better, but only kind of. He thinks more than anything that he needs to see Holster, but he’s with his professor and wouldn’t know what to say anyway. Ransom spends the morning on his side, watching Lardo create magic in front of his eyes until his heartbeat settles. 

The only reason Ransom remembers that he has lunch with Nursey is because he set an alert on his phone that chimes just as he’s finally settled back into his skin.

“Fuck,” he murmurs, swiping the reminder away. 

Lardo glances over her shoulder. “What?” she asks.

 **Ransom**  
hey nursey!!  
we still doing lunch?

“Nothing,” Ransom murmurs, quiet. He doesn’t want to make this any more complicated for Lardo than it has to be. Balancing friendships and the secrets between them is never easy and he doesn’t want to put any more weight on her than he already has. “Forgot about something.”

 **Nursey**  
RANS  
I FUCKING FORGOT

“Oh thank God,” Ransom exhales. He can reschedule with Nursey but absolutely cannot handle getting lunch with him today. He looks up to Lardo and hesitates. “I’m gonna go?” She nods, shooing him toward the door and hopping off the bed to walk back for her canvas all in one fluid motion. “Love you, Lards.”

“I know,” she says, winking. “Love you too.”

Outside her door, he dials Holster.

* * *

Ransom said nothing was going on.

If Ransom said that nothing was going on, then nothing’s going on! It’s that simple, really. It has to be. Ransom and Holster are Holster and Ransom and if Ransom doesn’t know about it, there’s nothing to know.

Right? 

Dex can’t be sure. He wants to trust Ransom, and generally Ransom saying I Know This Thing About Holster Is Not True would calm him down completely, but for some reason it’s not enough. Maybe because of the small (but still noticeable) wrinkle between Ransom’s eyebrows as Dex explained the situation. Maybe it was the way Ransom fled afterwards. 

Either way, Dex doesn’t feel any better.

But Ransom was right, he owes Holster an apology. 

After leaving Ransom in Faber, Dex goes to the computer lab to get some coding done. It’s not a great distraction and he doesn’t get a lot done but it feels better than sitting in his room wallowing over something that might not even be true.

 **Nursey  
**hi

Dex tries to not let Nursey’s text distract him but it makes focusing even more difficult. Eventually he caves.

 **Dex  
**Can I help you

 **Nursey**  
i do not require help  
but you might  
how are you doing

Dex exhales and sinks backwards in his seat. He owes Chowder a conversation seeing as theirs got cut short when Ransom called, and he owes Holster an apology, but more than anything he just wants to see Nursey. 

 **Dex  
**Just have a lot going on

 **Nursey**  
🍁🚬❓  
my afternoon class got cancelled and i know you don’t have anything today  
C too?

 **Dex  
**When? 

 **Nursey  
**let me text you

Half an hour later Dex gets the text. He packed up all of his things in the computer lab and started toward Nursey’s dorm, and this of course is when he runs into Holster. 

They’re walking on opposite sides of the path and Holster doesn’t notice him but Dex wants to do this now so he doesn’t have to do it later. He takes a deep breath before shouting, “Holster!”

Holster startles, searches until he finds Dex, and then paints on a face of neutrality. They both veer off to the side so they can meet in the middle but Holster stays blank. 

“I don’t have a lot of time right now,” Holster says slowly.

“That’s okay,” Dex rushes. The faster he can get through this the better. “I mean--we can always talk later too but I just wanted to say that I really am sorry about this morning.”

Holster exhales and with it some of the tension in his shoulders fades. “Just caught me off-guard, you know?” Dex nods, looking down to the ground. “Here I am just trying to see how you’re doing and you tell me to fuck off. Feels shitty, man.”

“I know,” Dex says quietly. 

“And in front of the whole team. Now what’s that got people thinking about how I can captain all of you, do you think?”

Dex’s chest clenches. “I wasn’t trying to undermine you,” he carries on. “I think if anyone had asked I would’ve reacted the same, but.”

“But it _was_ me,” Holster agrees with a nod. Dex’s face burns, his anger and frustration from this morning drown out with shame. He’s exhausted. Why is all of this so exhausting? “I get it, man,” Holster says easily. “Sometimes we have shit going on. But try not to flip out on the people who care about you, yeah?”

The insinuation that Holster cares about Dex makes him feel even more shameful than before. “Yeah,” he echoes quietly.

And then Holster goes out and says it. “No, I care about you.” Clear as day. “You know that?”

Dex’s ears burn. “Sure.”

“No, say yeah,” Holster says with a chuckle.

“I know, I know,” Dex murmurs quietly, hoping that’s enough. Holster rolls his eyes a little but his smile is back, which make Dex think he’s in the clear. “Thanks, Holster.” 

Holster reaches up and squeezes Dex’s shoulder once. “Here whenever you need me,” Holster tells him, and it makes it harder for Dex to breathe because he _believes_ Holster. Just like he knew Ransom was sincere, he knows Holster is too. “But next time you tell me to fuck off it’s not gonna be this easy, clear?”

“Crystal.” 

Holster pats his shoulder again. “Good. But hey, I’ve really got to go.” He starts edging away from Dex who nods in response. “And I mean it, man. You ever wanna talk about anything…”

“For sure.” 

Holster tips his head at Dex before hurrying off in the direction of the Haus.

(Dex tries very hard not to think about how Holster was coming from the on-campus dorms.)

* * *

Holster spends most of his morning thinking about Ransom.

He thinks about Ransom on his walk to his professor’s office. Without Ransom’s encouragement Holster doesn’t know if he’d even have this meeting. And without Ransom handling the whole Dex Flip Out situation, Holster’s brain would be somewhere else completely. But because of him Holster can keep his thoughts focused on getting through this conversation.

And when Holster’s professor greets him with a smile and tells him that he can really see the effort being put into this, Holster thinks about Ransom. Holster _did_ work hard on this, but Ransom coached him through it and acted as his sounding board and encouraged him along.

And when his professor officially approves the bonus paper and topic, Holster thinks about Ransom, because once he does this paper he won’t have to worry about graduation and Ransom moving on without him.

And later after office hours, when Nursey’s on his knees in front of him, Holster’s still thinking about Ransom.

Even after, in Nursey’s bed while Holster’s trying to focus on the moment and the man who is actually in front of him, Ransom comes to his thoughts once more. 

Nursey’s rambling about Dex again, trying to figure out what could be wrong, so Holster can’t help but think about how Ransom’s talk with Dex went this morning. He never got any texts saying anything, which might be even weirder, now that he thinks about it.

Guilt starts to simmer below his skin.

He’d been thinking about Ransom all fucking morning, how did he end up here in bed with Nursey? 

“Like I said, it could be anything,” Holster finally interrupts Nursey’s rant, forcing himself back into the conversation as to not think about Ransom. “You can’t beat yourself up. You just have to be a good friend to him.”

Nursey exhales. “Yeah. I know.” He looks to Holster, eyebrows high on his forehead. “You shouldn’t beat yourself up either, you know.”

“I’m not,” Holster tells him. Maybe he did on the ice for a second but that was mostly due to being startled about the outburst. The whole thing felt like a personal attack, but with some time (and some coffee) it feels more like Dex just has stuff going on. He’ll confirm with Ransom later, but Holster’s not thinking about Ransom right now. “You gonna check in on him?”

“If he lets me,” Nursey responds. “I already texted him, we’ll hang out once I get you out of here.”

Holster snorts. “You invited me,” he reminds Nursey.

“Uh-huh.” Then he groans. “Ugh! Things have been going so well,” Nursey laments. 

“With Dex?” Nursey heaves another sigh. Holster hesitates. “Have you been thinking…” he trails off. They both turn so they’re looking at one another. “Sometimes it sounds like it’s more than… platonic,” Holster offers. “Between you two.” 

Nursey sighs and shutters up. “I mean, I don’t know. I don’t want to read into anything.” Back to the ceiling Nursey admits, “He avoided pronouns the other day. When talking about someone he hooked up with.”

“Oh?” Holster questions. 

“And yeah, I mean--that’s why it’s so hard to let him go, because, like.” Nursey squeezes his eyes shut. “It doesn’t _feel_ platonic. But is that just me making things out to be bigger than they are because _fuck_ Adam I want that so bad or like--”

“I know,” Holster soothes. Nursey sighs again. “We don’t need to get into it but I mean like--maybe he _is_ trying to figure things out?” Nursey’s mouth quirks to the side like he’s thinking about it. “Attraction-wise, I mean.”

“Maybe,” Nursey agrees quietly. 

“I just don’t think you should count yourself out yet,” he encourages. 

Nursey falls back to silence, and as they wait for someone to speak again the soft hum of one of their phones vibrating somewhere fills the room. Nursey glances over his shoulder and grabs his phone from the top of the dresser.

“Dex?” Holster teases.

Nursey taps out a quick response to a text, wide eyes darting over to Holster as he does. “Nah.”

He’s only set his phone down back down for a second when Holster’s phone starts buzzing too. Nursey leans back to the dresser to grab it and passes it over.

Ransom’s calling.

No words are exchanged as Holster accepts the phone but when he swipes to pick it up the silence from Nursey is almost spooky.

“Hey,” Holster answers. 

“Hey,” Ransom greets quietly. “How’d it go?”

Holster exhales the tight ball wound inside of him. “Good,” he rushes. “Sorry, should’ve called you right away. No, it’s basically best case scenario for me, Rans.”

“Oh, great. Where’re you now?” 

“I’m, uh…” Holster struggles for words. “I’m on my way back to the Haus,” he lies, looking into Nursey’s eyes. “What’s up?” 

It’s then that Holster realizes Ransom’s voice sounds small. “Feel weird.” Over the racing of his heart to see Ransom’s name on his phone while in bed with Nursey he didn’t pick-up the warning signs. No texts, pretty muted. “I don’t know.”

Holster starts shifting out of bed and Nursey moves to make room for him. “I’ll meet you,” he rushes. “Be at the Haus in 15. No--10.”

“Could we go somewhere?” Ransom asks. 

“Grab my keys,” Holster answers. “Wherever you want.” He wiggles into his boxers and tugs on his sweats, chest in flames from guilt. “I’ll see you soon?”

“Yeah.” 

They hang up and Holster rushes to finish getting dressed. “Rans?” Nursey asks, even though he knows the answer. “He okay?”

“Not sure,” Holster admits, which he hates. 

He should’ve gone back to the Haus after his meeting--why did he go to Nursey’s? To get his dick sucked? He should’ve immediately gone to Ransom to tell him how appreciative he is of him, that his professor is all for it, that Ransom is the most incredible man to ever exist and Holster is incredibly grateful for him. 

Maybe the meeting with Dex went to shit, or maybe Ransom got hit with a panic attack, or maybe--

“Well go, go,” Nursey says as he shoos him toward the door. “Really!” 

Holster scoops up his backpack from where he left it by the door and hesitates. For a moment, he and Nursey are just looking at each other. But Nursey just seems flustered at Holster jumping up, not torn apart inside with guilt.

“Nurse,” Holster murmurs. “I don’t want to lie to him.”

* * *

Nursey hadn’t realized how his arrangement with Holster was affecting Holster. 

Standing in front of him now, Holster looks exhausted. Tired, sad, scared, a whole slew of guilty characteristics scrunched up on his face that never really came with their arrangement before.

“You want to tell him about this?” Nursey asks, gesturing between them. Holster doesn’t react or respond in any way that helps Nursey find an answer. “I mean you can,” Nursey rushes. “You were the one who wanted to keep it on the DL.”

“I know,” Holster hurries. “But…” his eyebrows wrinkle and suddenly Nursey aches. “I don’t know. I gotta go.”

“Text me?” Nursey offers. Holster nods as he slips out the door, but just as there were new feelings on Holster’s face all of a sudden, there’s something new heavy inside of Nursey too.

He doesn’t want to put words to it yet.

* * *

Ransom’s waiting on the porch when Holster finally gets to the Haus. He looks worried in ways that make Ransom feel guilty because there shouldn’t be any reason for anyone to worry at all. 

He doesn’t wait for Holster to reach him but instead moves toward him without words, knowing Holster’s parked up the street somewhere close. 

“Want to talk about it?” Holster asks when they reach one another’s side. His hand grasps Ransom’s and he knows it’s not an excuse to grab the keys because Ransom doesn’t have them out yet. Ransom jerks his head to the side and Holster squeezes his fingertips again before dropping his hand back to his side. “You want to drive?”

“Nah.”

When they get to Holster’s jeep, even just having Holster in his space is calming in ways that Ransom knows is ridiculous. They idle for a bit while Holster taps some directions into his phone and Ransom doesn’t care enough to ask where they’re headed when Holtz eventually starts to drive.

He should just ask. That’s what the rational part of brain is telling him to do. He doesn’t even have to bring Dex into it at all, if he’s worried about it. 

And then, like the universe knows, Holster says, “Ran into Dex on my walk home.” Ransom keeps his eyes on the road in front of them even as Holster glances in his direction because he doesn’t know what Holtz will see on his face. Fear, maybe, or panic or stress or terror. “You must’ve gotten through to him because he apologized.”

Ransom’s voice is not too high when he says, “Yeah?”

“Yeah. He didn’t say what was going on but I was in a rush to get back to you, so.”

Something in Ransom’s chest cracks and floods him with cool relief, like going to the rink on a hot summer day. He exhales and tips his head in Holster’s direction with the smallest of smiles. Holster turns to look at him again and when their eyes meet, he smiles too.

“What?” Holster asks, but Ransom shakes his head gently. Why does he ever worry? Just one look at Holster soothes every sharp edge Ransom has. “He tell you what was going on?” he prompts when Ransom doesn’t answer.

“It’s nothing,” Ransom tells him. “Rough night. You know how can Dex can be.”

“Yeah, that’s true.” 

“Might have some personal stuff going on,” Ransom explains, to which Holster nods. And then a lie. “Didn’t get too detailed.”

“Yeah, I figured. Sometimes it’s like Dex bottles everything up for forever and then just explodes when it’s too much.”

Exactly. See, nothing going on with Nursey and Holster. Nursey hasn’t even been mentioned! 

“Yeah,” Ransom agrees quietly. 

Holster looks over to him again, concern on his face, but he doesn’t push. “So what’d you do after you talked to Dex?” Holster asks. 

Ransom knows that Holtz is trying to keep him engaged without digging too much into the unsettling feeling between them, keep him talking without letting his own thoughts bog him down, but now he’s thinking about Lardo and that conversation with Lardo and Holster and Nursey and it’s just an unending loop, apparently. 

“Lards let me hang,” Ransom says. 

Holster nods, waiting for more, but when there is none he prompts again. “Any plans for the rest of your day?”

Might as well bring it up while he’s thinking about him. “Nursey and I had lunch plans,” Ransom says evenly, “but he forgot, so.” 

Holster doesn’t react in any meaningful way. “Typical.”

“Yeah,” Ransom manages a laugh. More forced than anything, but he’s trying. “At least I have you.” 

When Holster smiles the world stills long enough to remind Ransom how to breathe. He has nothing to worry about. Ransom smiles, too. 

* * *

That night in bed Ransom drafts and deletes a text at least fifteen times before he hears Holster snoring on his bunk beneath him. 

Ransom sighs. He holds his phone against his chest and squeezes his eyes shut. _Why_ is he so fucking worried? Holtz would say something to him if there was a secret thing happening. There’s nothing happening. There’s been no change in their friendship or the way that Holster looks at him. No difference in how Holster smiles in Ransom’s direction or reaches for Ransom’s hand. 

Today was totally normal. They drove to a nearby town and explored some old shops and spent way longer in an antique store than they should’ve before getting chased out by the owner and every single time Ransom looked at Holster it felt like the sky was clearing up above him.

There’s nothing to worry about.

Except that thing Lardo said about Holster that one night March came over. And pretty much everything Dex said.

Except what did Dex say, really? 

He drafts another text. 

If it bothers him so much he should just ask Holster. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Ransom can be casual, if he thinks about it. Or, well, casual about this. Because maybe Holster is sleeping with Nursey so he’d have to be casual about it anyway, and--

He knows that he should just ask Holster.

But today was so good! Why would Ransom go out of his way to ruin today’s soft joy with his anxiety? 

That’s all this is! Anxiety! The rolling of his stomach, the stray thoughts that make him second guess things. Ransom is well trained in his own anxiety and he knows how it functions and manipulates him and blows things out of proportion.

But.

Ransom hits send. 

 **Ransom  
**do you remember what night you saw holster at nursey’s?

He gets a text back almost immediately. 

 **Dex  
**I could figure it out. 

Ransom drops his phone back down to his chest and tries to stop his heart from racing. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to command sleep but Holster’s snoring and it’s the kind of snoring that doesn’t settle Ransom but keeps him up and he shouldn’t have texted Dex. Guilt and regret flood him in waves.

His phone buzzes again. 

 **Dex  
**Couple of Tuesdays ago. I worked a late tech shift and caught him on his way out. 

Fuck fuck fuck no.

No.

He should go to bed. He should not do this. This is not good for him or his brain or his friendship or his emotional stability in the slightest. Because March came over on a Tuesday because it’s the one night they don’t have late volleyball practice and that was just a few weeks back.

But Holster being at Nursey’s doesn’t _mean_ anything. Not necessarily. So Dex has to have more context, something about this fuck buddy that Nursey has or another dorm encounter that would help clear it up for him.

Ransom needs to go to sleep.

He should really go to sleep.

 **Ransom  
**tell me more about your theory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on twitter/tumblr @jennybeantime. not all angst forever, i promise!! thanks for reading if you're still around, leave some love if you can


	7. i don't really wanna talk about it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After blowing-up on the ice, the Frogs have gathered to decompress a little. Then, some friends go to lunch and realize some Things. Separately, Lardo has a conversation with Holster, who's also realizing some unexpected things. Nursey's roommate Ty makes his first appearance. Mostly everyone's a little overwhelmed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just trust me
> 
> (also did you notice i went back and added chapter titles and weird summaries lol) 
> 
> hi, sorry it's been so long! rereading the last chapter (or two) might help put you in the right uh reading frame for this chapter. also why do they smoke weed so much whoops sorry. enjoy!
> 
> PS - skimming for typos now, reading for typos tomorrow. thanks for being patient in the meantime. also big shoutout to syd for being my cheerleader this go around!!

After getting the stuff from Nursey’s dorm they actually head back to the Haus to smoke. It kills more time, at least, and even though there’s a strained silence between Nursey and Dex as they walk it’s not as bad as it could be. It’s some sort of miracle that Nursey waits until all three of them all properly stoned before bringing up Dex’s show on the ice at practice. 

“I’ll get some water,” Chowder offers, eyes wide and suspicious in Dex’s direction before he stands and gives the two of them some space. 

_Do you have a secret?_

Chowder closes his door completely when he leaves because they’ve been smoking and he doesn’t want to make it any worse for the rest of the Haus if he can help it, but even with the door shut Dex feels like someone else is listening in. 

(Holster and Ransom’s room is only just upstairs. Chowder says they're out, though.)

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Nursey says once the steps have creaked enough that they both know Chowder’s out of earshot. “I just worry about you.” 

Like Holster, like Ransom. Everyone’s always worrying.

Weed hasn’t helped his spiral much.

Dex drops his face down into his hands and rubs at his eyes with a groan. “It’ll be fine,” Dex finally offers. “I overreacted to the wrong people.” 

Nursey considers this before taking another hit from the bong. Dex only watches Nursey exhale all of the smoke because Nursey doesn’t look at him. It’s absolutely sinful. “Who are the right people?” Nursey asks once he’s done.

 _Wish I could tell you_ , Dex thinks.

Nursey’s being genuine. He’s just checking in with Dex and wanting to make sure things are okay. It makes Dex’s chest ache like the relentless beat of the waves on the shore and he worries it will never go away. 

“It’s home stuff,” Dex tells him.

Which is sort of true. Having feelings for Nursey--being gay--it’s not something he’s told to his people in Maine yet. His parents, his brother, none of them have any idea the emotional toil that Dex is constantly going through. 

His blow-up at Holster just made things more real for him. These feelings for Nursey, for this beautiful man, they’re something he wants to call home about.

And he can’t.

“What kind of home stuff?”

Dex gives him another half-truth. “Stuff that they won’t understand.” 

Nursey’s face flickers with something Dex wants to liken to concern but the anxiety in his chest hitches and overwhelms him instead. Maybe that’s giving too much of himself away. Maybe Nursey’s unraveling Dex as they sit in the silence that follows. 

“I could understand,” Nursey eventually offers. 

He would. That’s the pain of it, really. That Nursey would understand absolutely all of this. That if Dex laid it all out for him--his feelings, his sexuality, his snooping--Nursey wouldn’t _actually_ think Dex is insane. Whether things with Holster are true or not, whether Nursey would even dare to feel the same, none of it actually matters because Nursey would probably be super respectful of all the things that Dex is going through and feeling. 

“Yeah,” Dex settles with. 

Chowder returns a few beats later with three cups of water, one for each of them. 

The afternoon stretches into evening and without practice it’s easy to spend time lounging around Chowder’s room. They talk about Chowder and Farmer and they talk about class and they talk about their teammates. It’s all easy conversation that Dex can’t help but think feels especially hollow. Like they’re being careful for him.

All three of them decide to go to the dining hall for dinner because even though Chowder lives in the Haus they’ve all got unlimited meals for being on the hockey team. This way they don’t have to do dishes.

Dex and Chowder both just grab whatever’s at the buffet but Nursey makes his rounds like he always does, taking a little from here and a little from there. The two of them settle into a booth while Nursey roams and Dex knows right away that Chowder isn’t going to waste any time.

“Should I be worried?” he asks.

“No,” Dex answers.

“What kind of secret are we talking?” Chowder pushes. Dex scans the room but Nursey’s still out of sight. “Is someone going to get hurt?”

Dex exhales, thinking about how complicated all of this already is, and tells Chowder the truth. “Probably.”

Chowder’s face wrinkles with worry. “Tell me that it won’t be you.”

Nursey appears before Dex can answer but the look in Chowder’s eyes means he knows the answer. 

Of course it’ll be Dex who gets hurt in all of this. Things never work out for him and this is already falling apart. 

Every time Chowder tries to make eye contact with Dex he shakes him off. It’s _fine_. It’s going to be fine because it has to be. Things always turn out fine. 

When they leave the dining hall that night, Chowder lingers, eyes on Dex like he’s unsure about leaving him. Nursey notices, eyes shifting between the two of them like he’s waiting for someone to say something.

“Night, Chowder,” Dex finally says pointedly.

Chowder nods but doesn’t look happy about it. “See you guys tomorrow,” he says.

Nursey and Dex start off for the dorms, a shorter walk for them than it will be for Chowder, but neither of them speak. “Is Chowder okay?” Nursey eventually asks. 

“What do you mean?”

Nursey shakes his head in response. “Nothing.” 

They go the rest of the way without talking. Dex’s dorm comes up first and he’s just going to keep walking when Nursey stops them before the building is just out of view, just out of the way of more student traffic. 

“Dex,” he says gently, hesitating. They’re far enough away that they really feel alone and Dex wants to drag it out. So he pauses, even though he’s terrified to. “Could I hug you?” 

Nursey is too good for him. 

“You don’t have to,” Dex rasps. 

Nursey shakes his head, looking down toward their shoes before up to Dex again. “I want to.” 

When Dex doesn’t say no Nursey takes a slight step toward him, and at the smallest nod of his head Nursey’s there, arms wound around him so tightly it’s as though he’s trying to snap Dex’s pieces back into place. Dex wants to bury his face in Nursey’s neck, wants to press his hands firm against Nursey’s back and soak up this moment as long as he possibly can. He twists a little to hide his face and feels Nursey’s breath against his ear. 

“Nursey,” Dex exhales, tight, and Nursey hums in response. His throat is thick when he asks, “Are you happy?” 

Nursey pulls back but somehow still keeps Dex in his arm. Close enough that all Dex wants to do is stare at Nursey’s mouth and will it against his own. 

“Am I happy?” Nursey echoes back, his mouth curving into a little smile. “Like, right now?” he asks. “Or in general?” 

Dex’s face feels warm. “I don’t know. Both.” 

Nursey’s smile is so warm that Dex doesn’t understand how there are parts of him that are still frozen over. Long exposure to Nursey like this should thaw something in him.

(It does. It _has_.)

“Yeah,” Nursey whispers, nodding along. “I’m happy.” 

“Good,” Dex whispers back. “You deserve that.” Nursey’s smile blooms into something so beautiful Dex can’t stand the sight of it. His eyes shift to Dex’s lips and--it’s now that he has to flee. Nursey’s happy. There’s no reason for Dex to mess with that. “Goodnight,” Dex murmurs.

“Goodnight,” Nursey whispers back. 

When Dex hurries to his dorm, he doesn’t look back. 

That night, Ransom texts him.

 **Ransom** **  
** do you remember what night you saw holster at nursey’s?

Dex has a feeling that this is all going to end very, very poorly. 

* * *

Listen, it’s not that Ransom’s actually trying to ruin his own life.

He chooses more difficult classes and is his own worst critic when it comes to producing good work and sometimes goes out of his way to hurt his own feelings. But he’s not _trying_ to ruin his life. These are things that he actually does in an attempt to better his life.

Or at least this is what he’s telling himself currently. 

It’s just that if Holster and Nursey are actually dating/hooking up/something like he and Dex texted about a few nights ago, Ransom has A Lot to think about. 

Like, why does Holster sometimes look at Ransom like he’s figured out how to craft light out of thin air if there aren’t romantic feelings there? Or, if Nursey and Holster are fucking, why did Holster willingly squeeze himself to one side of his tiny ass bunkbed to make room for Ransom because the ghosts were at it again? 

It’s been almost a week since Dex yelled at Holster on the ice, almost a full _seven days_ since Dex told Ransom he thinks Holtz and Nursey might be sleeping together. They texted that night, compared notes, and then never spoke of it again.

Ransom hasn’t mentioned it to Holster. Dex hasn’t mentioned it to Ransom. 

It feels like the two of them, he and Dex, are just waiting for something to happen now to confirm their suspicions either way. Holster hasn’t been different, but Ransom’s tried to keep busier. But it’s _not_ because he’s trying to ruin his life, it’s because he’s trying to _fix--_

“You seem tired,” Nursey says, forcing Ransom back into the conversation. 

They’re at lunch.

When Nursey wanted to reschedule lunch as much as every instinct inside of Ransom was screaming for him to say no, he didn’t. He said yes. And they set a date. And here they are, sitting across from one another, Ransom thinking about Holster and Nursey while Nursey sits across from him. 

“Senior year,” Ransom reasons. 

“Yeah.” 

Nursey smiles a little, poking at his food with his fork. They’re mostly done now but Ransom mentioned he didn’t have class for a while and Nursey said the same so they’re just kind of hanging out, killing time. Ransom thinks he can feel tension between them but he’s almost certain that he’s making it up in his head and that Nursey doesn’t notice. 

Eventually Nursey tries again with, “Shitty mentioned everyone might be moving into his place.”

“Haus 2.0,” Ransom agrees. Lardo’s sold but Ransom still isn’t sure what he wants to do and isn’t sure where Holster where will want to be and what if he doesn’t want to be in the same place as Ransom? Or what if he wants to be closer to Nursey because they’re _dating_? Or-- “It’s still just a pipedream at this point,” he tells Nursey.

The four of them living in a house together is just a big fantasy. Life is bound to get in the way, the logical side of Ransom know this. 

“It’s good to have dreams, bro,” Nursey says. “Something to hope for.” 

“The _next_ stresses me out,” Ransom admits.

“So let’s talk about the now,” Nursey jeers. “What’ve you been up to? Are you dating?” 

The only reason Ransom doesn’t immediately meltdown at Jerry’s is because he’s been thinking about Holster and Nursey on loop for days just in case a scenario like the sorts were to unfold. He wasn’t exactly prepared for lunch with Nursey emotionally, but like, mentally he can totally do this. 

“Don’t have the time,” he answers easily. 

“Pffft. For love?” Nursey grins. “Everyone has time for love, Ransy.” 

“Well it’s not like people just fall in love in the blink of an eye, Nurse.”

“No, but--”

“But?”

Nursey shrugs. “I know some people who’d be great for you,” he teases.

Ransom rolls his eyes, so stuck in the show he’s putting on he forgets he shouldn’t ask, “Yeah, like who?”

“Like Holster,” Nursey says gently. 

Ransom feels everything still. In a moment he’s trying to re-evalute a million different thoughts that he’s had in the past few days. Like:

  1. If Holster and Nursey are dating then why would Nursey be talking about Holster and Ransom and Love and
  2. Other people see it. This thing between Holster and Ransom. Nursey included. Which means
  3. Nursey definitely couldn’t be making out with Holster if he can see that there are Feelings in here somewhere right?



“Don’t even start,” Ransom tries.

“Aw, you can’t be serious Rans. Holtz is kind and lovable and a great listener and no way in hell can you deny that he’s hot and--”

“Derek,” Ransom stops him, sharp. 

He doesn’t want to listen to Nursey ramble on about how great Holster is. He knows how great Holster is. Hearing it from Nursey under these circumstances doesn’t do anything to make any part of him feel any better.

In fact, Nursey’s eyes are clear and bright, like saying all of these wonderful things about Holster is easy (which it _should_ be, but why is it so easy for him?) just has Ransom back to square one of all of this. 

_Why is Nursey talking about Holster?!_

“Do you disagree?” Nursey asks. 

Ransom doesn’t know how to respond. He’d prepared himself for some things but not his best friend’s secret lover asking him why he isn’t in love with Holster. 

Maybe he should tell Nursey the truth. “Well no, but.”

“But?” Nursey prompts. 

He can’t tell Nursey the truth. What if they are fucking? Or worse, what if they’re not? And another person knows about this giant stone he’s been carrying around inside of his chest for months? A love this big is terrifying, too terrifying to spread for now.

What is Ransom supposed to say? He does find truth in his answer when he tells Nursey, “You can’t turn feelings on and off for people.” 

People for years had been teasing Holster and Ransom that they’d end up together, that they’d fall for each other. Only when Ransom came to the conclusion himself did it really mean anything. If Ransom didn’t already have feelings for Holster, Nursey telling him all these great things about Holster wouldn’t just trigger something inside of him. That isn’t how it works.

Nursey blinks a few times before looking down at the table. “That’s true.” 

They settle into silence. “Holster’s my best friend, Nursey, it’s complicated.” 

“Yeah,” Nursey agrees, still looking down. “I know you care about him.” 

“I do,” Ransom says with a nod.

“Well I have some friends,” Nursey tries to offer, like he thinks it might be the right thing to do, but Ransom stops him with a practiced smile.

“I don’t have the time,” he says again.

They change the subject for the remainder of lunch but Nursey seems distant in a way that is starting to make Ransom nervous again. He beats himself up for not tossing the question back to Nursey now that the time passed. _What about you? Are you dating?_ Holster isn’t mentioned another time but Ransom can almost feel him there, loud and large and taking up space.

“I have to run,” Nursey eventually tells him, and Ransom shoos him for class like the responsible captain that he is. 

The second he’s gone Ransom exhales and drops his head into his hands. 

The waitress swings by to collect their plates and asks, “You okay, baby?” Ransom sighs again but looks up, finding a smile for the woman. “You should get more sleep,” she offers, not unkindly. 

“I’ll try,” he promises. She leaves him sitting by himself, the table still sticky from their food. 

Ransom doesn't have a very good feeling about any of this. 

* * *

After lunch, Nursey has class. It’s one he and Chowder signed up for together so he knows if he skips it he’ll be able to get notes, but he also doesn’t want to alert his friend that anything’s wrong. 

Not that anything’s wrong.

“Was starting to think you weren’t gonna show,” Chowder says as Nursey settles into the seat beside him. It’s easy for Nursey to reach inside himself and find an answering smile for Chowder. “How’s your day been?” 

Nursey shrugs before digging into his bag for his stuff. “Fine, you?”

“Cait’s mad at me,” Chowder answers at once, shaking his head. “And she totally should be, so I feel like shit.”

Nursey frowns. “What happened?”

Chowder tells Nursey about this project that Farmer had been working on and Chowder not realizing how important it was and being a distracting asshole instead of helping. Nursey nods along at all the right moments and offers advice when Chowder asks for it and then thank God, class has started before Nursey has to talk about himself. 

Nursey can’t concentrate. 

He hasn’t been able to concentrate in days, actually. 

 _You can’t turn feelings on and off for people_.

Sometimes he’s thinking about Dex and the blowup from last week that blew over so quickly and other times he’s thinking about Holster and the feel of his hands on Nursey’s thighs and now he’s thinking about Ransom and wondering if love is even real.

Does Ransom seriously not feel anything for Holster?

His answer at lunch felt like a no. The more Nursey thinks about it the more that Ransom’s words sound like a _no_. 

But then he thinks of the two of them together and doesn’t understand. Actions aren’t lining up with words here.

And how can Ransom not have feelings for Holster when it’s so _easy_? 

No, no no no. _Stop that_. 

But if he doesn’t then what’s stopping Nursey from-- _no! Fucking knock it off!_  

Chowder elbows Nursey and with a start Nursey realizes that class is over. He scrambles to shut and put away his laptop that was used to take absolutely no notes for the entire 50 minute period and now Chowder’s looking at him the way he was looking at Dex a few days ago, like he’s worried about something they haven’t yet spoken about. 

After this class they normally head to the Haus together and nag Bitty for sweets but Nursey’s still feeling out of sorts. 

“Are you okay?” Chowder asks once they’re en route. Nursey shrugs, not wanting to lie but not ready to talk about it. “Any planets in retrograde, maybe?”

Nursey laughs, feeling just a breath better. “I’ll have to check. Fucking probably.”

A few more steps of silence. “Have you been to the counseling center recently?” Chowder asks softly. 

Nursey shrugs again before admitting, “No.” It’s always easier to talk about these things with Chowder. Mental health and anxiety and the like. But even this feels like it’s too much. Interwoven with all of their friends, confusing for even Nursey, he can’t imagine dragging Chowder into all of it. “But I should.” 

“Tarot?” Not since Dex, actually. Nursey shrugs again. “We can read together,” Chowder offers. “I’ve got an old deck somewhere. Might take me awhile to find it, but--”

“It’s okay,” he stops him quietly, wishing he could accurately convey how much he just _loves_ Chowder. “You’re the best, but it’s okay.” Chowder smiles, knocking elbows with him. “Sometimes I just get overwhelmed,” Nursey tells him. “It feels like everything I do or say is going to disrupt the entire path of the universe.”

Chowder laughs little, knocking his elbow again. “It won’t,” he promises. 

“Yeah, but that’s how it feels.” 

Chowder’s smile slips a little. “Is this about Dex?” he asks. Nursey doesn’t mean to react so apparently. He stops walking in the middle of the sidewalk. Chowder doesn’t expect it at all and is a full three feet in front of him before he turns back around to look at Nursey, eyebrows furrowed worse than before. “Derek?” Chowder calls.

There aren’t a lot of people nearby. Nursey should tell him.

“Chris,” Nursey starts.

Chowder returns to Nursey easily, voice softer as he says, “Hey, what is it?” 

Nursey squeezes his eyes shut but it doesn’t do anything to push out the panic that’s building inside of him. “I don’t know,” he rasps out. “I think I should go to my room. I’m just…” Chowder’s hand on his shoulder is steadying but not what he needs. “I need to nap, I think,” he whispers. 

To nap _and_ think. To be away from everyone who knows him and is involved in this. To smoke something or drink something that will stop all of the different thoughts that keep leading him down these different confusing paths. 

Is this about Dex? What the fuck does Chowder know?

“Okay,” Chowder says slowly. “You can nap in my bed, you know.”

“No, I know.” But he wants to be in his own space, and Chowder can see that. He drops his hand from Nursey’s shoulder and nods his head and another flash of guilt rockets through Nursey because Chowder doesn’t deserve any part of this. And he isn’t even involved. “I’ll text you,” Nursey promises. 

He doesn’t sprint back to his room once Chowder actually lets him go but it’s pretty damn close.

Why is this so confusing? When did this get so confusing! This shouldn’t be the only thing that Nursey’s capable of thinking about. Dex and Holster and Holster and Ransom and _fucking feelings!_  

He throws open the door to his room ready to rifle through the closet for his weed stash and nearly jumps out of skin.

His roommate’s home. “Ty,” Nursey rasps.

“Jesus, Derek,” Ty greets with a frown. “You okay?” 

“Not in the fucking slightest.”

* * *

Holster’s three pages into an eight page paper when Lardo finds him in the library. 

He should’ve left a while ago, honestly, because whoever’s studying next to him is sick with _something_ and if it’s contagious it’s totally going to suck to come down with. They keep sneezing and then wincing and their eyes are bloodshot and Holster almost considers asking them if they’ve gone to the doctor yet. 

He’s just found a cough drop in the depths of his backpack and finished sliding it over to the stranger when he spots her, weaving her way through the aisles like she knows just where to find him.

“Hey!” Holster greets, louder than he means to. He gets a whole bunch of glares from other library-goers, as well as a few shushes. He should learn to just not speak in libraries. “What’re you doing here?” he whispers, but again, still louder than others probably prefer.

“Looking for you,” Lardo answers, actually in a whisper. “I’ve only got a little bit before studio. Can I talk to you about a thing?” she asks. 

“What kind of thing?” Holster returns. There’s nothing on her face that is giving away what this could be about but her voice had an edge in it. This is something serious. “Now?” She nods so Holster tugs out his other earphone and gestures to the open spot at the table beside him. “What’s up?” 

She shakes her head. “Not here.”

Oh, so this is that kind of serious. Holster looks back to his work and tips his head to the side, considering it, before shutting his laptop. It’s not often that Lardo appears out of nowhere to chat about things and even though he’s kind of in a groove the paper isn’t due for a bit.

“Is everything okay?” Holster asks as he cleans up. 

Lardo nods, face still neutral, but Holster isn’t sure he believes her. “Am I interrupting?”

“Nah, it’s due next week.” 

“What’s it on?” she asks. 

Holster gives her a thrilling rundown on his business paper as they make their way out of the library. The sick human offers Holster a kind smile on the way out but it doesn’t do anything to settle him. He doesn’t know what Lardo’s deal is so he lets her lead the way, which has him talking about business all the way until they’re at the goddamn _lake,_ which is way more cause for concern than Lardo just dropping by the library to chat.

“Okay,” Holster says as they settle into a patch of shade in a secluded area. “So what the actual fuck is going on, Lards?” 

She doesn’t hesitate when she asks, “Are you and Nursey sleeping together?” 

Holster is so fucking thrown by the question that he doesn’t know how to react. First is stunned silence, then a rush of adrenaline that always kicks in when he’s under pressure. But normally he’s on the ice when he’s forced to deal with unknowns, he can react better, he can think ten steps ahead, not respond, “How the fuck did you--?” 

Lardo does her best at not reacting but she startles in small ways that Holster catches. Her hands clasping together, tight. The small knit of her eyebrows. 

“How did it happen?” she asks. 

Holster doesn’t know how to answer. He doesn’t know what to say at all. Part of him feels defensive but there’s nothing about her posture that scares him. Still his heart races and his chest clenches tight and he looks out over the lake, speechless. 

“How did you know?” 

“Does it matter?” she pushes back. He looks back to her with a glare and she holds up her hands in surrender. “I had a feeling something was going on with you,” she answers easily. “And as team manager I hear a lot of shit.” 

Holster doesn’t even know what that means. 

Lardo lets them sit in silence for a little bit and if he wasn’t so anxious about what it was he would end up saying he’d be a little unnerved by it. 

But eventually she asks, “Can I ask about it?” Holster sighs in response and nods just a little, knowing he can’t keep this hidden any longer. Lardo already fucking knows, he has to be honest with her no matter how weird this is going to be and there’s a whole slew of feelings Holster doesn’t want to start unraveling deep in his chest. “How long’s it been going on?” 

He thinks about it. “Couple of months,” he answers. 

Lardo looks a little impressed. “Damn, Holtz. And I thought you were shit at keeping secrets.” That doesn’t make him feel any better. Clearly he’s still shit at keeping secrets. “Is it serious?”

“No,” Holster answers at once.

And then something happens.

In a flash he sees Nursey stretched out in bed beside him, hears the rumble of Nursey’s laughter late in the night when they shouldn’t be laughing. Holster’s whole chest burns with heat and he isn’t sure if it’s guilt or shame or sorrow but it’s _something._  He worries when Nursey worries. He fears when Nursey fears. He confides in Nursey, _trusts_ Nursey, loves to make Nursey smile.

They’re broken but they’re doing it together.

But are they broken? 

“Maybe,” Holster says before he can think about it. Then, again, “No.” 

“No or maybe?” Lardo asks. 

Why did Holster go to Nursey’s the other day if he was thinking about Ransom? Why has this secret that used to be so light and breezy suddenly become so much more to carry? Why did running out of Nursey’s last time he had to flee leave him with such an ache--because he was hiding it from Ransom or is there more to it?

“I don’t know,” Holster says. Nursey’s eyes and Nursey’s hands and Nursey listening to him pine over someone else. “No.” Nursey has Dex. “I don’t know, Lards, I’m confused,” he rushes. “It’s not--no. It’s not serious,” he settles with. “But it’s confusing,” he decides, unsure what the fuck is going on and why he can’t just say _no_. “It’s--complicated.”

“Why? How’d it happen?” Then a little more pointed, “And why are you hiding it?” 

“Because it’s complicated,” Holster says.

“Why’s it complicated, Adam.”

“Don’t speak to me in that tone, Larissa,” he says back, panic definitely not creeping into his voice. 

She reaches out and catches his hand and Holster feels something inside of him snap. This thing they’ve been doing has been getting more confusing by the day but this is something new entirely. Holster is suddenly very, completely afraid. 

“Talk to me,” Lardo soothes. “It’s _me_ , Holtz. I’m not gonna say anything.”

He knows she won’t. 

Holster takes a deep breath and looks out at the lake again, then back to their clasped hands. “It’s not supposed to be serious,” he says. “It’s just supposed to be sex.” He can’t look at her as he tells the story of that party when he felt lonely and Nursey had offered, about how it turned into something casual and that’s it, that’s all it’s been, but…

“But…” Lardo prompts. 

“But you asked me if it was serious and now I don’t know.” Holster thinks of Ransom and feels whatever’s tightened in his chest loosen in a moment, but it’s not enough to make it easier to breathe. 

Because it’s just _different_. 

With Ransom everything feels like a spark that’s about to catch flame. When they’re together Holster feels like the sound of the water rushing over Niagara Falls makes him feel. Holster has never trusted another person like he trusts Ransom, has never _loved_ another person the way he loves Ransom.

With Nursey there’s an understanding that it isn’t going to be perfect. But something about that makes it feel like it _could_ be perfect. When they’re together it’s easy and comfortable in a way that’s objectively _good_.

Fuck fuck fuck.

“And it’s a secret because…”

“Because I’m his captain,” Holster says, finding his first easy lie. He can’t tell Lardo about Ransom. Not now. Would she even understand? 

“Right.” Holster finally tugs his hand out of hers and drags it through his hair before running it over his face. “Does anyone know?” she asks.

_Does Ransom know?_

“Not unless they put it together like you did,” he answers.

Lardo finally shakes her head, the first flash of disapproval on her face. “Not even Justin?” she whispers.

Holster can’t do this anymore. “Look, I didn’t ask for you to come and give me advice about my shitty life decisions today,” he says. Anger crawls into his voice and he doesn’t even care. “I already told you that it was complicated, can’t you just fucking leave it at that?” 

He goes to stand and she kicks out her leg, popping his ankle out and dropping him back down to the ground beside her with a grunt.

“Don’t yell at me for caring about you, dude. It’s not cute.” Holster frowns but Lardo holds her ground. He knew she would and he hates it. “You need to tell him,” she says. 

Holster feels something in his chest crack. “I can’t,” he nearly shouts.

“Why not?” When Holster doesn’t answer, Lardo sighs. “Don’t you want him to hear it from you?”

“No,” he rasps. He doesn’t want Ransom to know _at all_ , because he’ll want to know _why_ and he can’t _tell_ Ransom why and now it’s worse because he’s thinking about _Nursey_ and, “It’s not like--” Holster coughs to clear his throat. “It’s not like it means anything,” he tries to reason again. 

It’s not like it means anything. It’s just sex. Nursey has feelings for Dex and Holster has feelings for Ransom and it’s not like Holster is hiding anything at all. 

“Okay.”

“Lardo,” he says firmly, turning to his friend. “I need you to not say anything.” She holds his even gaze. “Please?”

“I said I wouldn’t. But I still think you should.” Holster nods but she can’t possibly know. “I didn’t mean to ambush you,” she says after a minute.

“C minus for effort,” Holster mutters. He digs into his backpack for his phone and sees a whole bunch of messages that he’s missed, browsing them quickly.

 **Bitty** **  
** Please stop adding mustard to the shopping list Holtzy I know we’re not out!! This is the third week in a row!

And another.

 **Shitty** **  
** HAHAHAH LOOK AT THIS FUCkiNG MEME DUDE  
IT’S LIKE THAT NIGHT WE AND JACK WENT TO THE MOVIES LMAO

And some more.

 **Ransom** **  
** god holtzy i am deadass going to fall asleep in this class  
why did i wait until senior year to take some of these electives  
i’ve started planning our grad trip instead  
where are you what are you doing  
we’re going to rome is that okay  
or italy????  
bro where do you wanna go let’s see the world  
not niagara though i mean obviously we’re going to niagara at some point  
but i mean somewhere new you’ve never been  
me neither let’s go somewhere new together

Holster taps out a quick response to the only one who matters. 

 **Holster** **  
** You know i’ll go anywhere you wanna go dude.

What the fuck is he supposed to do?

* * *

Nursey’s very high. 

Whenever Ty disappears off the face of the planet (to his girlfriend’s apartment who lives off campus) he always returns with a gift (weed) for Nursey to make up for his absence (even though Nursey doesn’t mind it). The timing is fucking incredible. 

“Okay, so,” the room is hazy and Nursey is _very_ high and Ty has been very patiently listening to Nursey explain this whole thing. “What I’m hearing is that first you need to talk to the guy you’re fucking and tell him what you’re thinking about.”

Ty’s a psychology major. His advice is almost always to communicate. 

“We made it very clear at the beginning what this was,” Nursey responds.

“So it changed for you. That’s why you have to talk about it.” Ty takes a massive rip from the bong before adding, “He sounds like a good dude, D. He’ll understand even if he doesn’t feel the same.” 

“Literally _why_ did I think I could fuck my attractive friend who is also genuinely caring and _not_ catch feelings for him?” Nursey whines. 

“And you’re still thinking about the other guy, too?” Of course he is. Ty laughs a little and shakes his head. “Classic D. You love too much.” 

Nursey reaches for the bong. “I know.” 

Ty waits until Nursey’s exhaled his hit before saying, “You should tell your friend.”

Nursey frowns. “Which one?”

“The one you had class with today. Chowder?”

“Yeah,” Nursey exhales. He should. 

“He knows these people way better than I do. He might have better advice.”

“He might be mad at me,” Nursey reasons.

Ty scoffs. “Why would he be mad at you? He’s not harboring secret feelings for one of the people involved in this as well, is he? Because then I mean--”

“No, God fuck no,” Nursey says with a laugh, finally, and Ty smiles again too. 

“So he won’t be mad, he’ll want to help. SMH are like, weirdly supportive of each other dude. That’s your rep.” Nursey supposes that’s true. And it’s Chowder. He’ll understand that it isn’t that Nursey didn’t trust him, just that Nursey didn’t know _how_ to go about all of this. “Have you thought about poly?” 

Nursey has to admit that he has. “I’ve been reading Twitter threads,” he murmurs. “As much as that works for other people I just--I don’t know, Ty I don’t think that’s what I want to do.” 

“So. Okay.” He holds up his hands like there’s a movie screen. “Ideal ending, then. Go.”

“I end up with Dex and he ends up with Ransom,” Nursey says. Dex is who he _wants_ to be with. “And I know that they’re going to end up together,” Nursey pushes, trying to get Ty to understand this. Lunch today or not, Holster and Ransom fucking love each other. They’ll find their way together, he can feel it. “Eventually. But for now, I mean--I don’t know.” 

Ty looks at him for a long time without saying anything.

“What?” Nursey finally asks. Ty shakes his head and Nursey frowns. “Psychoanalyze me, dude, that’s why I chose you as my roommate.” 

“You’re just afraid,” Ty says.

“No fuck.”

“To some degree you wanna be with both of these men, yeah? And one of them is straight, or maybe straight, but either way you’re convinced he’ll never want to be with you. And the other isn’t straight, but is seriously in love with someone else, but what you have is still good. And you’re convinced that even if he knows that he’ll never want to stay with you. And then you’ll have lost both of them.” 

Nursey swallows, throat tight. “And I’ll be alone,” he whispers.

Always fucking alone. 

“Yeah,” Ty says again. “But you won’t be.” Nursey takes another hit from the bong instead of responding. “Talk to the guy you’re fucking first. And be honest with him. Or talk to the guy you wanna be with, you know? And say, look, I’m feeling a lot of things, and--”

“No _way_ ,” Nursey interrupts him with a laugh that becomes a groan. “Fucking A, this is so _annoying_! Why can’t I just be two years into a committed relationship with a human who wants to be with me, huh?”

Ty laughs another time and reaches for the bong. “You’ll get there, dude. Maybe with one of these guys, maybe not, but I know that it’ll happen.” 

Nursey’s phone buzzes as he thinks on this. “Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Nursey exhales as he checks the message, finding it from Holster. “Like!” He passes his phone over to Ty, who reads it with a smile that is anything but innocent. “Don’t make that face.”

“He wants to seeee youuuu,” Ty sings, reading the message before passing the phone back.

“He wants to have his dick sucked.”

“Why did he not then say _I want to have my dick sucked_ and instead wrote _I want to see you_?” 

“I don’t know! It’s just words.” He looks up at Ty before tapping out a response, but who is he kidding? He wants to see Holster. “When are you leaving?” 

* * *

After the lake, Holster returns to the library to get more work done. The only open seat is next to the sick stranger but they welcome him back with a smile that looks like it might hurt to make. 

He doesn’t exactly get any work done but he feels like he has to try. 

So maybe he likes being around Nursey enough that his whole body feels warm if he thinks about it for too long, so what? He’s not blushing, he’s sometimes just this pink when he thinks about his friends. 

When his phone starts ringing and it’s Ransom he nearly flies out of his seat. He gestures vaguely to his stuff and Sick Person nods to say they’ll watch it and Holster rushes outside to answer the phone so his loud voice doesn’t distract anyone a second time.

“Hi,” Holster eventually greets.

“Why are you breathless?” Ransom asks on the other end, and Holster can hear that he’s smiling. “Are you sprinting?”

“I was in the library,” Holster explains, finding a smile of his own. 

“Aw, Holtzy. You ran out of the library for me?”

“Bro I’d run anywhere for you,” Holster answers at once. “What’s up? We still getting dinner?” 

“That’s why I’m calling,” Ransom says, and he does it in his voice that says _I’m cancelling but you’re my favorite please don’t be mad_. “I totally forgot about my study group tonight.”

“Is that for Genetics and--”

“--and Molecular Biology, yeah,” Ransom mutters. “I probably won’t be back until late.”

“You free now?” Holster asks. He wants to see Ransom. He knows if he sees Ransom then he’ll be able to exhale whatever’s slowly expanding inside of him. Or--maybe he won’t be able to, but it’s his only thought right now. “We could grab something real quick before you have to go.”

“If I wasn’t catching a ride with this guy in my class I’d say yes but we’re legitimately about to leave.”

These past couple of days have kind of felt like Ransom’s been avoiding him. But Holster won’t say anything. Especially not now. 

“How late, you think?” Holster asks. He knows they share a room and literally shared a _bunk_ a few nights ago but he misses him. And more urgently, he needs to see him. Maybe being in the same space as Ransom will help Holster make sense of whatever’s in his head. “I could wait up. We could watch something.” 

“Past midnight, at least. I’ll be study-wiped for sure.”

“Coffee in the morning, then? Before practice?”

“Chyeah, Holtzy,” Ransom finally agrees. "Don't miss me too much."

"How can I not?" Holster responds.

He hangs up and heads back inside and knows that he shouldn't text Nursey that Ransom being busy is not an _excuse_ to see Nursey but he still wants to talk to Nursey and can't stop thinking about Nursey and even though this is confusing he wants to talk about it with _Nursey_ and--

 **Holster** **  
** are you free tonight?  
i wanna see u

Even sending that text makes his heart jump. Is it too obvious? No, right? Just fucking words, like all their other texts. He's not being weird. They text like this. 

 **Nursey** **  
** hi  
i miss you  
yes  
come over  
wait not righ tnow  
ty's here

 **Holster** **  
** Lol  
can't stay the night  
when you want me?

 **Nursey** **  
** booo you never do  
but i want you now  
but tyyyyyyyy

 **Holster** **  
** so when's ty leaving and i'll be there  
actually mine's free if you want to come over

 **Nursey** **  
** half an hour?  
i'm a lil high

 **Holster** **  
** then i'm coming to you ain't no thang  
save me any?

 **Nursey** **  
** if you want babe

 **Holster** **  
** see you soon

* * *

Nursey isn't nervous.

He and Holster have hooked up enough times now that Nursey's starting to lose count and this isn't going to be any different. If Holster gets here and Nursey thinks he seems like he might be in a good place to talk about _feelings_ then maybe they'll talk about feelings.

Ty wants Nursey to talk about feelings. 

Nursey also wants Nursey to talk about feelings. 

But he's still afraid, and fuck it because he still wants to see Holster tonight anyway. So just. No plan. Winging it. It'll be fine. 

"You're lucky I have class," Ty teases as he heads out, but Nursey doesn't know if he's lucky.

(He feels lucky. He gets to see Holster.) (Ugh!)

He isn't nervous, but he _is_ pacing. Just a little bit. He considers calling home just to pass the time or opening a book but Holtz said he was close and-- 

The knock on the door definitely doesn't make Nursey jump he isn't _jumpy_ he's _chill_ the weed has helped to render him chill and he has some to share still and it's going to be good. He opens the door and on the other side is Holster, big and beautiful as ever, almost shockingly so, and Nursey steps back so he can let him in.

He's smiling. "Hi," Holster greets.

"I really am," Nursey rushes. "Please disregard all the stupid shit that’ll come out of my mouth."

Holster laughs a little and steps inside, kicking off his shoes by the door like he always does, because he's considerate enough to do so. "What kind of stupid shit are you planning on saying?" Holster teases.

With every word the butterfly bounding around Nursey's chest finds peace, settling down into something almost calm. "You'd love to find out."

"I would," Holtz pushes, still teasing a little. "No class tonight?"

"Nah. You?" 

"Nope." 

He crosses the room slowly to Nursey and again his nerves spike, his heart pounding faster in his chest and his hands starting to sweat. This is ridiculous. This is just Holster! But for fuck's sake does he have to be so good looking and look at Nursey like he's looking at him now with his eyes wide and--

“Should we smoke?” Nursey asks. 

Holster isn’t looking at him any differently. Nursey is crazy. End of conversation. 

Holster glances over his shoulder to where the bong is sitting, waiting on Ty’s desk, and nods. “Sure.” He lowers himself to the edge of Nursey’s bed while Nursey grabs the piece. _Breathe. It’s just Holtz_. 

“Catch,” Nursey says, tossing him the lighter. He doesn’t try and toss the bong, but instead walks it over to him slowly. “Ty brought it,” he tells Holster.

“I’ve never actually met that guy,” Holster responds.

“He’s cool. MIA a lot.” Nursey passes him the bong. “I can just shotgun,” Nursey offers. Holster arches an eyebrow but Nursey shrugs, trying to maintain his chill. “I smoked a lot with Ty I don’t wanna underperform.” Holster laughs so loudly that Nursey’s sure it rattles his ribcage.  “How’s your day been?” Nursey asks as Holster takes his first hit. 

When Holster exhales he forgets to blow it to Nursey. “Oh--fuck.”

“It’s fine,” Nursey laughs. “Seriously.”

“My day’s been okay,” Holster tells him as the smoke fills the room. “I mean--I don’t know.”

Nursey arches an eyebrow. “You don’t know?” 

He shrugs and goes back to watching the smoke. “I don’t know,” he says again. Nursey nods slowly. “What about you?”

“Oh, life is a mess,” Nursey answers easily, which only serves to make Holster laugh again. He makes a face like he agrees. “But at least you’re here, so.”

Holster looks up at him again, eyes still warm, and it’s _no different than before_. Seriously. It isn’t. But then Holster says, “I talked about you today.” 

The first thought Nursey has is, _With who?_ The second, _Why?_

Instead he says, “I talked about you today, too.” A lot. He's like, the only thing Nursey's been talking about. 

Holster holds Nursey’s gaze briefly before lighting the bong for another hit. After he exhales that one, mostly just blowing smoke in Nursey’s direction instead of really shotgunning, he asks, “Good things?”

“Always good things, Holtzy.”

“Hmm.” Holster smiles in this private kind of way that Nursey isn’t used to seeing. Nursey grabs the bong, empties the ash from the bowl, and repacks it in silence. When he finally passes it back neither of them have spoken yet. “Game this weekend,” Holster eventually says. 

Hockey is safe territory. “Mm-hm.” But Nursey can’t help himself. “Did you say good things about me?” 

When Holster pulls off the bong, leaning closer to Nursey for a real shotgun this time, Nursey’s ready. He breathes in the smoke that Holster blows out, eyes locked, no words traded until Nursey exhales himself. 

“Come closer next time,” Holster murmurs. His voice is low in a way that holds its warmth and it sends a shiver down Nursey’s spine. “It was less about you and more about…” _Ransom_ , Nursey thinks. “I just wanted to see you,” Holster settles with.

It’s vague but in the romantic kind of way that gets Nursey dreamy again. “So no,” Nursey settles with. He’s smiling as he says it almost innocently so Holster knows he’s teasing, too. 

“Come closer,” Holster says again, and Nursey doesn’t hesitate. 

The next time Holster blows smoke into Nursey’s mouth he catches Nursey’s cheek, keeping him so close that Nursey knows what’s going to happen next. 

It’s only a surprise when Holster finally _actually_ kisses him because _he and Holster don't kiss_. Not other than that first night, really, when they were drunk and making out. But this is almost tender, like Holster's putting thought into it, and they don't ever put _thought_ into this, do they?

No, Nursey's reading into this because he wants to make out with Holster with it meaning nothing and everything all at once. But they're doing it anyway so fuck it, Nursey's gonna keep kissing him.

After they set aside the bong Nursey tugs Holster back to him with both his hands. He slides his tongue against Holster's lips until Holster groans, opening his mouth for him and Nursey's smiling, thinking about Holster's big teeth, and--

Holster fumbles with the button on Nursey’s jeans and Nursey hurries to get them off. At the same time Holster slides off his sweats and then he’s over him, pressing Nursey down into his bed, and Holster chuckles, warm and slow and it washes over Nursey like fresh syrup over a stack of pancakes for breakfast on a cozy Saturday in. Nursey pushes against Holster's shirt until he gets the hint, pulling it up and over his head himself. In the same motion they set aside his glasses, Holster’s blue eyes feeling brighter out from under them. 

Nursey’s hands don’t want to settle. They drag down Holster’s sides slowly, almost greedily, and Holster wastes no time in closing the distance between them to kiss him again. It’s been so long since Nursey’s kissed someone that’s wanted to kiss him like _this_ , with fervor, like Nursey’s answering a question Holster hasn’t asked yet.

“Derek,” Holster rasps, _his name_ , and Nursey drops his head back into his pillows while Holster settles back. He’s straddling Nursey’s hips now and they’re both hard and Nursey’s head is swimming. His hands settle on Holster’s thighs and Nursey’s looking up at the ceiling because God only knows what Holster looks like right now but no matter what it’s going to be a lot and Nursey isn’t sure if he can take it. “Your shirt’s still on,” Holster points out eventually, his breathing rough. 

“That’s so you can take it off,” Nursey answers, still looking at the ceiling. He feels Holster’s hands against his sides and his eyes dart down to watch Holtz lean down. 

Holster looks toward Nursey’s boxers but then pushes his shirt up slowly, pressing a hot kiss to the stretch of Nursey’s skin that’s revealed, and then another higher up as he keeps pushing his shirt, and another. Nursey leans up so he can slide it off the rest of the way before tugging Holster toward him again. Holtz’s hips hitch and Nursey moans into his mouth, almost thinking he might come before they even get their boxers off, when Holster pulls back.

He shakes his head a little, lips swollen, and says, “This isn’t why I wanted to see you.” 

Nursey’s entire chest somersaults. “This is always why you want to see me,” he answers.

Holster shakes his head a little firmer. “That’s not true.” Nursey still can’t look at him. “Hey,” Holster urges. Nursey _has_ to look at him. “That isn’t true,” he says again. 

Their eyes meet and Holster’s are clear and warm and Nursey asks, “Then why?” Nursey sees it then, a flicker of something he’d thought was impossible in the lines of worry on Holster’s face. “Adam,” he exhales. His hands hold firm on Holster’s hips to keep him from pulling away. “Why?” he asks again, hope bleeding into his voice. 

“Because I have strings,” Holster says slowly. _We said no strings_. “At least a few.” _Fuck strings_. 

He doesn't even think about it. “I have so many,” Nursey rasps. 

Holster’s eyes widen in question and Nursey nods finally knowing what he’s asking and Holster kisses him again, he’s kissing him _again_ and for a moment, everything’s going to turn out just fine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're having a thought i'd love to hear it. just trust me!! enjoy the ride

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me on twitter and tumblr @jennybeantime. thanks for all the love!


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